My 9 year old daughter

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Hi, I've recently joined this forum for one main reason which is my 9 year old daughter. There have been on-going issues since she was 3. I will described what has been happening and also how it had escalated over the years. She has no diagnosis after seeing a psychotherapist last year however, something is underlying and I cannot put my finger on it. Also worried as I feel as though I cannot help her, no matter what I do she is struggling with everyday life.

My daughter's development as a baby/toddler was not delayed. She was in fact very advanced for her age. At the age of two I noticed she was extremely sensitive to sound, walking down the road and the noise of a car going past would cause her to become hysterical and in my arms, if a child would scream she would become hysterical holding her ears. Still to this day she struggles with loud sounds, she handles it alot better but you can tell by her face that she struggles. We recently went to a concert, the first time in a long time she held her ears for majority of the night, while looking back at photos you can see through her smile that she is distressed.

She has never liked being around alot of people at once, as a child growing up she was anxious and would have tantrums at family gatherings and in public. Recently I have noticed this has got worse, if there is too many people she will tell me she doesn't like it and wants to remove herself from the situation. At the age of 9 she had also cried and become really overwhelmed in public situations, on occasions mid meal in a restaurant.

I have always thought she has been great in school up until the last 2 years, she had 1 best friend which she has grown apart from in the last few months, she has since struggled socially. She made another friend but found it difficult when other peers in her class became close with that one friend. I have been called in quite a few times. The teacher seems to think she just needs a hand in expressing her emotions. Yet I see the state she is in once she comes home from school which is a massive issue right now.

The biggest issue we are dealing with is the anger, outbursts and irrational behaviour which occurs due to triggers. If she has a bad day she becomes violent, aggressive and has hurt herself a few times. She also pulls her hair. This can happen up to 3 times a week, resulting in her telling me she wants to die because nobody can help her. She feels like an outsider and I feel as though she has low self esteem. We have been to see a psychotherapist which has told me it is behavioural and she had anger issues. personally I feel as though the anger is caused through frustration due to incidents happening in school, public and her just not coping with every day life.

She's always been a fussy eater, doesn't like anything wet of texture. Sticks to the same foods. She is very active and has been playing football for 5 years. she plays football for three teams and is in her elements and happiest while playing. Her coach had picked up on her lack of social skills and communication within the team. She just finds its difficult to make friends.

She cannot tell the difference when someone is joking or whether they are serious. She takes everything litterally which I've grown to be very careful what I say around her. Her school work is fine and she makes eye contact. She rarely laughs anymore, very serious and always has been from a young child. Absolutely hates being tickled to the point where she will turn aggressive and physically punch out.

I've only come on here for advice, I have no idea where to turn to get help. She has had a really bad week and I'm desperate for help. I love her so much and it's awful to see her struggle with everyday life and I have no idea how to help other than to reassure her that I'm there for her. I personally feel as though she could possibly have high functioning autism, I just feel so deflated after going to see someone last year and them to put it down to anger issues. Where do I go from here?

sorry for the long post.

Find another psychologist. This one is simply wrong and will not help. Your daughter needs better self-understanding and to learn to care for her needs, not behavioral training.
Official diagnosis may help, they might misinterpret her less.
Where are you living? It would be great to find a local therapist with some knowledge of ASD in girls.

I see anxiety and sensory processing issues and some autistic traits. She might not be autistic but can still have some of the traits like taking things literal as you say. And I agree with finding another therapist.

Watch this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iy3jYIqRIJg

Autistic girls are on average more outgoing and make more eye contact than the boys, which a lot of mental health professionals are not aware of. Not saying she's autistic, but she should be subjected to a proper testing.

Does she have any special interests?

We are in Wales, UK. She was referred to CAMHS which assess children for many different things. One on one she is very calm and collected but very honest. She received Anger management but they didn't do much to find out why she is angry. I was very much involved in the whole process and they told me I need to discipline her more as that's the root of the anger. To be honest I felt as though my parenting was focused on more than my daughter.

I've recently been writing in a diary about each episode as they are getting worse over time. Im going to take it to the doctor this week once I book her in. They will probably refer her again.

She's fixated on football always has been, but she likes sports anything keeping active and she's pretty good at anything sporty. There could be a possibility that she isn't autistic and something else going on, but she definetly has traits and 100% anxious. But this has been on going for years and seems to be getting worse. I just wish I could help her but I need to know how first.

Thankyou for replying.

If you are trying to teach her to control her temper, you will get no results. Instead, consider her anger/outbursts as sovereign expressions of a fellow, equal-rights human being. I've talked plenty about this before, but no one seems to understand what I say. So I need to be more direct. It's not what you do when she is angry. It's what you do when she is happy. That's the key. And I'll bet: you do absolutely nothing when she is happy.

Large companies organize events known as off-sites or team building events. They usually involve having fun. I've been to events where employees go to Go-Kart racing. Visiting museums, Rock concerts, Video arcade games, etc. Usually plenty of food and drink. It's all fun, right? Yet, often, companies also take these opportunities to talk about the most difficult personnel issues, explain the why of some decisions. ask managers to align with the overall goal of the company.

Anger is a sovereign expression. It's perfectly legitimate for people to get angry, on new issues/settings. What we don't want to see is tantrums happenning again and again over the same issues or settings. When you see tantrums happening over the same issues/settings, there are three steps to follow:

(1) Collect evidence. A picture drawing (stick figure) of the situation would be great. If the child is verbal, some verbal keywords of the moment would do, too. But I would go the route of stick figure drawing first.

(2) At a different moment, go out and have fun with your daughter. Ice cream / frozen yogurt usually is good idea. With my son, I regularly take him out for elevator rides, so I always have regular happy moments with him. Flying kites, swimming, go to gymnastic centers, playgrounds, etc. Right after the fun events, or during the fun events, you can take a break, sit down, and talk to your daughter. Re-draw the stick figure of her mad moment. Talk about it. Compare to the current moment, and make her understand: sometimes life is tough, sometimes life is fun.

Bedtime is another good moment to talk about all these issues. See, frankly children don't even need to be verbal. If you just draw pictures of the mad and happy moments, they will understand you are addressing their issues. The idea is to connect their happy universe to their mad universe, and vice-versa.

(3) Next time, when she is about to get mad again, remind her about her happy moments and what you guys have talked about. No need to be lecturing. You simply need to remind her that "sometimes life is tough, sometimes life is fun." That's all.

I have ALWAYS been able to remove my children's tantrums that way. Once I address an issue, the same tantrum is gone, for good. It never comes back. Sure, there will always be new situations, but getting upset over new issues/situations is a legitimate right of all human beings. What I am talking about is to cut the loop, remove re-occurrence of tantrums over the same situations.

My children are always happy and smiling. Anyone that has met my children will tell you that. The only difference between myself and other parents is what we do differently when the children are happy.

See, 99% of parents that read my writing end up getting a totally wrong message. They make the mistake of believing that all they need to do is to remind children about happy moments when their children are mad. Nope, the crucial step is step number (2). The crucial step is to talk to your children about their mad moments, when they are happy. Unfortunately, parents, especially neurotypical parents, NEVER remember to do that step. I have seen parents telling me they will follow my method. So, in an indoor gym I saw these parents running around taking pictures of their children having fun. I scratched my head. Sigh..., it reminds me of Simon and Garfunkel's song "The Boxer," where there was this passage:

... Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest

Yeap, people are not really able to listen. They only hear what they want to hear. What can you do? No wonder they end up with violent children, and are stuck with their children's tantrums forever...

Here the link to an article that I have written on how to handle children's tantrums: http://www.eikonabridge.com/fun_and_facts.pdf

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I would suggest you to drop all your concerns on her social aspects, making friends, etc. She is not sick. She is not defective. She will make friends or be social at her own pace. There is NOTHING you should do about it. That's the problem with our society. We see autistic children not talking, not making eye contact, or not socializing, and we think they are defective and must to taught skills in these areas. Please, they are equal-rights fellow human beings. Drop your bias, and interact with them on equal footing. Our society is too blind and too arrogant. We think the neurotypical way is the only way to succeed in life.

Our society makes mistakes and is not able to learn. Sometimes it makes you wonder who are the really sick ones.

Our schools are the biggest threat to the development of autistic children. See, in the old time, before people had governments and schools, life was so much better for autistic children. With schools, somehow we developed the idea that all children must be raised exactly the same way. We force children to adopt the same behavior so that teachers can economize. Instead of making children's lives easier, we are making teachers' lives easier. Is that the purpose of education?

Instead of just talking to your daughter, you may want to write and draw pictures, for her and with her. See, your words are gone with the wind soon after they are uttered. But, if you make a comic book, or even better, if you make an animation video clip, those memories stay forever. Write a letter to your daughter about fun things in her life, and read together with her. I made a simple animation video clip of tacos raining from the sky, and dubbed in the singing of my children. Guess what? It's been two years. And in the last few days my son suddently started to say "cheese cheese cheese" and sing the "It's Raining Tacos" song again. Very good memories. Frankly, I raised my children with my hands, not with my mouth. What I do with them, we can always go back and re-visit. I feel pity for parents that raise their children with voice commands. They don't have anything persisting, they don't have ways to connect their children across the space-time continuum. They don't have ways to build up space-time wormhole tunnels to connect their children's good moments to bad moments. The islands of thoughts inside their children's brains are never connected. So, is it any wonder that they end up with violent children, many having to call police, and some even prefer to send their children to institutions? I mean, I look my hands, and their hands. I have tons of things that I have built/drawn/animated for my children. They have zero to show. Zero. Empty hands in parents mean empty brains in children. Don't people realize where the problem lies?

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PS- just saw your message regarding writing a diary. Could you instead of writing diary just sketch down a picture of her angry moments? You need something to show your daughter when she is happy. A diary would ruin your relationship with her in no time: you are not treating her as an equal-footing fellow human being. You are doing things behind her back. You are treating her as defective. "You get what you have asked for." You need something that you can use to talk to your daughter, face to face, from one human being to another. There is never a need for lecturing. All she needs to know is: "sometimes life is tough, sometimes life is fun." It's not about behavioral correction. It's about developing her brain and building connections inside her brain.

I completely agree with what you are saying however I havnt said I lecture her. I talk to her and always reassure her that feeling angry, sad etc is ok and everyone experiences it. However, I do have to tell her that being physically violent to me and my youngest daughter is not ok. It's impossible to talk to her while she is like that so I always talk to her once everything is calm and she is happy. I spend alot of time with both of my children, we stay by the beach most weekends and we have many happy moments. I don't look at her as if she is defective at all. The diary is something I would 100% not share with her and would never dream of doing so. It is purely to show the doctor a pattern of behaviour so that she can be referred to the appropriate help.

Her anger and sadness after something has upset her is an issue regardless of it being normal to feel that emotion. It's an issue because when she threatens to jump out of an upstairs window to kill herself because she's so frustrated after 4 days of hysteria, I have to lock them all and sit on the stairs for majority of the night to make sure she's in no harms way. These are not tantrums, this Is complete and utter frustration. Although I agree and respect your advice I do believe my parenting doesn't even come into the equation, my child is struggling and all I want to do is ensure she is happy and safe.

Actually doing sports is unusual on the spectrum, we tend to suck at it, especially team sports, but there are autistics who are good at sports. I know of one WP member who did well in team sports, and there are others who have done well in things such as surfing or ballet. How does the football fixation appear? Is it just that she plays a lot, or is there more?

As far as I understand, sensory issues can also appear with ADHD.

She just tends to play alot, religiously attends training and games. Plays football all day every day. The season is over now and she isn't playing at all with any teams. What I find is that when she's on the pitch she tends to release alot of frustration and seems alot more settled afterwards, unless it's a game and she can sometimes get slightly overwhelmed. She has excelled and plays for a performance centre which could lead onto regional football as she gets older. Her coach has concerns about her socially interacting with the team and her communication. Maybe I'm looking into this too much? I don't know.

Well, I dunno, it sounds very much to me like ASD. The sensitivities, the difficulties with social interaction, the strong interest in football (some of us do enjoy sports). I think you should seek another opinion.

And because it takes so long to get a diagnosis, you might as well educate yourself on it and start helping your daughter implement some management strategies. No harm in that, even if I'm wrong about the ASD. Things like letting her have a quiet place to go unwind, and encouraging her to express verbally when she needs that. Teaching her self-acceptance that she is a little different and that's OK. And developing ways to express any anger and frustration verbally or in writing, so that it doesn't come out as self-harm.

You sound like a great parent, as long as you keep caring and looking for answers she'll be OK.

I agree with Mrs. Peel. There are many strong reasons to suspect ASD, including the sensitivities and the literalness. I'm in my forties, and I have to remind my husband not to make jokes with me in the evening when I'm tired, because then I start taking everything literally.

Also, she's nine years old, so the fact that this is turning into a crisis suggests more going on than behavioral issues. Often, autistic girls are not identified until they're teenagers. From your post I understand she is already having conflicts with her team mates because she is not picking up on nonverbal communication? This might be coming to a head because she spends more time in social situations than a lot of other autistic kids, or because she is under a lot of stress in general.

I remembered the name of that autistic surfer, he's called Clay Marzo. Look him up - it might give some insights into how sporty autistics function.

Also, I think the advice you were given was wrong, even en the case that she doesn't have ASD, and I think your parenting instinct tells you the same. The severity of the anger suggests a child in pain, and you don't deal with that by becoming more strict, but by talking to the kid. Autistic kids tend to thrive in fairly strict environments because those are predictable. That doesn't mean we take well to being yelled at and punished - kids in general don't. However, your average neurotypical child deals better with rules changing, and is more motivated by receiving attention from adults.

I think a diary for the doctor is an excellent idea - I guess they are having trouble understanding the severity of her issues. Is she more calm when she is in the therapist's office? The video link I posted earlier - did you see anything of your daughter in those girls?

Edit: I wanted to add that psychotherapists are generally not trained to identify more than the most obvious cases of neurological issues. I went to see a therapist about my issues, and although I stated I thought I was autistic, she actually thought it was ADHD. Then I went to see a specialist for assessment, and he said ASD - not a whiff of ADHD. Autism is incredibly complex, and you want to make sure you are talking to someone who knows the topic well.

It does appear that your daughter is exhibiting many of the traits of Asperger's Syndrome, now referred to as High Functioning Autism.

If you get her noise canceling headphones that might help her with noise sensitivity. Even music headphones may help her.

I suspect that she is being bullied and ridiculed at school and her self esteem is being shattered.

I put my thoughts on Aspergers in the following book The Aspie Code

She clearly has some major sensory issues which should be addressed first thing. She sounds much like me as a child.

Try noise cancelling head phones or ear plugs, If you are willing to put fourth the money and probably travel this place makes a filter that works to slow the processing speed of one ear to the other, so the brain can work through the information without being overwhelmed.
http://www.ablekidsfoundation.org/centr ... solutions/

Do not tickle her, she is probably touch sensitive and so her system processes it more like you would being stabbed by needles. Because of her love for sports I suspect she is pressure seeking, so a good way to help her cope with the day would be morning exercise, and consider getting her a weighted blanket.

Keep track of her sensory issues, write triggers down as they happen so you can work with her to find solutions. A book I like you could read is: The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene.

Even if one physiatrist was not being helpful, she definitely sounds autistic. Press the system a little, your job is to be her advocate and as much as she sounds like me school is likely miserable for her. Even with it, expect school resistance, and often it ends up better to home school but I would try to keep the school legally responsible.

She could also have Oppositional defiant disorder along with autism which is a compulsive dislike and distrust of authority. It exists to help protect her, because the authority hasn't been right, and though it can develop into a personality or conduct disorder it can also become a source of strength and perseverance.

Her social difficulty should take a back seat until she feels safe and her SPD is rather managed.