cyberdad wrote:
... let our children blossom in their own way. ...
Precisely.
I just attended a children's play "My Son Pinocchio". I think this webpage (
https://lovelondonloveculture.com/2019/08/02/review-my-son-pinocchio-jr-southwark-playhouse/) describes it well:
... It is a story that has a strong moral message at its core about being careful for what you wish for, while at the same time warning parents about trying to change and shape their children’s futures without listening to them. ...In the play, Pinocchio wanted to be a train engineer, but his father Geppetto wanted him to be a toy maker.
See, recently my son finally fully showered himself from beginning to end, including drying himself with a towel, using the hair dryer, and putting on body cream (Cetaphil). The first day he did it, he proudly went to his mom and told her: "I did everything all by myself!" and had the biggest smile on his face. He is 10 years old. Most neurotypical children accomplish the same thing when they are 7 years old. Had I trained my son to do all that at age 7, I probably could have made him do it. But I would have deprived him the sense of achievement in taking initiative all by himself to become independent. I would have ruined his self-confidence. As I always say, I spoon fed my daughter until she was 10 years old. If you look at all that BS out there about life skills, and how my children have become independent all on their own, tell me, what do you gain by forcing them to shower themselves earlier or feed themselves earlier? Haven't my children acquired all those "important life skills" before they turned adults? What would you have gained by hurrying them up? The answer is: you would have gained nothing. Nothing. All on the contrary, you would have introduced psychological scars in them, suppressed their self-esteem, suppressed their ability to take initiative, made them look down on themselves.
It's all very simple: respect your children as equal-rights fellow human beings, and not as circus animals for you to manipulate at your whim.
Same thing with behavior issues. Tell me, who here has never gotten mad at one point or another? When you are mad, would you like me to come over and lecture you about self regulation? Huh? Would you like your children to lecture you about self regulation? Huh? Then, why do we the adults take the preposterous attitude that we need to lecture our children about self regulation? Give me a break. Seriously, who do you think you are?
Respect your children. I don't teach my children coping techniques, relaxation, self regulation. They need none of that stuff. I simply tell them: sometimes life is tough, sometimes life is fun. That's all. I simply tell them facts and only facts. I tell them everyone is entitled to get upset, that getting mad is a sovereign right. Strangely, by allowing them to throw tantrums whenever and wherever they want, my children turned out to be very polite. Isn't that curious?
Recently a teacher (not the room teacher) suggested some punishment and rewards approach toward my son. Guess what? I wrote an e-mail, cc'ed other teachers, and explained that punishment and rewards is not the correct approach, I sent them the article about fun and facts. I further explained that I don't hide things from my son, and that I read my e-mail communications with the school to my son. I further indicated that this is a good material for my son to learn about the quirks of neurotypical people, and that I would read the e-mail to my son, year after year, until he grows up.
It's all very simple: treat your children as equal-rights fellow human beings. If you don't want your children to grow up and hate your for the rest of their lives, then, don't do manipulation. Don't treat them as circus animals that you can manipulate with punishment and rewards.
02 Nov 2019, 6:29 pm
