talking back, arguing and ALOT of attitude- advice?

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Hello everyone,

This is the lastest issue we are having with our 9 yr old.
He LOVES to argue.... no matter what you say to him he has to talk back and give attitude.

His teacher pointed out that it was becoming a real problem in class and that she was afraid that our son had picked this up because he has been trying to fit in with a group of boys that pretend to be his friends. I guess these boys are bad news and are very disrespectful to adults.

We have always told our son that if an adult in charge tells you to do something or to stop doing something that there is a reason for it and that he is to do what he is told - period.
I realize that at times he gets stressed out and that can be a factor, but at other times
if we ask him to do homework, chores, or simply to stop doing any bad behavior he becomes defensive and starts talking back to us. Grrrrrrrr.... to say the least we are at our wits end.
We have tried about everything to get him to understand what is considered talking back, and being disrespectful to no avail. Is this normal? What is the best way to handle this and get him to stop?

It sounds kind of typical for that age, maybe a little earlier than norm-but remember, he's embarking pre-teens.

When I used to talk back to adults it was because I wanted to learn the reason for something....alot of times it didnt make sense to me or seemed illogical.I also didnt understand why it hurt to ask for an explaination for their reasoning....I mean, was their time so valuable that they couldnt spend an extra few minutes explaining something?I believed that the erason they didnt want to explain was that they didnt have a good reason for wanting me to do something but just thought of me as an "object" they could minipulate at their whim and their convenience with out regaurd to how I felt or what I wanted.This didnt exactly make me want to cooperate....nobody likes to feel like an "object".The problem was what I thought and what I said were two different things......I wanted to make these "points" to them but didnt have the verbal skills yet to do so.....So, I just sounded like some whinny,beligerent brat(I would imagine).Cant tell you the number of times I was told...."dont talk back,dont you sass me,or because I said so".......This really destroied my relationship with my parents.I felt they thought of me as "sub-human" merely because I was shorter then them....and they thought I was intentionally trying to upset them....because they were upset(I felt this progression of reason lacked logic and it still annoies me when people "assume" that because they feel something that I am doing "whatever",merely to illicit that response....I wasnt....It wouldnt be logical nor achieve my intended goal,which was to use logic to get to do(or avoid doing)something I did/didnt ant to do.(generally wear dresses or some other uncomfortable cclothing to school/church.


If you made it through that...congratulations....if not,my point is.....dont assume that just because your child does something and then you feel a certain way.....that the child is doing/saying something to illicit that response....their motive may be very different then the result(bad feelings)you get from their behavior/actions.I also think you should be a little proud that your child is questioning "authority" and learning to think for themselves.......thats as useful as knowing when to follow directions....the real challeng is getting to know when to follow and when to question.....for me it was usually a matter of respect/trust,that the individual had my best interest(and not their own selfish motives)in mind when making the request.

We my boys get frustrated or angry they'll call me or my husband an idiot or stupid. We have made it clear that this is unacceptable and expect an apology.

We have found with our sons (who go on WP regularly) that threatening to lose their WP privledges works extremely well! They will apologise immediately.

We've started our boys at Taekwondo which teaches respect, plus the activity burns off a lot of energy! I go with them so it's something we enjoy together.

But I also think it's an age thing and kids will try it on. You have to be clear with your boundaries and stand firm.

If you hadn't said he was 9 I'd have sworn you were talking about Z, he's 10 and trying hard not to make it to 11.

It is, unfortunately, very normal. S, she is also 10 is going through the same thing but tends to mutter under her breath rather than employ Z's more vocal outbursts.

Smelena is right, they must be made to understand it is totally unacceptable and is a punishable offense. Had a go at Z just this evening about this issue.

our 15 year old has struggled with this....he doesn't seem to see things as i do~ that is, his "arguing with me" is, (in his opinion) just him stating a difference of opinion. if he doesn't agree with you, he'll argue to the nth degree about why you would think that way.
he's gotten better about this, but still has his moments when he just can't seem to help stating his opinion.
i don't mind him stating his views, but some people do as sometimes son's views are quite controversial. he's had to learn that sometimes stating his opinon gets him in quite a bit of trouble. he's also had to learn how to state his opinion without offending everyone around him. we've insisted on no name-calling...still trying to get him to be a better listener. he does fairly well listening to others if he's not all heated about the issue.