People who stare at our kids...should I tell them off? sigh.

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I have noticed that as my son gets older (he'll be 9 in a few days), some people stare at him more...ie. when we are at the pool, etc...He has speech delays, but other than that, acts pretty "normal"...he will repeat things, etc...says hi to everyone, etc...

Today we went to the pool and I saw at least two women staring at him...they'd look at him and then chat and then stare...etc...I was ready to get up and ask them what the heck they were staring at! Aren't NTs taught that it's not polite to STARE? Where the heck are their "social skills?"

Anyway, I'd like to know how you handle. I mean, if my son was throwing a tantrum or behaving badly, I would almost understand if someone stares...but he was just swimming alone, then playing around with a friend, etc...

Anyone who is autistic/aspie, would my son feel bad if I told them off? Should I defend him and tell these people off?
Or how should I handle...parents, what do you do?

Personally, I'd just ignore them. They weren't being deliberately or directly offensive and after all, you don't know why they were staring. Maybe your son reminded them of someone they know. Ok, that's a long shot, but not impossible.

I'm aware that sometimes when I'm out I see children who behave like my son, and I'm very aware that I'm probably staring at them. I was brought up not to stare, and I'm very conscious about it and definately don't want to seem rude, but sometimes it's hard not to. Once recently, we were in a cafe and there was a boy a bit older than my son who was flapping. My son flaps all the time, so I know I kept staring at this other boy. I just hoped that the woman with him didn't notice.

I think it was lilloleme who started a thread on this board a few weeks ago about good comebacks for strangers who stare, make comments, etc. about our kids or our parenting skills, perhaps you could find something in that thread that seems to suit your situation. I have read a few different posts here about people carrying cards which explain autism, aspergers, etc. to hand to people who appear to need to be better informed about the diversity of individuals in this world.

Aspie here. I don't think you should tell them off for mere staring. I think it is different if they actually stopped in the middle of an isle and started staring, or actually made a snide comment within earshot.

So no, I would not say anything. I like to look at people, so I probably stare myself. I wouldn't want someone else to bring this to my attention.

My brother is white and my sister-in-law is black. They have two kids and are always getting stared at. My sister-in-law just smiles and waves at the people who stare at them and it stops them dead in their tracks.

Ignore it, unless they say something offensive or do something beyond staring and talking. Otherwise, it is most likely nothing more than curiosity.

Last edited by dyingofpoetry on 15 Jul 2010, 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm with the ignoring unless it becomes more. As uncomfortable as it is for your kids and yourself people are free to stare. Let them embarrass themselves. I might stare back with my hands on my hips or something to make your presents known a little faster, if the people don't realize they are doing it that act should make them stop pretty quickly. Generally rude people would take more effort and they really aren't worth the time anyway. Silence is often more powerful than any confrontation, what people think you are thinking is often times much worse than what you really are.

If he doesn't notice that it's happening, probably so much the better. I was pretty much oblivious to "looks" when I was that age (I only noticed if people were actually rude/hostile/bullying). One of the things about myself I embrace to this day is a lack of self-consciousness--at least for the most part.



Agreed.

I bought my daughter a shirt that reads, "Yes, I am autistic! Stare if you must - I'm not paying attention to you anyway."

It's quite true, after all - she doesn't care what other people do in public, as long as they're not bothering her...

they werent doing anything offensive if they were just watching him play, so i'd just ignore it. i love to watch my aspie boy play as he has a very free, happy quality about him. hes lovely to watch, i wouldnt be surprised to see others watching him.

if its really bothering you, i would simply catch their eye and smile at them, maybe say hello if you are close enough. if they are being curious maybe they will ask you questions if you seem open to it, if they are being critical it should make them stop staring so much because they will realize you are aware of it.

could be any number of reasons why they were watching. maybe they know an autistic child and were recognizing and discussing similar behaviors? why even assume they are NT, maybe one or both of them are autistic and recognized him based on their own experiences. maybe he was simply the only person in the pool in front of them, our eyes have to look somewhere and often they are drawn to motion and activity.

i dont know you personally, so i dont know how sensitive you are to eye contact, but i know my SO is hypersensitive to being watched. even someone just looking at him innocuously in passing can make him uncomfortable and feel like he is being stared at. he can easily misinterpret casual people watching as aggressive staring.

Although it can be uncomfortable, sometimes staring isn't malicious and the person may not realize they are being rude. I know I tend to stare at people who look or are acting different, or if what they are doing touches my heart. If I were at a pool and noticed a child having lots of fun who appeared to be different, I might stare without meaning to. The things that go through my mind are very positive- How wonderful that this child has the opportunity to enjoy life and has parents that don't keep him hidden away. Maybe something he does reminds me of my daughter, and it amazes me that my daughter isn't so strange after all. Maybe I watch how you react to something, and am thinking wow- that was an awesome way of dealing with that situation. I'll have to try that sometime.

I know that staring is rude, and try really hard not too, but the way I learned to get along in this world is by watching people to learn the appropriate ways to behave.

I do think that the reason most people stare is curiosity though.

Speaking as an adult aspie who has an innate tendency to receive stares I have a confusing answer for you.
I have often (still do) gotten the attention your son does and ever since I noticed it (somewhere between 7 and 10) I have hated it. as a tween I would try to back away from people like that, trying to avoid the staring, feeling very exposed. As a teen I started snapping at them and I'd be lying if I said I ever stopped, as it gets to me. I should be allowed to sit, stand or walk in public without harrassment.

My mother's reaction has always been: "So what?" or "Does it matter?" when someone stares at me, and snapping at me if I react directly the person who was staring.

Her inability to understand what it feels like has been a constant barrier between us and it has caused me to see her as not being on my side, not standing up for me, even more so when I became a teen. Of course she does love me , and she has always done a lot for me, and stood up for me on other occasions, so that's not the issue. But she doesn't understand this part of my life and can't relate at all, and that creates a barrier. It probably doesn't help that I suck at talking about feelings. I can easily say "I'm so pi**ed off at those idiots staring!" but I find myself unable to explain more calmly "It feels like..." I don't think it'd do much diff, though, as she can't relate.

When I was 9 I would've been very ambivalent about my mother getting involved.
The pros:
-she shows that she's on my side
-she confirms that what they do is wrong
-she confirms that I have the right to be left alone
-I'm not alone in this
-she confirms that she understands

The cons:
-could lead to more bullying
-would make me very aware of my mother's awareness of me being different, and that would make me feel bad. my home was sanctuary, the one place I could get away from all the s**t that happened in school at that time.
-a confrontation can be scary and seeing a parent angry even if it is on your behalf, can feel scary
-can lead to guilt that the parent needs to meddle like that (I would've felt like that from ca age 10-11, probably not 9)
-could lead to feeling resigned: Now she has to defend me again
-I must be a dissappointment to her

Worst case scenario: he'll avoid being seen with you, since that would lead to you seeing how others treat him and or his reactions to it.
Which is to some degree where I am now. if it's early in the morning or vacation, the chances of it happening is slimmer, otherwise I'll want go alone or stay inside. Always terribly aware that we're not treated in the same.

At his age I just wanted the problem to go away.

Some years later I sure would've appreciated some understtanding from my mother.. Like if someone stared and I snapped "What?!" that instead snapping "Skilpadde! Now you keep quiet!" that she'd just for once say "Well if you hadnt stared like crazy, she wouldn't have snapped at you" or "Well maybe it was an over reaction but you kind of brought it on yourself with that staring of yours".
Why is it so hard to get? In my experience no one likes to be stared at, so even I understood at early age that it was impolite to stare.


Is your son aware of it yet? Is there a way you can talk it over with him without making him feel bad? Put out feelers and see how he feels and how he sees it?

The right course of action depends a lot on his personality.

My son is only 5, and so far he does not notice people looking or staring at him when he is acting differently, but it does bother me. For the most part, I just blow it off and go on with my life. The way I see it, what good does confronting them do, and more than likely, we will never see those people again. I do agree that it is rude for them to continue staring.

I find myself staring - and smiling - at all sorts of unusual kids because I find them adorable. I really hope their parents aren't upset by it.

If someone is staring with that cold eye that says, "I don't approve," it's one thing. But not all staring is bad.

And, either way, the best thing to do seems to be either to ignore it, or acknowledge the look in a friendly way. If they are trying to be critical, they want to make you uncomfortable. If they fail at that, you've crushed them.

When people stare at me, I blow kisses at them.

My son is 11, I don't normally say anything, but one day I did. The woman was extremely apologetic, and confessed to staring at my son because he was very cute and what he was doing was fascinating. He had been looking at himself in the stainless steel fridge at our local supermarket and chatting to himself whilst making funny hand pattern/gestures. He had been none the wiser until I said something, not a good move. Shopping and other people are stressful enough without adding to self doubt . Wow didn't I feel bad.