My brother

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Hello, I am new here. I searched all over the internet for a forum to talk about this and I ended up here.
I don't know if this thread is even appropriate for this website but I need help.
I am not a parent, but my brother has asperger's. We are both in out late twenties.
I have moved out but he still lives at home.

My brother has these scary violent meltdowns. Sometimes he grabs knives. He's kicked in the glass on the oven, he's punches holes in the wall, etc. I really fear for my parents sometimes. And to top it all off, he smokes pot, A LOT of pot. I know pot is not like the worst thing in the world, but it makes him paranoid. It's not good for him. Plus, he doesn't work anymore. He quit his job of 7 years and now gets social security income. He spends it all on pot. The only thing he is responsible for is his cellphone bill. He is on a fixed income and does not manage it. At the end of every month he has a melt down because he is out of money. He is making no effort to better himself. Also, he used to drive and now he doesn't.

I know things do not come easy for him. But it's so frustrating. He is perfectly capable of working, driving, doing his own laundry, and cooking, but he doesn't. He doesn't want to.
The violence really, really scares me though. I used to live in constant fear of getting a phone call that he has hurt our parents. I wish there was some place for him to live. There is a group home in my town but according to them he is too high functioning to live in. My mom doesn't really seem interested in pursuing other options.

I don't know. I'm sorry if I sound cold hearted. I just don't know what to do.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Your brother needs a good talking-to. He also needs to have the cops called on him if he harms anybody.

Yes, pot IS bad for some people.

I'm going in a subway car which has no reception...

I'm home now.

Being an Aspie is no excuse for being a jerk. He needs to at least have some sort of counseling. He cannot live like this for too much longer--because either he, or someone close to him, will get hurt.

Do you find that he needs to be "understood?" Maybe he does.....but he has to stop the crap. That's the first thing he has to do. Tell his family that he is seeking a better way of living.

It would be good if you and your family "lend him an ear" in exchange for him to stop his violent behavior. If he can't "help it," he has something more than Aspergers.

This is a complex issue and it is your parents' decision as to how to proceed, so regardless of what you research and think is best, they are going to ultimately decide what to do. That is why you feel so helpless, which is one of the toughest feelings because of the lack of personal control over what goes on.

I obviously don't know all of what is going on with your brother, how high functioning he actually is etc. but it is possible that he is depressed, and as such he is not going to be as high functioning as he would be if he were not. In addition, when you say he is capable of being employed that may be technically possible, but that does not mean that employers actually want to hire him or deal with autistic issues, and as a result the general employment percentages for autistic people is abysmal. The latest number I saw was something like 12%, although that may have included a wide range of autistic people.

So, I think on your end, you also need to adjust your expectations to where your brother is now, regardless of what you think his potential may be. Obviously, the first priority is safety, and the rest of it is far, far down on the list. If he has anger issues, they may never be resolved sufficiently to be able to handle a workplace, and maybe he should not be driving with his anger issues either. But he needs help so he can safely live with other people in a residence, whether with your parents or other people -- and also to live in society.

So, honestly these are the local resources you need to find. I don't know if there is an autistic society or something like ARC which is a mental health organization, that may be able to provide references, but that is what I would focus on. I am not generally very quick to encourage meds, but that may be a necessary option -- at the very least he has to learn what his anger triggers are and learn how to avoid them and defuse anger when he notices it building up, or he knows he is in the midst of something that is triggering. The (probable) depression will probably need to be addressed as well. It is very difficult and demoralizing for autistic people in the adult stage if they feel stuck, as they often do in a suspended pre-adulthood. He is not meeting the benchmarks of his peers, and this is depressing and tends to make it that much more difficult.

Edited to add: I know he had been working for a long time, but I don't know what as -- and I don't know if this was something that is a typical teen job, that he expected to mature out of by now--like fast food vs. it being a career, or f is something else. If it is a job more generally seen as an adult job (yes, I know adults work these jobs also, but they tend to be stigmatized) in a field he is interested in, then something else is going on than just benchmark/moving onward in adulthood issues.

I second the idea that he may not be currently as capable as you want to assume. His behavior indicates a severe level of stress, and high levels of stress make controlling negative behaviors difficult.

Imagine how frustrating it must be to know you have talent and skills but just. can't. get. there. when it comes to making them work for you. You should assume that he knows he is falling short of his theoretical potential, and that is part of the reason for the self-medicating and the difficulty with self-control. I doubt he went on SSI because he randomly wanted to be lazy; he went on SSI because something is very wrong.

If he is a danger to your parents the best answer may be for him to find a situation in some kind of group home or independent living (you may need to look outside your immediate town). It would work best if it was his choice, so you would have to sell him on the positive things he could get out of it. He is probably aware that something in his life needs to change, but feels hopeless about getting there. Talk to him and see if a better situation can be figured out with your help. Keep judgement and your feelings about him wasting his life out of it. Focus on helping him find more calm inside himself.

The devil is in the details. What job did your brother have for 7 years and then quit?

I read the post and also agree with the assessment that your brother is likely depressed. If I were to speculate, whatever job you are going to tell me your brother had, it's going to be a menial job such as working in fast food, or in basic retail, etc. He's not making enough money to live on his own, and perhaps even if he was, he might be unable to manage it i.e. pay bills, etc. I'm sure his parents aren't getting any younger either, and he realizes they won't always be around. I'd say he has reason to be depressed.

There needs to be a long term solution for your brother and it should really be your parents who figure that out. While he's getting SSI payments, I don't think that's a good long term solution. Some form of employment where he can be engaged in something fulfilling would be best. Of course, we don't know his capabilities. Perhaps, if he's able, he can either attend a vocational school to learn a trade, or a community college to get a profession/career.

In the mean time, if he is breaking things in the house, the police do need to be called. The fact that he is grabbing knives, etc. is even worse. He needs to realize this type of behavior cannot continue and could lead to incarceration. Realizing that, he might also understand that he needs to change his ways and think about what he's going to do. He's still pretty young so he has plenty of opportunity to figure things out, as long as he's forced to make a choice.

If possible, I think he should be going for some form of counseling if it's available.

Thank you for all of your replies, I really appreciate them. Unfortunately I am typing this on my phone, so I'll give an in depth reply later.

Since his latest meltdown with the knife that landed him in the hospital, he has now been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Sorry if I misspelled that. At least we now know that there is something seriously wrong and can go from there.

And to those asking, he worked at a store and he quit because of a physical health issue he had at the time, not because of any mental health issue. I don't want to give too much detail incase he somehow finds this. I know it would not be enough money to live off of but at least it got him out of the house and gave him something positive and productive to do.

I hope he has a solid diagnosis and that they can find treatment for him that will work. If he can get healthy that alone might solve some of the most concerning issues.