Preparing for confrontation with support teacher

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It's scheduled tomorrow evening and I'm collecting mana for the event.

I think she's doing things wrong but the last thing I want is her becoming defensive.
What I think she's doing wrong: trying to create a reward system so my daughter works more.
What I think should be done: creating friendlier, less stressful environment for her to work.

I don't want to come out as a demanding mother or trigger defensive responses in her. I want her to understand the mechanism of shutdown so she knows what she's dealing with.

My plan is to start with letting her speak. What she thinks. Then, if she seems willing to listen, talk and if she isn't, go Socratic.

Wish me luck.

Much luck and many hugs. Sounds like a good plan.

The intrinsic reward for enjoying learning is so much more powerful than a sticker. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

(((magz)))

Sending you positive vibes, magz.

And some extra emojis for your girls.

Praying for you, Magz.

Thanks

Sounds like you’ve got a good strategy in place,
Here’s hoping it works out to your satisfaction and your daughters benefit.

(Big ball of hope & positivity here)

"Punishment and Rewards" is the way how neurotypical children are raised. So our society has come to take it as the golden standard for developing all children. When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Autistic children shouldn't be developed that way. Cognitively, the approach should be "Pull, not Push." Behaviorally, it should be "Fun and Facts." There is zero need for punishment, or rewards. You can provide the links to the teacher, or print the articles out for her. You can also print out the long division by missiles to her. That's what I do with my children's teachers: give them copies of my articles. You'll be doing a favor to future students on the spectrum, too. At the end of the day, every single teacher has cooperated with me.

http://www.eikonabridge.com/fun_and_facts.pdf
http://www.eikonabridge.com/pull_not_push_english_handout.pdf
http://www.eikonabridge.com/long_division.pdf

Behind you 100% magz. I’ve been where you’re at and truly hope it goes well. Sometimes it feels like such a battle to advocate for what your child needs in order to thrive. Of course, it shouldn’t be a battle, but teamwork with staff and parent/s working in unison for the good of your child & those in the same class, as the impact is felt by all. I sincerely hope you feel respected and listened to, that it all leads to better days for your daughter. Sending hugs and strength to get through it .

Fingers crossed magz, I hope things go well

I'm beaming lucky, Sweet Pea vibes your way.

Completely agree with the preference you stated.

As for framing it, a good approach can be to use questions like "how does she do when things are more quiet?" "Since she doesn't have issues when things are more quiet would you consider doing X, instead?" With a lot of steps from the first question to the second so that the teacher has the chance to get the light bulb moment on her own.

If that isn't working, I've had luck with framing the statements more as "this is what I've found works for me, and what does not work for me."

Long run the teacher will be more interested in a successful outcome than in being right, but the road to get the teacher to the right place does need to be gentle; they face far too many people every day telling them all they do wrong.

Good luck!

Thank you for all your support!
It went well, obviously not really as planned, but she was cooperative and willing to listen. We set our priorities with doing classwork not at the top of them I honestly admitted that for me, the top priority is my daughter's mental health and school performance is significantly lower. She can learn things in her own time but all achievements will be worth nothing if she gets traumatized in the process. Also, I shared what my daughter told me about their work together (not everything was nice but also not everything was bad).
The teacher first suggested changing the school for something smaller. I don't know, I've been thinking of it but the logistics may be tricky and it would need to be much better to balance the cost of such a big change. I need to think it over. M is well accepted in her class which is a rare chance with her level of social skills. It may not be as good elsewhere.

If only the main teacher was back the lady who was there before... she took a medical leave and the teacher who replaces her is completely incompatibile with us

Thanks for the update. Such decisions are sooooo hard.

Geez, I'm so anxious!
Another meeting with M's support team starts in 15 minutes.
With remote schooling, it all goes yet another way: we choose only the "for grade" parts and new material, so she's not really behind with classes but spends as little time on it as possible.

I hope it went well.

It ended with me explaining what a nightmare school is to a person with AS when it comes to social and organisational aspects of it.
Now I'm crying.