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My son has a friend who is clearly (to me) a child with Asperger's. He reminds me so much of myself at the age of 10, only more extreme in that he eats only about 4 food items, cannot pronounce the letter 'r', and is so easily frightened by new places and activities. My son likes him because they have chess, fantasy novels, and classes in common. And, he is a nice kid. These days though, my son is distancing himself from his friend. He says the little guy is too immature and gullible.

From several of the posts I have read here since I joined yesterday mentioned the importance of early diagnosis and support from the school. I really do not think that this little boy's parents' are aware that their child may be on the spectrum. The mother refers to him as her little late-bloomer. Our families are close enough that it probably would have been mentioned if he were going to a counselor, speech therapist etc.

I am nosy enough to draw my own conclusions about this child's conditions, but not enough to present my theory to the parents. I do feel bad for him, when I see him sitting on the bench at school watching the other children play. I can empathize.
Tell me, what would you do in this scenario?

Are you friends with the parents? Do the parents seem like the type to take grudges with you out on your(/their) kid? Do they seem like the type to get mad at all about it?

Wow, sounds exactly like me haha. I was, and still am a very picky eatter. Lots of kids are picky eatters though, even ones not on the spectrum, so not sure how that relates. I remember going to a special class during my elementry yrs to learn how to pronounce my "R's" Well I did learn, I still have trouble with them sometimes I had delayed speech problems, but that was more related to the fact I've had very poor hearing my whole life. I was, and still am, nervous about new places and activites. Once I get started I enjoy them and relax, but I have the inital fear.

What other aspergers qualitys do you see in him? You could try just gently bringing up the subject of aspergers to his parents, get a feel for their knowlage/feelings of it. Do you have aspergers? if so, you could tell them how he reminds you of yourself, and what helps/helped you. Ease any worrys they might have about it, if any. You could suggest websites or books for them to check into. Let them know you dont mean to pry or be nosy, and only mean the best for the kid.

it is very difficult for any parent to hear that there is something different or possibly wrong with their child. I know I was in denial for a long time with my son. if you do choose to say something be very delicate and be prepared for rejection. in the mean time try to keep your child in the relationship on a 1:1 basis, even if this child can't be included in the group of your kid's friends. it will teach your child kindness and will mean the world to this other child and his parents. aspie kids can be some of the nicest kids you will ever meet.

Thank you for your replies. Yes, I am a person with Aspergers which is part of the reason I am tip toeing on this issue. I feel that my communication skills might not be up to the task of introducing the unpleasant topic: I Think Your Child Has A Syndrome.

I have known the parents for years through our kids' friendship. We have celebrated some holidays together and gone on weekend trips. I feel the need to be cautious anyhow, since they tend to be hot tempered. If I knew I was acting out of concern, compassion, and knowledge, I would not be deterred by upset parents. But my usual modus for taking on a new endeavor is to make a plan, and to do that I try to become more knowledgable. I am open to any more suggestions you may have.

To say a little more about this little guy J-- he is so bright and kind but you can see the hurt and bewilderment settling in. He runs strangely and kids make fun of him. He is sensitive to pain and doesn't like to over exert himself--so athletics are out. If a kid teases him and tells him he has a bee on his back, nothing will convince him otherwise. If he breaks a school rule like running in the hall, he is devastated and awaits doom. The one night he spent the night with us was horrible to him. If you ask him a question that generally requires making a descision on the spot, he freezes, staring into space. He takes metaphors and puns at face value. I am sure that all of this sounds familiar!

Hi, it's pink again.
You are right, he sounds much like my son when he was little. My son is now 18, still not athletic. But he is in college. He benefited from medications and seeing a child psychiatrist. He still is very much an aspie, but he is making his way in the world. I am sure the parents of this child know something is amiss, but either aren't ready to admit it to themselves yet or just aren't going public. If you really want to rattle your friend's cage, get a reputable article on Asperger's that lists the symptoms, make a copy, and mail it to them annonomously. Mail one to the kid's teacher as well. Then you have done your duty and don't have to take the flack for it. It is kinda chickening out but might preserve the friendship between yourself and his family. Remember, ultimately it is the parent's responsibility and not yours. I applaud you for caring and being willing to offer help. The parent's have to be willing to accept it before it will benefit anybody.

If it wasn't for another parent (who barely knew me) telling me that she had read an article about Asperger's and that my child seemed to maybe "fit the profile", who knows how long I would have wasted searching for answers or help. Because she took a chance on offending me, I was able to start researching it immediately and then bring it up to the school psychologist, who was not familiar with it yet, but ultimately confirmed that he does in fact meet the criteria. Shortly after that I was able to start getting some help for both of us.

You don't say if they know about your DX, if they do I would think you have a natural starting point. Either way, I vote for having a conversation with the parents, for the kid's sake.

Wishing you the best,
Verna

Thank you all for your thoughtful and supportive responses. I have resolved to bring up the topic with his parents.
I nearly did it! I bumped into him and his dad at the bookstore yesterday It should have been so easy to step into the child development section with the dad and ask him to thumb through a book on Asperger's, and tell him of my experience with it and my observation of it in his son. But did I? No. Dang it.

How about starting the conversation by saying something like "He sure reminds me of myself at that age" or "Wow I used to think/act/react/be just like that" or some variation? You mentioned they have known you for a long time, if they don't already know about your own DX, I would think you may want to start there.

Perhaps also role playing with someone before you talk to the parents would help. The more you figure out exactly what words to use beforehand, the easier it will be!

Please keep us posted...

Verna

Wow, you are avery caring and compassionate and so smart!! ! Be bold and shake them up from it! They probably feel something about their son being different, but have no clue even what is called. It does not matter if they get mad at you (they'll come around later), what matters is that the poor child can be understood and accomodated in this very cruel world, starting with his parents, that can explain to him that he is a special person, I can feel that he is, but you're right, he seems like he's getting isolated and that's going to make his life very hard. Your post really moved me because the way you are concerned about the boy and it made me think about a lot of things...the little boy acts just like I was when I was little, just like my daughter was acting untill maybe a year ago (she's just terrified of bees also and she can have a big scare if someone even jokes about a bee being close to her etc.). I am teaching my daughter that she's gorgeous, smart and just a beautiful woman. She was made fun of, because she's different (called even a "lesbian" when she was 8, because she is the opposite of a Barbie girly girl), but we changed a lot of things, mainly I explained to her that she is a beautiful person and it seems like it worked, thank G-d! Also, reading other posts of yours, I wish I would have a girlfriend like you, all my female friends are NT and while I love them dearly, there is always a wall...you have so many qualities and you are so smart!! ! Your husband and child are lucky!! !
Good luck!! !
Love, Elena.

Good on you for being so caring.

Could you get a brochure about Asperger's (maybe from your local Autism/Asperger's society) and give it to his parents.

They may initially be in denial when you discuss it with them, but if you leave them with some written material, the message hopefully will sink in.

Helen

Muddie, it's nice of you to be so concerned about others, empathy is good. Have you considered enlisting the help of someone at your son's school? Maybe there is a teacher or counselor who could talk to the parents. The kid is going to get eaten alive in middle school if he doesn't get some help!

myob. You have to trust that either a) parents are aware but don't feel it's necessary to label their son b) they don't know but school would pick up on it if there were issues so it's not exactly an issue c) with all the publicity about autism/aspergers, they probably DO know but are in denial or don't want to deal with it for whatever reason. You are viewing thi schild from a gronw up's perspective. Children grow and learn and don't alway sneed a label or protection.

If you say something, you will probably destroy your relationship with these people if they feel you have overstepped your boundaries. What if they choose not to acknowledge it? Then, they will feel awkward around you.

No, I would never say anything. If THEY bring it up, which I suppose they would if they know your child has AS, then by all means dive in.

Sorry to be the odd one out, but I truly think your intentions will be construed the wrong way.


(another thing--not all kids need to be labeled with AS/HFA. Some overcome adversity and thrive very well. Regardless, it's not up to you to spread the good word of Aspergers Syndrome).
equinn

I find myself wishing there were some better Asperger's biographies out there - there's stuff like Look Me in the Eye, but he had a pretty atypical childhood for an aspie, so it's not like you can suggest something like that and hope they pick up on the similarities. I'd probably start off by talking about your condition, and how you were as a kid, and hope they put 2 and 2 together. If not, give them a few weeks to digest, and then bring it up directly. Early intervention is important, I'd definitely try to find as subtle a way as you can to tell them. But don't rush it, if possible give them some time to get used to the idea.

OK, the story is old, but what happened with the child? Muddie, are you getting the messages?