Parenting Advice: 18 year old female Aspie, identifies trans

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Hello all,

I'm honestly not sure what to do to help my child. My Aspie, "M" was born female and is currently 18 years old. M was diagnosed with having Asperger's during 2nd grade. From 2nd grade M always had an IEP plan. M is incredibly talented with artistry and in certain areas scored very highly. However, M does have a learning disability when consideration is made in the area of mathematics. In high school, M decided (s)he wanted to go to an art institute. It was around this time that we were informed that she was transgender and identified as male. M hates having a period or really any biological waste.... she never touched her younger brother in relation to diaper changes, can't help with dishes because it's gross... Ideally, M would like to be completely asexual. In fact, if it were possible to have no sexual organs, that would be preferred.

Well... M had been living with her father in a city over an hour away. Her father got remarried and let's just say that things quickly fell apart with the step-mom. M was basically kicked out. M had a boyfriend (another biological girl, transgender as a guy, starting treatments for transition) and M moved in with him. However, their relationship was an asexual relationship. The other element is that M does not have a driver's license. Has severe social anxiety, etc. So... M had a job, for a few months, but that didn't work out. M wasn't able to find a job and the boyfriend, after 2 months, pretty much kicked M out because M wasn't independent enough or working hard enough to gain independence.

In a roundy-bout way, here comes where I'm looking for advice. M is living with me now and I have her seeing a psychologist once to twice a week. I'm slating up a schedule to see a psychiatrist as well. I have tried to encourage college courses, but that's a no go. I am taking M to see vocational rehab... but... what do I do here. I don't know whether to try and reinforce trying to get a job or trying to find a place or just let her hide in her room upstairs at my house. She says she has no more friends anymore. I don't know what area to look at first to help!

Obviously, there is oooo, about 13 years worth of history here and over the years I've done so many different things to help. It's just now... at adulthood, I find myself completely lost of what to do to best help for the future.

If your daughter wants to identify as male, you should give the freedom to do so. I also identify as trans and with a mum like mine it can be quite trying the things I have to go through because she thinks that I should "grow up and be feminine." The difference with me is that I've kept that and my preference for Germany over Britain for so long that I insist on wearing things that look like German helmets on days that I know I'm not going to see my parents. I even wore my real helmet for roughly a year. It was my way of saying F--- gender. Your daughter would hopefully never want to use that as a marker of maleness. There's no better time to accept that she's trans than now. You could also ask open ended questions in order to have more of an understanding. Something I wish that my mum would do.

OK this might sound a bit odd but the biggest difference between what I was capable of at that age and what my

parents expected was time. M seems to have been going through a lot and has a lot to work through and is unlikely

not to be having trouble processing all of it. The priority should be the anxiety because that is our BIG problem

(OCD, incontinence, depression, to name only a few) so tell M to have a think about M's future and that you'll

support what ever M wants and leave it at that. I don't mean for a few weeks, I mean potentially for years; we are

not fast movers. As to letting M hide in M's room, I would let this go on for a couple of months. If M continues

invite M to do things with you that won't increase M's anxiety, and allow M to get the hang of adulthood (it is

confusing and difficult) giving the support now will save heart ache latter.