How to explain friends and bullies to aspergers child

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My son is 9 yrs old and diagnosed with aspergers among other things. It is hard for him to make friends because he is shy and has trouble knowing how to play back and forth. There are kids in the neighborhood that he insists on playing with but everyday he has to beg them let him play, then they don't really play with him for example they will tell him he can play basketball with them but never pass him the ball. They will tell him they are playing hide and seek but never allow him to hide or they just ditch him while he isn't looking. He gets upset, goes into a full meltdown and they laugh at him but everyday he throws a fit to play with them again because he is convinced they are his friends and he wants so badly to play with other kids. How do I help him understand this is not how friends treat each other? It breaks my heart to see him go through this but everything I have tried does not work.

How conversational is he? Can you lead him from point A to point B in what is going on by using logic and asking leading questions? Basically, you want the conclusion to be his. The end point should be, well was this experience fun for you? Do you think you would benefit from repeating it? (I am sure you can word it better--but I am just giving the general approach) I would do this when he is in a calm state and not right before he would be attempting to join into their play.

The other thing is that I would provide alternative special interest things to do, that hopefully he would prefer to playing with people who do not want to play with him.

My son used to try to ram himself into other people's play, too and while it would be kind of them to include your son, it is important to understand when one is not wanted as well, no matter how sad it makes a person. Understanding and respecting boundaries is important for our kids, too, and not that it is fun to look at it that way, but it is a necessary learning experience. In addition, if he can't read these signals, often times this kind of behavior is followed up with escalating levels of bullying that can be even worse than being shunned.

This isn't necessarily related to the exact content of your post, but I share it in case it is helpful. When my son was that age he had a hard time "playing" with most boys. Boys can be rough and some of their play can look like bullying when it isn't, and for a kid who can't understand social interactions, it can be very difficult. The situation I observed that helped me understand what was going on was this:

My son had been complaining that kids were "bullying" him at summer camp. His descriptions of what was happening were vague. I happened to go early one day before pick up to watch and I saw an example of exactly what was going on. Two of the boys were running around with their beach towels, weaving in and out of the kids and snapping each other with their towels. Sometimes they would snap other boys, who weren't playing with them, then they would join in. They were all having fun. Until one of them snapped my son, who promptly reported to the counselor that he was being bullied. The kids were then told to stop playing. They were mad at my son, and my son was mad at them.

All because he did not understand how some boys play. From my son's perspective, he was hit by another boy. Therefore, he was bullied.

It was then that I had a better understanding of what was going on. He wasn't being bullied, but he didn't understand rough-housing. The kids tried to include him, but he responded by reporting them to the counselors. That explained why he usually wasn't included.

So, we discussed options like standing to the edge of the playground by the fence if he didn't want to join in (there was more snapping going on where the boys could run), or joining in. I had to logically review with him that although getting snapped by a towel was momentarily painful, their intent was not to hurt him. It was more like a rougher game of tag where everyone was "it." Once he understood that some boys play rough, even though that was not how he preferred to play, he stopped tattling and either took himself out of the fray or tried to join in. I explained to him that a good rule of thumb is if everyone is doing it to everyone else, it is not bullying. It is rough-housing. f everyone is doing it to one kid, who does not like it, then it is bullying, not rough housing.

Another rule of thumb we worked out: if a kid was doing something to him and he wasn't sure if it was bullying or not, he had to observe. If kids in the established friend group did it to one another, and everyone laughed, it was probably not bullying. But if kids in the established friend group only did it to people outside of the friend group, or if there were certain people in the friend group who never had it done to them and they were the "leaders," then it could potentially be bullying.

Is it possible to approach one of the moms from the neighborhood and suggest an activity for just your son and one boy? It is possible that outside of the already established group, they will be able to make a better connection and then maybe he can move his way into the group slowly. For my son at that age, the saving grace was that one of the "popular" boys in his class took a liking to him for some reason. Although that didn't always end up in him being included, it often prevented him from being targeted.

My daughter is 11 (ASD) and shy. She still often gets left out, even though most kids like her, and she does have established friends, who are good kids and who I know really like her. She just doesn't engage very well in large groups. When she goes on field trips or to class parties, she often ends up sitting on the sidelines, even though her friends are there. While I wish her friends would remember her and help her to engage, that is a lot to ask of an 11 year old on a regular basis and not really their responsibility. They want to have fun, not compensate for their friend's lack of social skills. I find it works better to invite 1-2 kids to the house. It is easier for her and everyone has fun.

I went through similar experiences.
It's best if you explain to him that there are good and bad people, and some fence sitters that will just support the majority (if they are good or bad)
Explain how people have secret motivations, that they hide their true personalities. And teach him how to read into questions that people ask him so that he may be able to assess the true reason they are asking.
I'm not saying to teach him to read into everything (though some regular people certainly do that).
It will be difficult for you, but if you teach him the truth and never shy away from doing so, you'll be his greatest friend and he'll be loyal to you forever. He will also share more with you, ask you about other things, and you'll have more insight into problems he may be facing but is unaware of.