Parent of 22y/o who may be HFA , do I tell him?

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Some background, when my wife was pregnant with my son they suspected that he may Autistic based on some test they normally do on pregnant women, but was later ruled out. Fast forward 22 years later and my son has had many of the classic traits of a HFA and now he is at a point where he is depressed, has anxiety and struggles with social interactions and communication and he know these are hurting his chances for getting a job and being on his own. He just started therapy for his depression and anxiety but I think if he found out he is Autistic in any form, he would think any chance of being "normal" is over. He is very, very intelligent and is really caring and empathetic. It has been a tough 22 years though because I admit that I've been a tough father trying to teach my son introduce himself properly, communicate with me and hist mother (my wife) because he doesn't talk too much to us unless we engage him. Even though he hasn't been officially tested because I am afraid to even suggestion this, but from reading the traits everything seems to make sense now. I wonder how it would handle this if I suggested that he read about the traits? I'd appreciate any advice.

Thanks

No such test exists.

There is no harm in suggesting a 22yo to read about the traits and form his own opinion. Then he has all his right to refuse.
As he's in therapy, prepare to re-evaluate your past to embrace his point of view.

Why not ask him to join this forum? See, my 11-year-old daughter reads with me the messages on this forum, and actually has even written a short message here in one of my postings. Make it into a family event.

There are three routes to go about autism. Each one leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
(1) The medical view: autism is a mental disorder.
(2) The disability view: autism is not a mental disorder, but can cause disability.
(3) The "meh" view: autism is not disease/disorder/disability/defect/detriment, but simply a difference.

If you or your son choose the adopt route #1 or route #2, then good luck.

If you or your son decide to adopt route #3, then my suggestion is for him to carry either a smartwatch or a digital voice recorder. Then read this: http://www.eikonabridge.com/anxiety.pdf. Read also some recent threads in this forum.

I would not "tell him" but rather suggest a possibility to consider.

The Asperger child has early deficits due to his internal mental processing building developmental mental structures according to childish interests. These deficits can be reduced and even advantage gained starting in the mid teens the skills to apply internal mental reconstruction can be directed from a view of more mature criteria.

For example, a young girl may deal with the anxieties of social situations by retreating into fantasy books. She may only begin to experiment with social interaction when older after she has learned to increase her tolerance for anxiety.

If your son is going to attempt to develop better management and coping skills, he is going to need a frame of reference to work within. If he sees that he may have developed a certain way of dealing with things in childhood that could be impeding him now, he may be open to experimenting with making changes that could make things easier for him

Here is a booklet that may help http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... e_2017.pdf

For some people getting keyed into ASD being a possibility explains everything and is a huge relief. For others, it upsets their view of themselves and creates a mess. I don't think you can be positive which your son is until you've broached the subject. Because the later cannot be ruled out, step carefully and give him the opportunity to choose it for himself.

The message you should give, as he starts the process of sorting himself out, is that getting answers is a beginning, not an end. When you find out why certain things are challenging for you, you also learn what your strengths are, and the key to moving onto a successful adult life will be to build it around the strengths. Challenges can be worked around, once you realize what they are and why you have them.

My son has known about his ASD since he was 7. He is also severely disgraphic. His answer for mitigating his challenges is choosing a field that values his logic centered mind: computer science. He is graduating in June with a computer science degree. So far, he's gotten every job he's ever applied for, although he has yet to attempt to enter his field. Still, it's definitely a confidence builder knowing how eager certain organizations have been to hire him. He is good at what he knows, and he projects enthusiasm for his subject. He has successfully taught at scout camps, and ID Tech. He loves teaching, and has actually adapted well enough to LISTEN to his students, and figure out how they uniquely learn best. That wasn't natural to him, but his desire to impart his knowledge successfully overcame his interior barriers and he learned. This summer he got heavily recruited to go back to scout camp and, well, he loved scouting so much it was hard to say no to, even though he really should be out looking for his career job. I was there when he got recruited and I have to say, they REALLY wanted him. A few months delay in looking for a career job will be fine. I'm not worried. He knows his field and he is GOOD at it. Point being, your son is SMART; that means he can LEARN to take advantage of his strengths while minimizing his weaknesses, just like my son has. Does it happen for everyone? No. For some the challenges run too deep. But you are YEARS from reaching such a conclusion about your son, and the odds today are better than they have ever been. If your son can turn the stubbornness that often comes with ASD into overcoming his challenges, there should not be any reason he won't join the ranks of success stories.

THANK YOU!! Your story was very encouraging!! ! It makes a lot of sense too!!

I appreciate everyone's input so far, thank you all!!

Sure, in the 1930s it was no big deal to talk about "darkies" picking cotton and "That’s Why Darkies Were Born.” Instead of being an exception, that was the rule.

Sure, nowadays, it is no big deal to talk about autism as a detriment, or as a disability. Instead of being an exception, that is the rule.

The question is, will your comments stand the test of time? Or be swept into the dustbin of history, some time from now?

https://wfpl.org/these-autistic-friends-want-acceptance-rather-than-an-awareness-campaign/
http://ksusentinel.com/2019/04/15/opinion-autism-awareness-should-be-autism-acceptance/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/awareness-isnt-enough-we-need-autism-acceptance-month/

Notice that I have been saying, for almost a decade now: autistic children are perfectly fine the way they are. I have never changed from that position. I have never tried to *change* who they are. What I do is *development,* not *change.* It's a mindset. I don't talk about *weaknesses,* *stubbornness,* *challenges,* *to overcome internal barriers.* Sorry, not part of my vocabulary ... not part of my mindset. People have to understand there is whole different perspective, a completely different mindset. People have to realize that some ways of thinking won't stand the test of time, even when today it may appear mainstream and natural. Once upon a time, people also believed that the earth was flat, or that the sun went around the earth.

By the way, my daughter just came by and sat next to me, and read this whole message. In a way, the future belongs to her generation. They will be the judge.

My job was to raise my son the best way I could figure out so that he would be a happy and successful adult. He would tell you that I've done that. He would tell you that he would not be nearly as happy in his life if no one had ever taught him how to adjust and adapt. In fact, the only things he gets frustrated about are the areas we did NOT teach him how to adjust and adapt in. You may not like my wording, but I don't write to please you; I write to help other parents figure out how to help their own children. If we raise happy and successful children using terminology that annoys you, I really couldn't give a !@#!@&^$*(!@$^ because it was never my job to make you, or the ASD community at large, happy with my choices of words (although you seem to be the only member here I annoy). It was my job to give my unique child the best chance in life I knew how, and he thinks I did a great job. He is self-confident, happy, successful, and PROUD of his ASD. You've never met him, but exactly how do you think changing my approach for yours could have been better?

You know, even when I argue with you because of your arrogance and inappropriately negative judgement, I respect the fact that you have valuable input. Will you EVER give me the same courtesy? Your way is not and never will be the only way, and your arrogance is the biggest barrier to getting the good parts of your message through. I wish you could learn to stop insulting everyone who dares to believe they have valuable input that doesn't read word for word exactly like yours.

I was raising my son back when most people still thought chelation was worth trying. Instead of going along, I found Aspies for Freedom and, later, this place, and learned to get inside my son's head. I spent years as a moderator here when this parenting forum was a rare, vibrant and busy refuge from the bad advice pervading the rest of the internet. I am proud that so many of our protocols and ideas have become more pervasive. Whatever ground there is still to cover, I think we deserve a lot of credit, and not censor, for how far we've already gotten.

ASD comes with challenges. I don't think it is wrong to acknowledge that. I don't think it is insulting. Saying someone has a challenge is NOT the same as saying something is "wrong" with them; it is acknowledging the reality they face in their lives every single day. Doing so is NOTHING like racism. Racism makes inaccurate assumptions based on an outward characteristic that has nothing to do with what someone is like. Given that a person has to display certain traits to get an ASD diagnosis, how can acknowledging that ASD can come with challenges be anywhere close to what you are choosing to imply? Please do not teach your daughter to think so little of other people who want only to see her thrive.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 23 Apr 2019, 7:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Glad it could resonate. I do wish you all the best. A lot of different ideas get shared here and all can be valuable in different ways. You just have to find the ones that work for your unique family. Don't be afraid to try different ones; let your instincts guide you.

My apologies, also, that your thread ending up hosting a little spat. Eikonabridge and I rub each other the wrong way. Don't let it keep you from appreciating some of his insights.

Hi D-W

Haven't communicated with you for a few years.

I think you may need to give Eikenobridge some leeway. He's a regular contributor on the "speech delay" sticky thread and I think he's like a few of us dads who want to share our experiences and (I've been guilty of this) and projects their experiences (with their children) over other people's experiences as if his perspective matters more. But I think deep down he means well.

I have taken a break from WP and particularly the parent page because I get depressed reading other people's struggles and partially to avoid transference.

Anyway I'll stop here as this thread should focus on the OP's dilemma.

Not sure if you are still reading this forum but for what it's worth you raise an interesting dilemma for your son.

There is a trade-off (as with everything in life). Your son is an intelligent boy and it's possible that understanding his behavior/traits might be linked to autism could give him peace of mind. But if he is in a "fragile place" it might be too soon to share this him.

I am wondering if it's possible to design behaviorial therapy for your son that doesn't require psychoeducation on autism? perhaps package his traits as "compulsive" rather than autistic if you are worried about what the stigma might do to him?

My beautiful daughter is 13 going on 14 this year and she doesn't accept her moderately functioning autism or the label of disability and so we work with her without the need to mention these things to her. Anyway just a thought.