Parenting a Step-child with AS

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I'm pretty sure this has been covered already (and sorry about that) but I would like to start a new thread....

I'm a step-mother to a 7 year old boy with AS. His mother is a drug addict and abandoned him when he was 4 years old, so, we have full custody of him.

I know I'm going to get alot of hate for saying this, but throughout all that I hope to find somebody who understands my situation. I really really dislike my step-son and find it extremely difficult to love him unconditionally through his syndrome. It hurts me to my core that I cannot connect or bond with this child and that I prefer my biological daughter over him. I WANT to be that awesome step-mom who saves the world and changes this kids life for the better...like you hear happening on TV and in stories online....but I'm not. I struggle every day to feel love for him. Fact is, I did not grow this child in my belly for 9 months and give birth to him, ON TOP of him having AS....I wonder if our connection will ever grow. I hide these feelings from my husband. I'm not even going to get into our issues with him, because most everybody on here understands the struggles that come with raising an AS child.

I basically want to know I'm not alone in feeling this. I wonder if I'm a horrible person for feeling this way, or if it's normal. Any other step-parents out there that struggle to enjoy their AS step-child? Please tell me it's not all me and that alot of it is the way AS kids don't openly accept affection and love.

What do you do to stay sane? How do you stay positive on days you just want to run away? How do you cope with the dislike for your step-child and what do you do to deal? Anything in particular you do to make your AS step-child open up to you and feel more comfortable around you?

I'm totally open to a pen-pal to keep in touch with often through email who endures the same pain as me.

Thanks!

Last edited by birdsongs31 on 08 Sep 2014, 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

OK so you are not so keen on the lad with AS, but think for a moment. What is it about him that gets on your nerves ?

I find it hard to imagine that a 7 year old boy, regardless of AS / NT status, can be that horrible that a step mother hates the kid. Is he your partner's child ?

Think for a moment, what interests him. The chances are that the seven year old has some interests in this world. Is there something which you can do together with him that both of you would enjoy ?

I'm not in the same situation but just wanted to say that I post on a lot of parenting sites and what you are feeling isn't uncommon at all for step parents when the child doesn't have AS as well.
I would try and stop comparing your relationship with him to the relationship with your dd. It will be different. So long as you look after him and help him then you are doing your job.
Hopefully a step parent on here will be able to give a more insightful reply.

I guess my question to you is about if you connect well with any kids that aren't your own. Do you have feelings approximating love for any of your daughter's friends, or for nieces and nephews? And if you do, is there a pattern to what makes you feel connected to certain children v. others?

The reason I'm asking is because it is really rare for me to meet a child I don't just naturally feel warmth towards. For me, I guess, that is a natural personality trait. So, if I were to have a stepchild, I assume it would extend.

Not everyone is like that.

If you don't naturally wrap all sorts of children into your world, why would a stepchild be any different? In that case, it may be less about the fact that he is an ASD child, and more about the fact that he isn't your own.

I give you credit for wishing you were different in this than you are, and doing your best in spite of it.

.

As a person on the Spectrum, when I was 7 years old, I didn't need a lot of overblown, syrupy love, especially if it would demand a response from me in turn.

I basically needed a largely sane, dependable environment. And not 100%. Just as long as it's largely sane and dependable.

And one thing in particular, please be open to the idea that stimming is normal and healthy, just like a 'quote' normal person may fiddle with a pen while talking on the phone. And yes, you can matter-of-factly talk about private vs. public stimming and your step-son will probably get it. Now private stimming in my room, I will sometimes twist or squeeze a soft T-shirt as I imagine sports or movies, and I will sometimes make grunting noises or sounds of explosions. So be it. And yes, this is embarrassing to reveal. I have a college degree and have been a retail manager, although overall I'm a writer and an artist and struggle with jobs. If your step-son stims in his room in a similar embarrassing fashion, try and cut him a little slack and be gentle with him. If it's time for dinner, knock on the door and be gentle, giving him his space and a good couple of minutes to get to dinner. It's just one of those things.

** For me, this kind of long stimming often functions the same way a nap might, and plus I get creative ideas and mentally review things. Stimming can also help deal with sensory issues and/or maintain concentrate. That needs to be the more low-key public stimming. Now, in fairness, some people here at WrongPlanet have said that stimming is sometimes a distraction. That has not been my experience, but for those who have this experience, then I'm guessing it's a more artful thing where sometime's it's a positive, sometimes it's not.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 08 Sep 2014, 1:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

@ Woodpecker...

You're right, it seems silly that I dislike him so much being that he's only 7. Let me give you a run-down of what happens when I do try things with him that he enjoys...

He's obsessed with legos but when I try to play with him he'll get pissed off if I use a certain lego or he'll tell me I made something wrong.
If we do crafts together he doesn't know how to share the glue stick and snatches it out of my hand or will refuse to share certain color crayons.
Bike riding together is a challenge b/c he shouts out how much better he is at bike riding than everybody else (when actually he's horrible at it).
If we play catch with a baseball he'll cry and run inside if he barely gets hit by the ball.
I take him to the movies for a mother-son dates and he doesn't say a word the entire time.

I think alot of what gets on my nerves is that he's mean to my daughter and he's obsessed with his dad and makes an effort to make sure I know it. He'll only make eye contact with his dad, only talk to his dad, only ask his dad questions, will only sit by his dad and hug his dad, he'll literally walk across the entire house to ask his dad if he can have a bag of chips or something when I'm right there and he could have asked me...he literally ignores me for days at a time. I've been a step-mother to him for 3 years and have tried EVERYTHING to make him happy but it's still not good enough for him. This is why I struggle enjoying him. And I never understand how I can and can't discipline him or draw the line because he "doesn't understand what he's doing". I'm living with a 7 year old that runs the damn house.

@ DW_a_mom

Good point. I myself am not the most open and warm person...but I'm also not completely void of it either and other kids love me. I know that people with AS are extremely intelligent, so do you think maybe he's picking up on my frustration and energy :/

I don't think it is any less natural for him to prefer his dad than it is for you to prefer your own bio child. It is not realistic for you to expect him not to show it, when you yourself are struggling with a parallel issue. he is 7, and you are an adult. He may, or may not be picking up on your feelings. Social intelligence is not the same as intellectual intelligence so having one does not imply the other.

Just b/c it is traditional for the mother to be the lead parent, doesn't meant that it has to be that way. Maybe you and your step son would be more comfortable if his dad took lead. It would give both of you some space from each other which you both probably could use.

This is going to sound like a cop out, maybe, but I suggest family counseling, with someone who understands autism. Seriously. Your resentment of him is coming through loud and clear in your posts. I can't imagine how he's not picking up on that, which may explain why he's not warming up to you. Does he warm up to his teachers? How are they interacting with him? They did not give birth to him either, so maybe you can learn from what they do. Or maybe it's an autism specialist you can work with to learn how to interact with him better.

Kids with ASD can be very warm and loving. Time spent with his drug addict mom who abandoned him may be what interferes with trust and bonding and you having trouble with that may be a reflection of what that's done to him.

This is VERY sad.

I agree about a counselor with experience with kids who have been through this kind of thing or are on the spectrum maybe being helpful.

Actually, reading your post just above this one, it sounds to me like he is acting like a 7 year old that doesn't want a step mom in his life. I guess he liked it better when he was his daddy's number 1. Which, really, isn't an unusual thing for a 7 year old. It is possible that the main way the ASD is affecting all that is by making the problem more entrenched for longer than it might have been in an NT child; ASD kids can be more extreme with all their personality traits and actions.

Although we do both know, I would bet, how our own frustration and angers tends to always feed our kid's worse behaviors. That would play in.

Has he seen a counselor at all to talk about all the big changes in his life with you and his mom and his dad? It probably has all been a whole lot for a little guy to process, and the ASD may have made it all much more confusing for him that anyone suspects.

One thing that happens when my son is confused and upset is that he tends to find his own scapegoats and explanations - and they usually are the wrong ones. Without a lot of digging I would rarely have any idea how my son had processed something. You can't fix the misconception until you know what the misconception is. Thus, the need for a third party.

---

Edited to add: I can't say that my father and I ever "liked" each other much when I was growing up. My mom once noted that she didn't think we would have ever picked each other. But we did love and respect each other. When you are around someone a lot you should eventually have a chance to see the positive things that make them special. Look for those and focus on them, instead of the things that make the relationship difficult. I've applied that same concept often in my life in entirely different situations, and it works.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 08 Sep 2014, 7:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.

People are going to think I'm a jerk for saying this. I say this not out of hatred, but out of concern. I hope that a misunderstand or that you are exaggerating your feelings.

It seems to me that when one marries a person with children, one accepts the whole family as one's own. One should only do so if one can love the whole family. If a child is not loved, he will pick up on it, even an ASD child.

I think it must be really destabilizing for a child on the spectrum to go through a difficult relationship with his mother, establish a routine with his father, then have a step-mother and step-sister come into his life. It's the combination of his autism, his age, the changes, and your position as a step-mother that makes the situation hard.
My husband must be the best step-father in the world, and part of it, as DW_a mom noted, is that he bonds easily to children who aren't his own. I'm not as great a step-mother, but maybe our experience will be helpful for you.
It was years before either of us disciplined or said anything negative to each other's children. When anything went wrong, we would remove ourselves and/or our children from the situation, and let the bio parent handle it. We were really adamant that our children shouldn't be forced to adapt to new standards, rules, disciplinary techniques, etc. The two of us spent a lot of time talking about our needs and how the parent could help or explain things to the child. Fortunately, our values and parenting practices are similar, so this didn't result in much tension.
I can't really say when we started disciplining each other's children... or, in fact, if we did. We got so I could redirect the behaviour (although I spent a lot of time in my room or out with my kids when one of his was around, because he pushed my buttons). What did change was that we progressively spent more positive time with each other's kids. In particular, he became really involved with my kids (who were living with us) and they gradually started to rely on him. My son, who has some autistic tendencies, took a long time to trust him, but now has a close relationship with him. But he is still very much "my" son, and our relationship is more natural and "in sync" than his is.
The other thing I wanted to suggest is that you get to know more about autism and how this might be affecting your step-son. Go to a parents' support group, read books, ask questions here. When we become parents, we often read up on age-appropriate behaviour and learn how to manage inappropriate behaviour. Children with autism do not necessarily follow the same patterns of development or respond to the same techniques. To use some of your examples, some children on the spectrum don't like to play "with" people or share their toys. So he might prefer for you to draw your own pictures, build with your own lego, or buy your own glue stick. Not talking at a movie might be considered very appropriate behaviour... On the way home, you could ask him a specific question about it to open up dialogue.
In other words, don't assume he doesn't like you and that's why he's behaving this way. You're an adult and need to have the maturity not to take it personally. It's important for the whole family for you to figure out how to have a tolerable relationship.

Hi. I'm a parent to two ASD toddlers, and step-parent to 3 NT kids. A lot of what you're talking about is very common in a step-parent experience, whether or not the stepkids have challenges. Your 7-year old has had a rocky life, and probably didn't feel secure even before you came into the picture. Then you show up, and he doesn't know how long you're going to be around. His first mom left him, why wouldn't you? However, his dad is the guy who rescued him - his ultimate savior. That is the person who made him feel safe.

Here is the deal, straight, no-chaser. This is your problem to fix, if you want to have a happy family. It may be the hardest, and most self-sacrificing thing that you ever have to do, but it's got to be done. You have to figure out a way to let this child into your heart. He has problems taking turns, ASD children do that. He has difficulty with rigidity and control, again very common for ASD kids and for kids from chaotic backgrounds. Everything in his little life has happened TO him - from drug-addicted mother to abandonment, to ASD, to you being his stepmom. He didn't choose any of it. What are his good qualities? How is this child beautiful? Look for those, and stop measuring his worth by how he makes YOU feel.

You have to lower your expectation of reciprocity. He doesn't owe you anything - he's just a kid trying to figure out which way is up. One day he will probably realize what you've done for him, but what child at 7 understands how much their parents sacrifice? You're holding him to an unrealistic standard, even if he didn't had ASD. You can help him do that if you stop expecting to get paid back. You do it because it's the right thing to do, because it will strengthen your bond with your husband, and because if you can figure this little boy out, you have a shot a really changing the course of his life. And the payoff WILL come, but it can't be a tit-for-tat expectation. Like I said before, this might be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but this is where being a grown-up really counts. Being a stepmom for me was even harder than parenting ASD children, but the payoff in my case has been HUGE.

I hope this helps. Again, I am not judging you because I understand how hard it is to be a stepparent. You get all of the work, sometimes twice as much as you have to be the one to try to fix what the parents screwed up, but you never get the same reward, because deep down all kids want their biological parents. But, it really can make you into such a better and more grounded person if you let it.

This is my nightmare scenario - that I would pass away and my husband would marry someone like you.

I am not a step parent, but thought I would offer my $0.02 to you.

I am not what is commonly considered "the maternal type". In fact, had I never had any kids of my own, I would probably have told you that I don't care too much for children. I don't hate kids or dislike them, but I don't especially care for them. I am probably best suited to be a favourite aunt - I would play and engage with your child for a few hours, but I really do want to return them to you at the end of the day. So, I do get where you state that you are not a "naturally warm" person towards children,

However, where I am concerned is that you state that you did not "carry this child in your belly" as a reason for why you don't feel any love or affection for him. Here is the thing - you don't *have* to have given birth to a child to love him or her. Adoptive parents take in a child who is genetically unrelated to them and raise that child as their own. So, a step-parent who steps into the shoe of the absent biological parent can (and many times does) fall in love with a child not their own. It just depends on your mindset / personality.

If you feel that you cannot love a child who is genetically not yours, then you have to understand that it goes both ways, namely that the child is also not to be expected to love you or treat you as a parent. If you want that right (being respected and being treated at par with the biological parent) then you must earn that right by treating the child exactly as you would treat one of your own. It seems to me that you are experiencing a serious case of expectations mismatch here, and it is sad because *you* are the adult in the situation. As the other party is a 7-yr-old, the onus is on *you* to find ways to resolve your negative feelings towards this child.

You are not expected to love this child, but you are certainly expected to do what is right by / for him. That includes not openly showing your resentment / dislike of him. Kids - including kids on the spectrum - can be surprisingly perceptive, so he may simply be reacting to your negative attitude towards him by being "difficult" with you. He is not going to "open up to you" as long as you openly admit to disliking him. I mean, would you open up to someone who obviously resents / hates you ?

If you don't take steps to "fix" this resentment now, it will seriously and significantly strain your relationship with not just your stepson, but also his father. You may think that you are successfully hiding your hatred for his son from him, but it is quite likely that your feelings are quite obvious to your husband, even if he hasn't said anything to you about it just yet. But if push comes to shove, I am willing to bet that his priority will be his own son. Do you seriously want him to choose between a spouse and a child, knowing who usually "wins" that "competition" ?

Finally, please keep in mind that you chose to marry the father, despite knowing that you were also signing up for the responsibility of parenting a "difficult" child, a child who has special needs and has already gone through significant trauma in his young life. You placed yourself in the life of a very vulnerable child and you must now do what is right by this child. Imagine if your own bio-daughter were in this position ? No mother in the picture and the new stepmother resents her ? Think of how you would want your husband's new wife to treat your daughter, and treat your stepson in that exact same way.

Good luck !

Edited for grammar.

Last edited by HisMom on 09 Sep 2014, 1:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.