Denial of having Asperger's

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As my Aspie daughter gets older, (she is almost 18), and has mastered many areas of difficulty that were real challenges, she adamantly refuses to believe that she has Asperger's or any difficulty at all.

I am at my wit's end, because the more difficult something is, the more she digs in her heels and refuses to take any responsibility for the problem. She has always used opposition and apathy as ways to cope, but how I am I supposed to deal with her insistence that she has never had anything wrong with her, that all the doctors are wrong, that the tests don't mean anything, that she is not having problems with friends, school, neighbors, teachers etc.

She feels that I am a terrible mother because I share her dx with close f riends. She believes a good parent would never tell other people that there is something different about their child. She wants to believe that she presents perfectly normal, and that I made up all kinds of things about her. She never believes that she does anything incorrectly, and blames any and everyone else.

The school is pretty fed up, because she won't participate in any special program or class that addresses her issues. She insists on taking regular classes, and of course can't keep up. She just wi thdraws rather than fail, so she can say she didn't fail the class. She is going to be 20 when she is a senior, and the school says she won't have enuf credits to graduate because of all the courses she failed or didn't complete.

When I t ry to t alk to her about it, she says I am rude, and that I should stay out of her business.
What I want to know is this something else, or indicative of an autisitc disorder. Her dad was bi-polar and aspy like, but he is long gone from her life. I am so worried for her future.

Any help or suggestions would be so appreciated. Oh, she stopped taking ritalin last year because she said it was starting to make her paranoid, after taking it for ten years sucessfully. She has been taking Zoloft for 12 years, for OCD, anxiety, picking at skin and depression.[b]

Honestly as a 30 year old aspie woman, I would have been the very same way as your daughter is now! I can't imagine very many children reacting well to being told that they are wrong and need to bend to better judgement. Literally it would be like a man coming into your life, proclaiming you ret*d, taking over the management of your life, constantly telling you that you do everything wrong and when you question him he tells you "don't worry honey, you are ret*d, just listen to me and do things as I say! Because you may not know it, but you offend people, you don't make any sense, and frankly if you keep going the way you are, I don't know what is going to happen to you! I know it is hard to hear it, but you just need to do what I say and you will be ok!"

Now, your daughter is not ret*d, people with AS are never of lower IQ! But the principle is the same, you would probably smack that guy pretty hard and run! Now, lets just say the state steps in and tell you that you have to live with him, because they think you are ret*d too! You are going to be hurt, confused, and very confrontational. I doubt you will just bow down to everyone else’s better judgement! Your daughter, is in the same position, she thinks she is fine, she is not going to believe otherwise, in trying to label her further, she is going to fight you even harder!

So what do you do? I don't have much time left, I have to get my mother over to my sisters, but I think you need to start identifying things as they happen, point out that they are a problem, and work with your daughter for a solution.

Two things I can leave you with, is a book called "the explosive child". It is a very good read, and has a handy dandy website that you can peruse, just Google it I don't have the web link handy right now!

The other is to look over this thread I wrote for someone else, i think it addresses a lot of your concerns, and shows how I manage my 12 year old and how he functions in the real world.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... ic&t=33215

At the end of the day, you need her on your side, you are not going to get her on your side by telling her that she is defective, and needs to do things the way other people dictate deferring to their good judgement! She thinks she sees everything very clearly, you won't convince her otherwise, and you don't want to, because that would be very damaging to her self esteem!

I have no advice to offer.

But I can imagine this as a possibility in the future because my son also uses opposition and apathy to cope.

Good luck!

I really refused to admit it to myself...I hated that I had a probelm...

but I finally came to terms with it (and other things) and been a happy person because of it
and I'm 18 now...I've known since I was 12-13...
you can't force these things

One thing I read (Everything You Need to Know About Your Asperger's Child) was that you should discuss with your child to whom s/he wants to disclose about the condition. I think it is up to your daughter to decides who to tell.

Oops, I misread you. Of course you have to talk to your close friends to get some emotional support. Perhaps she needn"t know.

I don't know about aspie children but surely at some time she has to face the consequences. She may waste a few years on education but most of us have enough years to fix up mistakes.

From my short exposure to aspergers, I think many can be stubborn. But this stubborness also helps them succeed and survive. Eventually I am sure she will see the truth. Let's hope she doesn't come to too much harm before then.

I was at the stage that I let my sister suffer and have her next breakdown because she would not listen and she would not admit her problems. She also thought she was covering her depression whereas her family were absolutely sick of her negativity. She learnt her lesson the hard way and had a very hard year.

Finally, what are her strengths and talents?

I know you are at your wits end. She is your daughter and you want to protect her. You also want her to have the best life that she can. But it is her life. When she falls she needs to know that you are there, that you will always support her no matter what she does.

Look after yourself. Do you need help? What do you do for you? If you are suffering, you can't look after anyone else.

Best of luck

Robyn

you can only help someone who wants to be helped. i know this is hard~ my son has dug his heels in on things, and not let up. I am trying very hard to let him make his own mistakes, and fail if need be.....some people really do learn better when they learn from the "school of hard knocks"

My youngest sister is 18 and on the spectrum (PDD-NOS), and she too does not like anyone to view her as "different". She has a difficult time empathizing with other kids who have special needs. She is receiving very few extra supports in school right now, by choice. My parents have a tendency to "baby" her which frustrates her to no end!

How are you going, Aspymom? I hope you feel okay with the advice you were given.

Regards, Robyn

Thank you to all who took the time to help me with my dilemma: "Daughter who can't accept diagnosis of AS or special help."

I don't feel so alone or helpless when I hear how you coped or felt with the same issues. I am so grateful, I could give you all a big hug. Of course, you probably would find that rather uncomfortable, so THANK YOU ALL.