Stepmom? Honest Advice Please

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For five years, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man who has a seven year old son. The child was diagnosed with autism and ADHD when he was about three and a half, and is currently scoring in the first percentile in all areas. His biological mother is not in the picture. I moved in with the two of them in November, and I am really struggling right now with stress and depression over my future.

I have met other moms at doctor's offices and therapy centers who say I am "such an amazing woman" for staying with my boyfriend and his son - they have no choice, they say, but I do. I wonder if what they really mean is that I am crazy.

I read statistics that 85% of marriages end in divorce when an autistic child enters the picture.

I read studies that show mothers have higher levels of stress, heart disease, and fatigue.

During spring break, I have discovered I don't have energy to clean the house or run my business because T. (the child) requires constant supervision to keep from hurting himself or damaging the house or injuring my dog. During the regular school time, things seem ok.

I lay awake at night worrying that any child his father and I might have in the future will also be on the autism spectrum. I wonder if NOT wanting to have a child with his father because of that makes me a bad person. Sometimes I think I wouldn't care if the child had 6 legs and two heads, I would still love it.

I wonder why after five years, all I feel for T. is a modest amount of affection and protection, but none of that maternal love I feel like I should be feeling.

I think about how my parents have told me time and time again that their children bring them more happiness than anything else as they age, and I get very very sad, thinking I may never have a conversation with T. or any child I might have with his father.

I think about T's autistic mom who bailed when he first started showing signs of a developmental disorder and only sees him once a year.

All of you love your children, I don't doubt that. But if you were me, would you walk away?

It is definetely a personal decision. Being a step-parent is not easy to begin with and then with the autism added on, it is difficult. My biological son who has Aspergers does not have a great relationship with my husband, even after my husband being in the picture for over 12 years. And I am a step-mom to his son from a prior marriage and we have a close bond with eachother but it took about 5 years to develop and he is Neurotypical.

I would hang in there. Focus on the positives and all the things that you love about being in a relationship. You could leave and then never find anyone else? You could make a huge impact on this child's life and ultimately end up being the one person in his life that made a difference.

i am also a step-mom to a boy about the same age on the spectrum. All I can say is that it's hard. at least you can go to school and have that time to yourself. when i got together with Dom's dad we didn't know he even existed. by the time he came into the picture he was already 2 and we had just had a son together. to answer your question directly i probably would have walked a different road if i'd known what i was getting into. i also don't have the same feelings for my step-son that i feel i should but i am his primary caregiver so i do what i do for him not because i'm drawn to do it like with my other children but because of a sense of duty and responsibility. in our case his father has also had a hard time getting that bond with him and has left everything on my shoulders so at this point it is too late for me to be able to walk away without feeling guilty. people also tell me how strong i am but i don't feel strong. i feel trapped. i will also say, for the people who sit there judging, i know that it's not the childs fault or choice that things turned out this way. my SS also hurts himself and others and needs constant supervision and it is incredibly stressful to be in this position. yes, i think it's a little crazy to voluntarily step into this position. when it comes to having other kids involved, i carry alot of guilt about that. my step-son can be very violent and he also has alot of active meltdowns. i do not like having my other children exposed to this. i hate that they see him hitting and breaking things and acting as he does because it not only stresses them out but it also sets a bad example for them and i'm sure seeing things like that is changing who they are inside. i feel guilty because i spend so much time focused on my step-son while the other children sit in the sidelines and aren't necessarily getting all the attention they deserve, and on top of that they miss out on alot of experiences i'd like to give them because it's not possible to do those things when it will be too much for SS to handle so we end up being stuck at home most of the time. i try to keep them busy with projects and other fun things but there is so much that we just can't do. the worst feeling is when i look at all the potential that my 4yo has and has had that we missed out on helping him with because my hands were full all the time dealing with step-son especially when my 4yo was a baby/toddler. he was not properly prepared for school and i never could work with him on things like learning letters or read to him because SS would always come over and steal the book away or start screaming and pulling on me because he hates books. anyways, i wish i had been warned before taking on the responsibility for him so that at least i would know that the choice was one i made for myself rather than something that was thrust upon me. i'm pretty sure i would be alot happier and things would be much easier if he wasn't here but he is now and there is no going back on it so i just have to let go of how i want things to be and deal with what i have instead. you are making a big commitement and you should really think hard about it. this is just my point of view and hopefully it can be accepted by all as just that.

No, I would not walk away, because as a person with AS, when I accept someone as part of my family, they remain part of my family unconditionally as if they were related to me by blood.

His mother walked away from him when he was 2? And so he likely has little, if any memory of her, but you have been with him ever since and he likely considers you his mother.

A child with AS or even AS and ADHD alone should not be in the bottom percentile. Either this little boy does not have AS or his needs are not being addressed properly, or both.

I had a friend when I was younger who had ADHD, but I also think he was bi-polar because his impulsiveness tended towards mania and his remorse, which would come soon after, churned up a lot of self hatred, and would even bring him to tears on occasion. When he was doing well, he always felt very proud of himself and I'm not sure his family gave him the recognition he needed for that.

I don't mean to paint you as the cause to an effect, I've dealt with "bad" children before who simply do not respect authority at all, and who are impulsive, but could it be that he detects your inability to connect with him and part of his behavior is due to hurt or depression, or resentment over this?

Here are some things I would suggest.

1. Have an indepth learning assessment done and try to get his specific learning needs met. Children with AS should just not be in the bottom percentile unless it was a matter of them refusing to cooperate on the LD testing. Even if they were not paying attention in class, there are still areas they should have no deficit in.

2. Children with ADHD have a lot of energy. They need to keep busy, not only to exhaust that energy but to distract them to prevent their brain from idling, because when they lose focus they become impulsive. He should be involved in some type of sport or activity with little idle time (not baseball, too much standing around). Try soccer, or track. Family outings are also important. 7 year olds are still very impressionable and can be taught things like consideration for others (and not to hurt the dog) and so on, but a lot of this learning comes from showing them kindness as an example. To illustrate this, my pre-school used to have a rabbit hutch and the rabbit in it had babies. The pre-school teacher would let us hold the rabbits. She'd very kindly take us over and say in a gentle voice "Come on, let's hold the baby bunnies. We have to be gentle so we don't hurt them ok? Put your hands out like this," and she would show us how to hold them.

He might need a lot of positive learning examples like that. A lot of times children with ADHD, in hind sight, know they have acted badly and feel bad for acting this way, but if there is not a sufficient amount of positive interactions in their life, they eventually give up and submit to the fact that they are bad, and stop trying because the world is against them at this point anyway.

Thank you for your reply. I have to say that your response has slightly alarmed me, and I'd like to address something very different from my original post.

I wasn't aware that he should be higher functioning if autism and ADHD are his only diagnosis. This concerns me. Let me clarify a few things. First of all, I don't THINK I am a cause of his behavior. I have only spent a significant amount of time with him since November. Before that, I only saw him once or twice a month because he spends his weekends with his grandparents and before I moved in with his father, I usually only saw his father on weekend dates. I believe his needs are being addressed. He goes to a closed classroom at a public school that we have been pleased with, and he gets 3 hours of hab therapy Monday through Thursday with a very sweet young lady. Every week he has horseback riding and gymnastics lessons. He also has music therapy and OT every Monday, and speech therapy at school.
On weekends he is not with his grandparents, we take him to my parents house to go swimming, or to fairs, festivals, playgrounds, or bouncehouses.

He was evaluated by a well-regarded center in our state that his father paid out of pocket for, and since then his evaluations have been the responsibility of a state appointed psychiatrist and his public school.

He is not a "bad" child - he is just very, very mischievous. He gets into everything, will eat anything, raw or cooked, animal, vegetable, or mineral, and tries to climb everything, including shelves, curtains, and window ledges. He is very affectionate toward most people, with lots of hugs, smiles, and kisses. I can't explain why he likes to kick animals. He seems to be trying to get a reaction from his father.

I guess I am asking for advice, completely separate from the whole "should I stay or should I go" issue. If we are doing something wrong, or could be doing more for him, I want to know.

Thank you for your reply. I have to say that your response has slightly alarmed me, and I'd like to address something very different from my original post.

I wasn't aware that he should be higher functioning if autism and ADHD are his only diagnosis. This concerns me. Let me clarify a few things. First of all, I don't THINK I am a cause of his behavior. I have only spent a significant amount of time with him since November. Before that, I only saw him once or twice a month because he spends his weekends with his grandparents and before I moved in with his father, I usually only saw his father on weekend dates. I believe his needs are being addressed. He goes to a closed classroom at a public school that we have been pleased with, and he gets 3 hours of hab therapy Monday through Thursday with a very sweet young lady. Every week he has horseback riding and gymnastics lessons. He also has music therapy and OT every Monday, and speech therapy at school.
On weekends he is not with his grandparents, we take him to my parents house to go swimming, or to fairs, festivals, playgrounds, or bouncehouses.

He was evaluated by a well-regarded center in our state that his father paid out of pocket for, and since then his evaluations have been the responsibility of a state appointed psychiatrist and his public school.

He is not a "bad" child - he is just very, very mischievous. He gets into everything, will eat anything, raw or cooked, animal, vegetable, or mineral, and tries to climb everything, including shelves, curtains, and window ledges. He is very affectionate toward most people, with lots of hugs, smiles, and kisses. I can't explain why he likes to kick animals. He seems to be trying to get a reaction from his father.

I guess I am asking for advice, completely separate from the whole "should I stay or should I go" issue. If we are doing something wrong, or could be doing more for him, I want to know.

Real life gets a kick out of sending us all for a loop, doesn't it?

I recommend changing the question.

Do you love his dad? Do you feel some sense of reward in being part of providing this child a better home life? Do you feel that you do help provide him a better home life?

There are no paths in life that aren't covered with stones. They just change size, shape, location and frequency. If you are in a postive relationship with this man and his son then, overall, there is no reason to abandon the road because there are some rocks on it. Face it, switch roads and you might find the rocks to be much worse. Or better. Can't know ... but if you are, overall, happy - then why question it?

I read nothing in your post to sound doom and gloom. You have some normal fears and concerns but there are no situations in which you won't have fears and concerns. They just change color and shape.

I have two kids and love them to death but even I can't deal with having them 24/7 during a school break, and they can't deal with me. So ... we don't. We plan day camps or vacations or visits to grandma. I get busy in March figuring out the summer, because too much down time does us all in.

What you need is a plan for how you are going to make sure your needs get met in this situation. It is OK to plan in some things that are just for YOU. In fact, you NEED to. Every mom does; don't let yourself get caught up in this idealized vision of what kind of mother this child should have because I can guanrantee she does not exist. If you spend your life trying to be her, you'll be miserable.

As for your own future child ... the fear is valid, but you can't live by fear. I spent my entire second pregnancy absolutely convinced the baby would never make it to term. I have no idea where the fear came from, but I knew I had to shove it away. No one knows what they are going to get when they enter parenthood, NO ONE. I lost a huge hunk of my hearing due to a rare side effect; could I ever have predicted that one? Hardly. Still, if you feel your life is complete and full enough without that addition to the family, then you aren't required to add it. Just ... is your life complete and full enough to meet your needs? You do need to work on that a bit right now, getting a better balance for yourself, but I do believe you can acheive it ... if you love your man enough to want to.

I was typing the post above while you were writing this.

I think you should know that in my experience autistic kids rarely are mischievous or trying to get a reaction. They are much more likely to simply be extremely curious and impulsive. Knowing that, you learn to create paths of least resistance. Give him things to climb and crawl (some AS families have whole sensory rooms) and lock away things that are not safe for him to eat or touch. Same as you would for an infant. Assume there is a need he is looking to meet, and figure out how to fill it.

I'm super new to this, but he sure seems like he wants a reaction. After he hits a dog or a person, or pantomimes hitting them from a distance, he looks at me or his father. If we say "Don't do that!" he seems okay. But he will do it again the next time he sees a dog or does not get what he wants. If we DON'T say anything, he will start screaming "NO HITTING! NO HITTING!" and try to get us to say that by physically manipulating our jaws and lips with his hands.

He is really big into echolalia (sp?) right now, and he wants people to repeat what he says, as well. Meltdown if it isn't repeated. At this point, I am trying to avoid repeating what he says and take the punishment he dishes out, hoping that eventually he will realize that hitting and screaming won't get a reaction. Is this the wrong way to deal?

I'm super new to this, but he sure seems like he wants a reaction. After he hits a dog or a person, or pantomimes hitting them from a distance, he looks at me or his father. If we say "Don't do that!" he seems okay. But he will do it again the next time he sees a dog or does not get what he wants. If we DON'T say anything, he will start screaming "NO HITTING! NO HITTING!" and try to get us to say that by physically manipulating our jaws and lips with his hands.

He is really big into echolalia (sp?) right now, and he wants people to repeat what he says, as well. Meltdown if it isn't repeated. At this point, I am trying to avoid repeating what he says and take the punishment he dishes out, hoping that eventually he will realize that hitting and screaming won't get a reaction. Is this the wrong way to deal?

hang on, dont get alarmed, there is really nothing to say that he should be higher functioning than he currently is.

i think there was something crossed there between posts. chronos was referring specifically to AS, which is Asperger's Syndrome, and is generally a higher functioning form of autism. your original post only said "autism", and did not specify the specific form. autism is a generic term for a group of pervasive developmental disorders (aka pdd), of which AS is one. the term autism is probably most often used to describe Autistic Disorder (aka classic or Kanner's autism), another pdd, which is the original and often more severe form of autism. from all the therapies and special class your BF's son is in, sounds to me as if he likely has Autistic Disorder and not AS. if that is the case, then there is no assumption of what level he should be functioning at, since AD includes the entire range of possibilities, from those very high functioning to those very low functioning.

for future reference, do you know what his specific diagnosis is? and if he has any other co-morbids besides adhd?

i dont know this child, but i would hazard a guess that he is not truly mischievous, as DW already described. autistics often have sensory dysfunctions, which means they are often trying to get sensory input in a variety of ways that are unusual, weird, or just plain dangerous. combine that with the common issue of not understanding dangers, and you can have an autistic child getting into things or places that are simply not good for them.

OH, and that 85% divorce rate is absolute bunk. there was a myth spread around for a long time that autism resulted in divorce rates around 80%, which is much higher than usual. the organizations spouting that number couldnt actually back it up with real information.

a study done last year looked at over 77k children, determining if they lived in a traditional household with two biological or adoptive parents, or in a non-traditional household that included a stepparent, single parent, or other structure. they found that the percentage of autistic children in a traditional household was 64%, and non-autistic children in a traditional household was 65%, not a significant difference. the severity of autism also didnt change the numbers any.

Is it possible that this is an ADHD trait? My son does this.. though in different ways. When he was younger, he seemed to need an almost constant verbal connection. (Hmmmm, now that I think about it, maybe anxiety related... it seemed to diminish with the anxiety medications...) What I have come to wonder is ... due to his lack of proficiency initiating and maintaining a conversation, did he resort to acting out as a sure-fire way to quickly and reliably initiate that verbal connection he needed?



I really don't know much about echolalia... I thought it was repeating what others say.. but regardless, if he's melting down because you're not repeating, then it's stressing him out.. and my experience is that he won't learn the lesson as you're hoping. Still different, my son would repeat, "I love you mom" over and over.. and I feel horrible to say, IT DROVE ME FREAKING NUTS!... But I tried to change it into a game.. "Oh? I love you more!" "I love you mostest!" "Awwww, I love you too. You're my favorite turd, I'd never flush you.." This turned it into laughing and seeing who could love the other more. And in the end, I think fullfilled that need for verbal contact. If you try turning it into a game somehow, if he doesn't like it... then abandon that line of action and try something else.


Definitely not ok. My son used to do things like that as well, and it took a long time, but after stating and restating, "This is my face. I don't like that." He finally got it.

As for the bonding... Don't beat yourself up. You've had very limited contact until 5 months ago.. and that 5 months has been a stressful transition for both of you. Just give it time.

Ohhhh almost forgot... One other thing you might consider trying... I know our boys have different issues.. But my son takes "roles' very seriously.. Have you considered seeing what would happen if you gave him the role of "Dog Protector"? Explaining that it's very important to make sure that the dog has food and water and gets exercise, (as well as not being abused) etc... And seeing if he would like that "job"? Again, this may not work.. but I've had great success with this sort of tactic.

sounds like the little guy is doing pretty good if he's able to attend all that stuff. i can't take my step-son to any kind of sports things or festivals. he can't handle the hustle and bustle of all the people and the noises. he can't swim cause water hurts him. your SO seems to be on top of his care too, which is great.
my step-son also scored incredibly low on the tests they did on him. i don't think those tests are all that great at predicting how things will go. they rated him as 2 years equivalent on a lot of things i know he is beyond that on. sometimes the tests can be off because it's hard for the kids to focus when they are in a new environment with people they don't know that well, plus some things might not interest them so they don't put the effort in and it effects their scoring.
my step-son also takes his jobs very seriously. he has issues with things that aren't 'right' so at school when he's having a hard time he has the job of 'cheif safety inspector'. he goes around with his EA through the school and points out all the things that need repair, like burnt out lightbulbs and empty toilet paper dispensers and then they go find the caretaker and tell him what needs fixing. i think giving him the job of dog-protector might just do the trick to get him to treat the dog better.

My son would have a hard time concentrating because a closet door wasn't closed properly or there was a pencil on the floor... or something like that out of place. Even if the teacher said, "It's ok, don't worry about it." Ben couldn't... "But it doesn't belong there/like that." So they devised a system that allowed him special times where he could go around and "make it right".

My apologies,I misread. I thought you were speaking of Asperger's Syndrome, not autism, for some reason. With autism you can have various cognitive functioning levels, but with Asperger's Syndrome, the individual must be of at least average intelligence to qualify for the diagnosis. So if he is diagnosed with autism as opposed to Asperger's Syndrome, he may very well have low performance scores which are representative of his actual abilities.





Some autistic children put everything in their mouths, much like infants do, and it's considered a form of "stimming". A child who eats non-food items may also be regarded as having pica, which can be caused by a nutritional deficit.