My pregnant aspie wife is falling apart.

Post Reply New Topic

I have never been good at talking to my fellow autistic people, but now things are serious.

My wife was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, a disorder that could have dire consequences for our future son. He could be born overweight, which would make birth very difficult, with heart problems, or even Jaundice. Still there are actions my wife could take to reduce the odds of these problems happening. She could exercise more, take sugary, starchy foods out of her diet, and check her blood sugar regularly. If all else fails there is insulin.

But she won't do these things.

When she first found out she might have the disorder she freaked out. When she found she was diagnosed, she blamed everyone around her, including me and the Dr. Since then she has fallen into a pit of absolute despair. She spends her days sitting around playing video games, or doing nothing at all. She tells me that she doesn't want the baby anymore, and that life is not worth living,. She doesn't have the energy for anything, and if I talk to her about it she falls into tears. This is not my wife's first bought with depression, but I haven't seen it this severe in years, and it comes at the worst possible time.

Normally I would just be patient, and just be nice to her until her spirits lift, but we don't have time for that. The baby is due in August. So how do I get her to change her habits?

Why are you trying to have a child with someone this physically and mentally unhealthy?

It just seems like having a baby is the last thing you should be doing right now, and yet here you are. Did you not talk about any of these things before deciding to get pregnant? Does your wife have a psychiatrist?

This is probably insensitive of me to suggest, but is it too late to have an abortion? It sounds like your wife is too unhealthy (in a couple of different ways) to be pregnant right now.

calmly and together, but persistant also

gestional diabetes is only during pregnancy, try to find how you can motivate her to do these things for the baby, starting might be the most difficult but its important,
and after giving birth there's a real being, you can't give up on that neither
have some good time together while working towards more motivation
(egs, go shop and cook together, prepare a comfy baby-room, link the 'unpleasant restriction' to a happy goal everyday)

I'm sorry you and your wife are having such a hard time. I found pregnancy was a horrible experience, and I didn't have GD. Hormones in pregnancy are notorious for the impact on mental health, but paired with ASD it's really tricky.

My husband (who is NT) was so patient with me while I was pregnant and I'm so glad. That's my main advice, just to recognise that what she's going through is massive and hard. Second I would def encourage her to see someone. If she won't, you can see someone.

Re getting her to change her diet, I wonder whether part of the problem is anxiety getting in the way. Perhaps the changes seem to daunting or they make the situation too real? I would try and help her to see it in the context of her power to help the child, so positively encourage her. But it would really help if she could talk to someone (even if not a professional - maybe a trusted older friend?)

I suffered horrific depression during both of my pregnancies and after my son's birth. It can be a very turbulent experience for aspie women especially. I found it very difficult to get motivated and make good choices but it is worth it. Your encouragement is a big thing - don't underestimate it's value even if it's slow to results.

I strongly disagree with karathrace's comments. Pregnancy brought the worst out in me, but thanks to my patient husband and family, I have two beautiful healthy children whom I love very much.

If she is feeling like life is not worth living and not taking care of herself or the baby, she may need intervention. It sounds like she is at least experiencing passive suicidal ideation, if not active suicidal ideation. I know that this is likely a very difficult and scary thing to do, but she may need to be transported to the hospital for inpatient treatment if her depression is that severe and if she is unwilling to voluntarily seek help.

You could start making diet changes for the both of you. Educate yourself and only bring food into your house that is healthy. Maybe take over the food shopping and cooking since she’s having a hard time. If you change your eating habits too it will make it easier for her. I’m sure her blood sugar issues are contributing to her other problems.

Well if its really that bad she might benefit from some kind of impatient stay. Like I am not saying she's just some crazy person...I have spent time in psych wards for my depression to, so I am just thinking hers could be very severe like mine has been. It does complicate things that she is pregnant, since that can cause some hormonal things and bodily changes which sometimes can exacerbate mental health issues. It is one of the reasons I have decided against kids because I worry I may not be able to handle it.

But it might be worth talking about if she thinks it would help to be hospitalized, that can be a more stable environment and they can regularly check up on her to make sure she is ok, and help her with the pregnancy aspect. I mean maybe right now she feels like she doesn't care but that could be more the depression talking. Also there is a type of depression I've heard of women getting after pregnancy sometimes, but not sure if maybe it can occur during as well cant remember the specific name. But that may be something to look into as well.

Deep breath. I think it sounds like she has just lost confidence a little. It is not all that easy with hormones and summer and late pregnancy. It is her first child. This gestational diabetes stuff was a big knock and might have made her feel like she has done something wrong, that her body is not capable.

She needs a confidence boost. It is not harming the baby to sit about and play computer games. Perhaps that is what she needs to do now to recharge. Eating better would be good but it sounds like she is unable to face that right now.

Make a list of items that are low on the GI index and try and shift your diet to avoid things high in the GI index. Would she be ok with one of those little finger pricker kits you can buy at the chemist so she can take charge of testing her blood sugar in the morning and once or twice after meals? So she can build up a picture of her blood sugar. The gestational diabetes test in pregnancy can be quite unreliable. Getting her own idea of what is going on would be good and confidence building.

In my first pregnancy I got freaked out that other people seeemed to know so much more about MY body than me. It really made me feel really alienated and not at home in myself. Once I figured that out though it got better.

How does she feel about birth? Would she go to any hypnobirthing classes or anything else that is relaxing. Is it possible for you to get her a doula? Doulas are brilliant and the right person with the right experience who gets on with your wife would be worth gold.

Also, given she has this bout of depression now perhaps try and set up some after birth care for her in case she is likely to get post natal depression?

Update. After four hours of auguring over cereal, after we both had a meltdown (I have issues too), and after another two hours of cuddling and making up, my wife now agrees that we should both purge as much sugar and starch from our diets as possible, set up an exercise routine, and check our blood sugar after meals.

Although I don't have diabetes I will be going through the same routine as she does as a show of solidarity. Besides, I am overweight. I am very happy with the outpouring of support I found on this thread. I am thankful of all of you.

^^ so glad she is feeling better.

It is all about just helping her feel confident. I was a nervous wreck for the early stages of my first pregnancy, it settled down, and everything was great. Second time round I felt confident enough to give birth at home in my living room! For me, the problem was always not liking people being in control of my body or telling me things about my body. It felt invasive and threatening to me and I needed to take back the reigns a bit.

I went to see a hypnotist once in pregnancy, I didn't think it was very useful at the time but then I realised it was very easy to self hypnotise and very relaxing. I recommend finding some kind of holistic therapy that she feels comfortable with and she can use herself. Meditation podcasts, yoga, anything like that.

Please tell her if she needs someone to talk to she is very welcome to speak with me.

Arevelion,

Good luck to both of you as you make positive changes in your lives.

I had a doula for my second delivery. Loved her. I think you should definitely hire one. If you can find one that needs the hours to finish training, that can save a lot of money.

I am glad the two of you have worked out a plan together. I think her first priority right now is mental health, but it is all tied together. Eating better will make her feel better, but there is so much comfort in junk foods. One thing that is important is to actively support family diet changes. That includes putting yourself on the same diet, as you currently plan to, and cooking/shopping for the "good" foods as much as possible. Explore new recipes together. Make it fun. It's a dead end to tell someone "you need to eat better" without actively helping to integrate the habits into your life together.

I hope she will agree to getting help with the mental health issues. For me the kicker was seeing my son's face one day. I had always waited out my lows, but suddenly someone else was being harmed by my off days. It is a difficult thing to accept.