how do I tell him?

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My 10 yr old son was diagnosed with HFA in March this year. We have informed his school and they are doing everything they can for him which is great, but I haven't actually told him about his condition yet. I just don't know how to put it to him in a way that he can understand without feeling "labelled".

Any suggestions?

Oz

Well you can remind him that its not a label, it just is what makes him unique, and not in a bad way. I also have HFA, which doctors now confirmed, and once I was dx I never looked at it as a label, just as another way of saying well this explains why I do this and most people around me don't, and why I feel like this or act like this, It helped me alot knowing my dx. Thats just my opinion and thoughts.

The following is largely based on guess work, so you will have to be careful to make up your own mind whether there is anything useful in it.

Your son probably knows that he is different. You could make it part of your explanation of what the diagnosis means that he is not alone, there are others like him. And like him, they find some things more difficult than other people, other things come more easily. You could show him a short interview with Vernon Smith on youtube, as an example of someone quite successful (unless you think that would put your son under pressure to win a Nobel prize, too): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6laOv94VUU

The lead in to the interview mentions Asperger's syndrome. I think for your purposes it's fair if you tell your son it's pretty much the same thing. The drawback is that he might want to know exactly what the difference is, but if you say Asperger's and HFA are two different names for the same thing, someone else might tell him otherwise. I don't know how to handle that.

An idea you could use either as an alternative or in addition is to say that it is in some ways like being left handed, which makes many things more difficult simply because the world is arranged for the right handed majority, but that being left handed can have advantages, for example in tennis or martial arts. His HFA is about how he uses his mind rather than his hands.

I expect that sooner or later others beyond the teachers at his school will know about the diagnosis, and eventually the news will spread to other kids. It is likely that among them will be at least one idiot who will equate autism with retardation and say so. At that point, it should help if your son has experience with people who see autism more as a difference than as a disability or a stigma.

Gromit

Gromit,

What a gentle and well-reasoned approach that is.

We told our 7 year old about his Asperger's using the method suggested by his pscyhologist.

We had a discussion that everybody has different things they are good at, and not so good at.

We then went through everybody in the family - what they're good at , and what they're not so good at.

We went through our son's list last. We made sure the list of what he's good at was very long. The list of what he's not so good at included reading facial expressions, untidy handwriting and knowing what to say when meeting new people.

We then told him that there are other people that are good at what he's good at and have difficulties like he does, and this is called Asperger's Syndrome.

We bought him a book called 'My Book of Autism Heroes' which he loves.

The psychologist also spent a couple of sessions discussing with him what Asperger's is, and the similarities and differences between his brain and Mummy's brain.

The sooner you tell him the better. He will have figured something is going on after going to various appointments.

Our son is now very proud of his Asperger's.

I bought my 10 year old a couple books tailored for his age that talked about Asperger Syndrome and we read through them and discussed everything. I wasn't sure at first if he really "got" it but later as time went on he would make comments or say certain things that made me realize he had been listening and did understand. He'll bring things up now and again and ask questions or make comments but it is always in a positive light so I was happy that he seems to see it as something that isn't "bad".

I did not get a lot of "choice" with my son, the doctor at the end of our 1 1/2 hour long appointment told him "I think you have aspergers".

It was a bit of a bomb that went off, we spent weeks after trying to figure out exactly what that meant, and coming to terms with it afterwards.

I don't have any suggestions as to "how to tell him" but I do suggest knowing as much as you can about AS / HFA and telling your son at a time you feel emotionally prepared to field his questions. Focus on the positives, this does not "change" him, it does not change his life. What it does, is give him the right to services that will allow him to get through school, and better understand why he may be a little "different" from others. Make it clear though, that all people are "different" some have physical disabilities, others are sick or very ill. Some people are just plain nasty and mean! All people have things they are good at, and things they are not so good at. HFA or AS is no different, he is good at somethings, not so good at others, some of the things he is good at, may be because of his HFA so it is what makes him special and unique, not broken or bad.

It's not a disease; It's a wiring difference.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

Being diagnosed simply means that you can focus on the things that can be improved, instead of stumbling around in the dark, wondering which way to go.

My son is also 10 and AS - He was diagnosed at 9. There are tons of wonderful books for kids his age which explain it in a way he can understand. I've gotten several at the library, amazon and ebay. If you preface it with (and repeat this a lot) "there is NOTHING wrong with you- your brain just works a little differently " it should go OK.

It will depend a lot on what your son is like - my son was very relieved and almost happy to know about Aspergers - he said "oh that's why I do that...." It was a liberating thing for him. I'm a parent who believes in giving him as much information as he wants and can handle about AS.

I'm on the fence about this issue. I need convincing that I should tell my son his differences have a name. And which label should I use: asperger's, adhd, nvld, dyspraxia.... Why not just talk about strengths and weaknesses? You're the best reader in your class, but you have a hard time with math. Everybody's different.

I don't know, maybe my situation is unique. My son doesn't really fit any label perfectly and has always been in a learning support special ed class so he's always been with other kids who struggle. To him, that's normal.

I hope he doesn't hold it against me in the future.

wow Smelena, your son is proud of being an AS...that's good-I wasn't and still kinda aren't

but there's nothing wrong with it-it's just one more wall you gotta climb in life

I just posted in general discussion about this same issue!
Im so glad I found this here. My son was just diagnosed with aspergers... he is also 10 years old. He has always asked why he was so different from other people, and until now I didnt have an answer for this question.

Im now trying to find a way to tell him in a way that he doesnt feel it is a disadvantage (which actually shouldnt be a problem. My son is so "matter of fact" about everything, he will probably just shrug it off, and say ok then... now what)

He is such a smart boy, always has been. I just didnt know if i should tell him now or wait until he is older.

tell him now-or he'll be quite mad later that you kept it from him

oh and don't fill him with false hope and crap-I mean instead of actually trying to help him
my parents did and still do that it's not recomended

Thanks everybody, you've given me some great suggestions!

Oz

What does this mean? I am confused.

Oz, I know some parents hesitate to tell their children about a dx because they think it helps protect them. I, on the other hand, believe that honesty with your child is the best way to go. Z has always been kept posted about his ongoing dx and for our family it has worked. Right now he is being a pain in the ass and I am trying real hard to step back and let him work through whatever is bothering him. [sorry about the aside but I needed to write it to help myself focus a little] Anyway during his more tractible periods he has said he would rather know what makes him behave the way he does, because it helps him use his brain to do better.

How did we tell him? As others here have said we told him he acts differently than others, he already knew that [and told us], and the reason is because your brain functions on another level than the average person, not better or worse just differently. You have some abilities other kids don't have and you will learn how to use them to help yourself and others. We strive to help him see both his abilities and difficulties as gifts that can be used to help him reach goals he has. His abilities are strengths which enable him to understand and learn and his difficulties are obstacles that make him stronger as he learns to overcome them.

Z has calmed down and says I have said enough for now.

Basically tell your son and asure him that knowing is a better way to go than not knowing. It really is!