When A Parent Refuses to Acknowledge a Condition Exists

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I have a family member who has always been very different. Everyone in the family has realized he has some sort of PSD for a long time, but his parents and grandparents have refused to admit he is different at all and become hostile at any suggestion of it. He's a sweet kid, and we were amazed he graduated college, but he's now 25 years old and his unusual behavior is starting to cause problems for him. There is a difference between an unusual kid and an unusual adult, and his behavior is creepy or scary to those that don't know him. For instance, we've just come to learn that he relates to people through numbers such as their age, weight, height, weight of their pet, etc.; however, it is frightening to people when he remembers the license plate number of a complete stranger when he sees them get out of their car and uses that in conversation with someone he randomly approaches in public for whatever reason. One of his interests has long been photography, and his favorite topic is people, but he doesn't ask for permission before taking pictures and when confonted by strangers when he's taking pictures of someone's girlfriend or child he can't adequately explain the situation to them. Recently he was picked up for disturbing the peace because he was taking pictures of kids on the playground, and held at the police station. His mom recently read a publication for the first time on the symptoms of aspergers and actually recognized the symptoms in her son. However, his dad refuses to even consider it. None of us have understood his hostility towards getting his son help, but he is not well educated, and many of us have noticed him slowly beginning to use alcohol to cope with his feelings of his only son's peculiarness. Given his current legal problems and mother's epiphany into her son's condition, she is secrety from the father having him tested for a diagnosis this week. Are there any parents out there that could shed some light on their experience, either in their reluctance to accept their child's difference, or their spouse's, and suggest ways we can help them?

I know a lot of parents of "odd" children, who go into deep denial that something is "different" about their child. It is hard to come to terms with this. However, it is vital that you do, and I think a minor miracle that this boy sounds like he has arrived at 25 in what sounds like not a horrible place to be.

Hopefully if he is AS, and DX'ed as such, he can begin a social skills program that will enlighten him to how to get through the NT world.

I think with the father, it is really important to let him know that this does not mean that something is mentally wrong with his son, he is not of lower intellegence, nor is he mentally ill. This is about a difference in the way you think, not a "wrong" way of thinking, just different. At times, it is difficult to integrate the two systems. Kind of like trying to get a Beta tape to play in a VHS VCR! There was nothing wrong with Beta, just incompatable with VHS.

Fortunately for his son, there are ways of bridging his world and the NT world, and he can learn with help, how to avoid getting arrested or scaring people! Let him know too, that the As can be used to his sons advantage, the passion and dedication he will direct towards his interests can get him further in his chosen field then many people could ever dream of!

I guess it's a little more than your run of the mill "odd" that brings me to this site. Some of his AS symptoms include:
As a baby he didn't like to be touched on the head or face, and would bop his head repeatedly into the side of the crib for hours.
As a small child he was facinated by repetitive motions, and would open and close cabinet doors for hours if you'd let him. Garage doors were his favorite. He would also take a stick and beat a plant until it had no more leaves.
He's an amazing artist, but like a photocopier early on. If you put a picture in front of him he'd redraw it to scale (however large or small the original was, almost like he traced it). Maps are his favorite.
Until he was 9 or 10 he always referred to himself in the 3rd person like everyone else referred to him. The abilty to use first person just escaped him.
When my grandmother died he was in college, and I remember him asking his dad why my grandfather was crying at the funeral.
He can learn social rules, but they have to be explained to him first (like it's impolite to ask a woman's weight), but once it is explained he adheres to it like law from God Himself.
He is still extremely literal, and if he dad says something then he takes it as unquestionably true, though sometimes he misses the actual meaning.
He's very awkward in conversation generally, but especially when confronted. He doesn't get why people would be concerned or offended by his behavior, unless it is specifically explained to him what he did wrong, and why it's not acceptable.
And there are numerous other things. Did I mention trains?

my mother rejected and denied anything was wrong with me, though she kept me in a leather harness and leash until I busted the straps because I was 9 years old and just too big for the harness anymore. She would agressively (verbally) attack other mothers if their child was just a bit off mentally or physically asking them why they let them out in public were no (sic) Christian should see them.
We are talking complete denial, for there I was, in my harness and leash, , my hands and arms set like I was holding up a beautiful ball gown walking on the balls of my feet, my calves cramped in pain. my little cupids bow mouth in a grimace as I concentrated on getting my body to take the next step.
So, I can understand the man that can't accept his son's strangeness. Denial is really unbelievable, but I can top all of that.
I didn't even REALIZE something was different about me until I was 56, when I first heard about Asperger's Syndrome. I wondered why I never seemed to grow up, although I grew old but I never thought I was THAT odd.

My mother still denies it for the most part in me, but at least is taking it pretty seriously in regards to my son (better than nothing)

To her, I was always just lazy, had selective hearing, a failure, and didn't "apply" myself in school...

Both of my parents seem to be in denial. They think my troubles socially are one hundred percent the fault of everyone else and that I am doing everything just fine. And that when I tell them that I have AS, they think I am being dramatic. Even though I have alot of symptoms of AS and my mom works in mental health, they think I am just normal.

One of the hardest things is for me is when I get upset, my dad seems to think touching me and hanging around me makes me feel better. And he doesn't believe me when I tell him that it does the exact opposite. I guess in some ways NT people can't imagine someone else not feeling like they do. And all parents want their kids to have what they have and more and when they are possible told that they won't have that, the parents can get upset or go into denial. Because they feel their way is the only way to have a happy life.

I'm sure many will disagree with me here, but I think the father is better left alone. The relative is an adult and if he is willing to seek a diagnosis or other help, then his father doesn't need to be in the way. He is descending into alcoholism?! He has his own problems to deal with.
It's sad that his parents neglected his needs and he's now on a police log for something he didn't believe wrong. My husband works with an older guy that he's sure is an Aspie. There are tons of complaints about his staring, intrusive questions and how he stands too close to people. And that guy was married to a Special Ed teacher! (divorced now)

It sounds as if the parents have been made aware of the possibility that their son is different. The mother is finally coming to grips with it. The father no. Once a diagnosis has been made, his father can be told of the results and I would just drop it after that. I don't see the point. He sounds ill.

personally, I don't get it. When my son was in Kindergarten, I believe he was the only one of 5 kids that had developmental disabilities that was actually diagnosed and receiving special ed. The teacher complained that the other kids' parents were denying anything was wrong with their kid!! I mean I have to fight tooth and nail for services for my son and there are parents who just don't care enough. But the teacher still has to teach those kids, with no support. The police still has to come and collect a man who photographing and staring at small children.

my parents left all my AS related problems on me. i was bullied at school, i had to defend myself. i did have problematic childhood, but there was no support from their side. on the contrary, my father tried to educate me using force. sometimes i got beaten. as a lucky result i am strong individual, my motivation for climbing up was to be better or not to be so bad as my father. (my bro is NT but the father's education made him sensitive.) i am still strange and have problems specially with people who try to get closer to me (they find me weird). my parents don't even know that AS exists, i tried to talk about it with my family and they think that i just over-analyze myself. i must say that although i am in final stage of PhD, they are all low educated, so i don't expect them to understand. i am trying to pursue the official diagnosis and only then i will talk to them about it.

I don't know why people deny it. My MIL still insists there's nothing wrong with my son, but she's insane.

My aunt used to be a psychologist and tested children for problems such as AS. She left the field in 1994. She REFUSES to believe that there is anything at all wrong with my daughter, even though its painfully obvious.

Of course my daughter acts differently around her - she only sees her once or twice a year. And Elaina is spectacularly well-behaved around strangers.

When I discussed our suspicions about Elaina with my aunt, she got very upset and told me it was because of the way I parent, and because ELaina isn't an only child. She says if we hadn't had more kids after Elaina was born, she would be fine! She also says its because I'm a quote "firecracker" and holler at my kids. (Well of course I holler at the kids when they are doing something dangerous, or purposefully disobeying - but all in all I am really not a the type to yell a lot.) She is never around my family but thinks she knows everything just because she used to be in the field.

My mother took it okay when I told her my sons had AS. When I told her I have alot of AS characteristics and ADHD she went into denial because she wanted to blame my ex-husband. I told her it came from my father's side of the family. My father and his brother are definitely AS. I never really mentioned this to my father but after hearing about the boys differences and then finding out that his brother's grandson has Tourette's Syndrome, which is also on the spectrum he told his sister that it came from him and his family.(I very nearly had a stroke because I never thought he would admit to anything like that.) His exact words were, " Of course it is genetic. I have it, our brother has it, our father seemed to have it and the grandkids are all exactly like we were." My mother is still absorbing that.
My ex-inlaws haven't been told anything about their grandsons because it just wasn't worth the argument and the boys stopped going to their house a year ago because it is so loud and smoky. The boys' father is in denial so I can't see that his parents would be any different!