What do you do....

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I've noticed over the past few days that my son hasn't been playing with the neighbor boy as much, but he's been playing a lot more with the kid's little sister. Come to find out, the boy has been telling Zack things like "I don't want people to see me walking with you because you make me look like a nerd" and he also told him he doesn't want to be his friend any more.

Zack is really confused by this. He still likes the boy, and says the boy is still his friend, but since he doesn't express how he feels very well, it's very hard to listen to these things and not feel bothered by the lack of expression and that he doesn't seem to have the realization that this kid is not a very good friend (granted I have this same problem-my family was/is pretty rough towards me and I keep going back, lol).

My mother never stepped into situations like this when I had them, but I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not. It doesn't seem to be bothering him as he just goes next door and asks to play with the little girl instead of the boy, and doesn't even ask if the boy is home anymore, yet he still refers to him as his friend .

I guess what I'm asking is should I step into this at all? Should I talk to Zack about it? Should I just let it run it's course? (remember, they are in kindergarten, live next door to each other, and this kid is already saying things like this to him) Should I talk to the boy's mother?

I don't know how to read Zack's expressions well, so if he is showing any signs of distress or confusion by it, chances are I am not catching them. He's also not good at showing it, so I might be missing things he is doing or ways he is acting.

But it hurts me as well, as that is probably the same reason I never have had any friends, lol-I'm just "weird" and people didn't want to hang around me... I still don't have many friends due to it.

I'd like opinions from both NT parents and AS parents (not to be specifying, but just pointing out I'd like the different perspectives and reactions to these situations as we do tend to think differently). I'm AS, so I think I might be taking it more personal than I should be. I do know kids do have these little things throughout friendships-especially when younger. I still remember the days of "you're not my friend anymore!" then going back to play with that person the next day, lol. But I don't remember how it felt, and I think that's where I'm getting tripped up in how to respond to this.

At the same time, I'm thinking-they are only in kindergarten... I wonder if I should point this out to his mother now that it is not acceptable in my eyes, and hopefully she can put a semi-stop to it before it gets really out of control, as I don't see either of us moving in the near future, lol.

But I also wonder if it's just because I was treated that way as well that I'm actually hurt by this, and it may not be effecting him as strongly (I don't really remember whether or not I cared one way or the other when these things happened when I was younger).

they are only in kindergarten, so i wonder where did the boy get the idea that walking with your son would make him look like a nerd. from his family members? how come a child in kindergarten bothers with such adult things?

my parents also left me alone in these situations. and when these things happened i didn't need anybody to complain to. i liked to be independent.

Well, it's odd, but I've noticed the kindergarteners these days... wow-they're already worried about "fashion" and looking cool to other people and such. I think they are just more exposed to things, and this kiddo happens to have 2 uncles that are around 17-18ish I think, so that must factor in somewhere-he spends a lot of time with them. I'm guessing the nerd thing comes from the fact that my son doesn't care what people think of what he wears and such (he wears care bears, thomas the tank engine stuff, blue's clues, etc.). He is also very very cautious about things-he worries a lot about things when it comes to following rules and all, and he has the "coke bottle glasses" thing going on as he is blind in one eye and only has half vision in the other.

Tonight he had an elaborate plan to tell the boy's sister what he had said to him (and it's not the first time I've heard of these types of things by all means), and she would go tell her mom, lol. He figured this because the little girl is very outspoken and jumps at opportunities to get him in trouble.

I'm sensing even if I did talk to the mom it probably wouldn't make a difference. I witnessed a bit of a situation and her reaction to it tonight. Her son was playing near these kids that always pick on him and his friends-one pushed him down. Later she used that incident to justify her son whacking the boy with his skateboard and kind of blew it off as if he'd done nothing wrong.

I don't think I'll step in and say anything, as nothing would happen anyway, and it doesn't matter even if someone did say something to him, it might would give him reason to say more hurtful things to Zack in the long run. But if the boy comes over to play, I don't think I am going to let him. He's said a few things to Zack that I wasn't sure I heard correctly at the time so I didn't address them or make a big deal out of them since Zack didn't seem to be too bothered by them. But after hearing about the latest things he's said to him, I think that's where I can at least step in-if he wants to play with him and all, he's gotta at least be decent about it, lol, not throwing insults his way every time he gets a chance, and allowing him to come in and play with Zack, even though Zack does still like him and all, is just setting up Zack for more abuse from this kid, even if it's nothing major yet-it's only a matter of time. Things he's said are starting to get a bit more hurtful over time.

The only way I can really tell is Zack repeats when something bothers him, he will mention it. Usually he makes a bigger deal of it, but he has mentioned it 3-4 times just today alone. So even if I can't do a ton when they are outside playing as it is his choice to keep playing with this kid and I do want to allow him to have that independence, I can at least keep it from happening in our house.

My 7 year old son has a very limited concept of friendship. He'll say things like, I like the look of that kid, he's my friend ... yet won't know the other kid's name let alone ever have played with him.

My 7 year old has certainly been excluded due to his odd behaviour, but luckily he has 1 friend. His friend is very quiet and shy and equally obsessed with dinosaurs. They both struggle with PE.

I love his little friend, he's the sweetest kid.

I'd rather my 7 year old have 1 lovely friend, then be friends with a group of kids who would let him down at a whim.

Also, my 8 year old much prefers playing with younger kids and looks after them beautifully. He really struggles with kids his own age.

As long as your son is happy, I wouldn't step in.

i was very much the same, the younger children took me in easier. my parents told me it's odd, so i stopped looking for their company, but at the same time i didn't fit among kids of my own age. i never had more than two friends. i usually spent my time alone in my room. my mother started to pay me if i went out. i got paid by hours

Hi! I'm Smelena's mother. The only way that I know what is going on in her life is to read posts here!

The family doesn't sound very nice to me, so I agree with you that it would only make things worse to step in. The whole thing would escalate to a fight between adults.

As long as your son wants to play with that little girl, it's probably ok to let him. But I don't think it will be a long friendship.

You seem to have good instincts about your neighbours.

I try to... it's so hard though because I know I don't read things as they are intended a lot of the time, so they come across very differently than what the actual situation is, lol. I often have to ask advice on things like this, as I'm not sure if it's my perception making it seem so rough or if it really is just a bad situation all around. I have to do this with a LOT of things, lol.

My boyfriend said to ignore the kiddo, that they will have their fights here and there, and that right now he's picking on Zack because he's an easy target. Unfortunately, Zack just likes him anyway because he was his first friend ever, and he doesn't realize the kid is being mean to him

But it's okay-after talking to my bf we agreed on the thing where the kid isn't allowed into the house, lol, as that would just allow further bullying, and he agrees that Zack might should stay clear of this kid until the kid figures out what is going on-he's got a lot of rough stuff in his life going on and that adds to it I'm sure as well. His father just moved in up the street, so it's good that his parents are closer together, but I think it has increased the anger about them being separated as well, and it's coming out in a lot of ways.

I feel sorry for the kiddo, but ultimately, it's not my problem-I don't feel sorry enough for him to change my mind about the situation regardless, lol. But I do hope it straightens out soon so that it's not so confusing for him and he isn't so angry all of the time... if it ever does

Oh Mum - you know it's only because I'm exhausted! I love you!

Smelena

i wouldn't step into with the other family. i would, however, help your son to process the issue. talk about what real friends are. helping him to understand that now will help him to avoid potentially BAD friendships in the future...........trust me, it is very IMPORTANT that he learns what a real friendship is now rather than when he's 15 like my son.

problem is, I'm a LOT like him, lol, so I don't even know how to explain that one to him. I just see potential harm from this kid in the long run, yet I will pass it off just because he doesn't seem bothered by it.

I've had my share of friends who weren't so great, and still do at times. I'm naive, I don't grasp the concept of hurting someone else's feelings or saying mean things, but I don't avoid it. It doesn't bother me enough to remove someone from my life, and I easily blow things like that off since they don't make much sense to me.

What exactly should I tell him? lol, I probably sound like a complete moron, really... but I've never thought about this much, and have endured plenty growing up due to it-it's very hard to explain something to him that I don't quite grasp myself.

You need to tell him that real friends don't say things that are mean or hurtful or make him feel bad. They also don't ask you to do things that are not nice or against the law or bad. Real friends also want to be your friend all the time, they don't say things like "I am not your friend anymore" or leave you to go play with someone else all the time.

By teaching your son to be selective, he will avoid a lot of problems and heartache later on. He will avoid the trouble makers and the wrong crowd, he will also avoid the constant game of "wondering if ____ is going to be my friend today or not". It also will make him appear more confident, and other kids will respect him more because he is not a doormat.

Sometimes kids stuff is kids stuff, my daughters best friend says "I am not your friend anymore" to her very occasionally. My daughter is 4, and I tell her I don't think that is true, and sure enough, the next day her friend has a new attitude. Anything past the age of four though, and I am going to start coaching her not to put up with this nonesense. To teach her friend she can't just pick and choose when they will be friends, that she is not the one in control of the relationship! I will tell my daughter, the next time a child says this to her, to ask them "Are you sure, because if you are then I am not going to be your friend tommorow when you change your mind!" And to then follow through and give her the cold shoulder for at least a few days.

Although my daughter is an NT, I did the same thing with my son who has AS. It took a lot of coaching, but eventually he got it, and although he does not have many friends, and he is somewhat resistant to even hang around the "boarderline bullies" he does have a couple of decent friends who are a good sort of people. I have taught him, that is much more important then having a whole bunch of friends who don't always treat you well or get you into trouble all the time.

It will be a long process for him to learn who he can and cannot play with, what is mean or nasty or breaking the rules and what is not. You will need to always be vigillant and help him make those calls, or even make him aware of what is going on. With this kid, I would tell him "this boy is not a nice boy, the things he is saying are mean and hurtful. He is saying he does not want to be your friend anymore, and I think that you need to stay away from him unless he really changes his mind. You don't deserve to be treated like that, you are a nice and good boy and your real friends will treat you as such."

thank you very much lol, sorry I had to ask such a stupid question in the first place... these things just don't come that easy to me, lol.