When will she be interested in me?

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Hello All -

I'm feeling a bit down and just need some feedback/life experience from other parents. I have posted about my daughter on here once or twice before. She just turned two less than a month ago. She does not have a formal diagnosis of ASD but she will likely be evaluated later this year. I'm not completely sure she will meet diagnostic criteria. We have been concerned about her since around her first birthday due mainly to social withdrawal. She generally does not display many classic ASD symptoms, she has no apparent sensory sensitivities, no behavioral rigidity, very minimal repetitive behaviors (she will hand flap for 1-2 seconds when excited), and a fairly wide range of interests (she does have intense interest in letters, numbers, shapes, and colors, but also likes to play with blocks, swing, roll a ball, etc.) What she does continue to have is pretty extreme social withdrawal. She talks now, but she does not really talk TO anyone. She will repeat what you say, name objects, sing the alphabet, etc but she makes no attempts at conversation. Playing with her is similar. If you initiate a game, like rolling a ball or playing chase, she will play back reasonably well, but she literally never initiates play. I think she would happily go a full day without interacting with me if I let her. We recently went on a 4 hour road trip and she played with alphabet and number toys the entire time without making a fuss, which on one hand is incredibly easy, but I know it isn't normal.

I am stressing about feeling like I don't have much of a relationship with her. I should add a disclaimer that I am her father and work full time, so I only get to see her a couple of hours a day except on weekends. She also has an NT big brother who is pretty high energy and needy, so even when I am home my attention is divided between a child who desperately wants my attention and a child who acts indifferent to it. She does have more apparent attachment to her mother, who stays at home all day with her. I am trying not to extrapolate too much from the behavior of a 2 year old, but I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel like I really have a relationship with her. She will sit in my lap while I read to her or look at me while I sing to her, but I don't know that she sees me any differently than she sees, for example, the television. It seems like I am a source of entertainment to her rather than a person. I will go on "walks" with her most nights where she just walks 2-4 blocks and I walk behind her to make sure she is safe. She doesn't really look at me or acknowledge my existence during these times, or any other times for the most part. I know that no one can actually predict my daugher's social development, but I am just wondering, for those who had children with similar presentations, when did you notice these behaviors starting to change and began to have more meaningful social engagement?

Thanks!

I think you have more of a relationship with her than you realize. While it may not be interactive, she knows you are there. Not needing interaction isn't the same as not needing you. Everyone needs to have people in their lives that they know care about them.

There are a few other things besides the ASD that may be making it difficult to feel close. First, her age. It is common to be much closer to the parent who is home more. Second, her gender. I have a son and a daughter, too, and the truth is that 2 year old girls aren't nearly as fun to play with as 2 year old boys, and I say that as a girl. The boys have the cool toys that easily involve another person. IMHO, anyway.

Parallel play can be very helpful with ASD children. Do what she is doing sitting separate from but close to her. It will show her you are interested in what she is interested in. You still may not get much interaction, but will deepen the bond for both of you.

Thanks. I know some of it is "normal" regardless of diagnosis. My NT son went through a very prominent anti-daddy phase around this age too.

I really don't care if it is "fun" play, I just want to make sure she knows I am a person who loves her. The only things she really lets us do together are read books, and even though she does listen and repeat she does the same thing with the television so it is hard to know if that's really meaningful for her. It's hard to explain but something it really seems like she views me as an object, like I'm not really any different than the TV or a phone.

She really doesn't sound too "different" from many kids her age.

Many two-year-old children don't exactly "like" their parents. They might like Mommy more than they like Daddy. It's just the nature of the age. They tend to be negativistic. They want their own way. They are not usually delighted with things. They don't go out of their way to bond with anybody. They're very selfish at that age.

I wouldn't be surprised if the situation was much different by the time she turns 3.

Have you taken her in for an assessment?

Not yet, we did have her assessed by her local community outreach team at 16 months because she wasn't walking or talking at all and only eating puree and bottles, but that's more of a screener than a full assessment. She was set up with physical therapy for walking, OT for eating, and play therapy for social skills. She graduated physical therapy and OT pretty quickly and is now typical in terms of gross and fine motor skills and eating habits. She still does play therapy 2 hours a week with her team and we work in a lot more, especially given that my wife is a SAHM.

I am actually friends with the psychologist in our area who does the majority of ASD assessments and I have been consulting with her throughout the last few months. She recommended waiting until at least age 2 because her possible ASD symptoms were relatively mild and she said a diagnosis before age 2 would be very difficult and likely inconclusive due to lack of more pronounced symptoms like sensory sensitivities, motor stereotypies, and behavioral rigidity. She just turned 2 so we are still trying to decide how we want to proceed. I am a mental health professional so I am fairly familiar with ASD, and she is just such an odd case I can't even imagine how the diagnostic process would go. From a strict DSM-V standpoint, I don't think she meets criteria, but there is clearly something very different about her.

The diagnosis that seems to fit her best, from my perspective, is social communication disorder, but my understanding is that is not typically diagnosed until at least age 4-5. The diagnostic criteria don't seem like they could be assessed in a 2 year old. For example, I have no clue if she understands idioms.

You know (probably better than I) that an assessment would be the proper course to take. This would get the ball rolling even further than it has been when it comes to "early intervention."

Who knows---maybe you have a genius on your hands!

She has some "odd" symptoms----but she also has typical "2-year-old" type symptoms.

By the way: I didn't speak at all until age 5 1/2. I have some subtle sequelae which indicates that I'm autistic--but it's not really apparent at first glance----only after knowing me a bit.

I feel like there is about a 95% chance that her assessment would be inconclusive. She doesn't really have any of the behavioral ASD symptoms except some very minor hand flapping (only when excited, and only for like 1-2 seconds). If someone told me she did meet criteria for ASD, I would honestly be pretty skeptical at this point. I know that the assessment process is still very subjective and can vary widely from one provider to the next, as do diagnoses or lack thereof in cases where symptoms are not exceedingly obvious.

In some domains, she is incredibly high functioning. She has been able to recite the entire alphabet, count to 20, and correctly identify most shapes and colors since around 20 months old. She can do simple puzzles, put letters and numbers in order correctly, and even sort of spell with some assistance. In other domains, such as receptive language, she is way behind. She almost never responds to any verbal requests. About 1/10 times she might bring her shoes to me if I ask her to, that's about it.

She does talk - quite a bit in fact! It is simply not conversational. She can correctly identify 100+ items on flash cards that we do, and sing songs up to 4 or 5 verses long. She just doesn't talk "to" anyone, if that makes sense. With one exception - she will ask for a cracker sometimes (by just saying "cracker"). But usually she just brings you the container nonverbally to communicate this.

Here she is cracking up watching her brother play a video game. This is a good example of how she is. This picture might look "normal" but she is not engaged with him. Him being there is basically irrelevant to her.

As an aside, my very social niece went through a phase when she was 9 months old to 2 where she wanted anyone but mommy and between 5 to 8 where she wants mommy constantly and doesn't want much to do with daddy.

I think she’s a very pretty and delightful little girl, and probably would fit very well on the “high-functioning” end of the Spectrum—if at all.

If I were her dad, I would want her to engage with people, too. And be more “normal” in general.

I sense that she might be a really special (in a good way) person, and will show it more as she gets older.

I would do a personal reassessment when she’s 3. See where she is, then.

I freaking love her, I can't even explain it. I am so grateful, overall, for who she is and how she is. It's OK if she isn't "normal." I and most members of my family tend pretty strongly towards major introversion to a degree. For example, my dad's dream vacation (which he takes annually) is to spend a week or two in the woods by himself, and he specifically told me his chose his career in part because it involved minimal social interaction. She can be whoever she needs to be and it's fine by me.

I just get really stressed out and a little depressed when I think that she might not feel as bonded to me as I do to her, but you are all helping to put that into perspective.