bullying and ASD

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i have ASD and was pummelled and/or bullied across the board ... brothers, kids at school, XH, etc

now i'm seeing the other side where one of my ASD (the less severe one, the severe one is an angel who gets bullied by his brother) kids is turning out to be a bully not just to his brother but to kids at daycare too as a way to cope (?).

i'm just fed up of ASD and i wish i could fix my brain and my son's brain, no matter what we do, it's always the wrong thing, it's never right.

you're too different and reticent, pushover, trusting? ok world will bully torment etc. my brain knows but day to day moment to moment it's in its natural state and resets from whatever i supposedly 'learned' as its not instinctive.
you're too overwhelmed, and lash out (son)? ok, now you're hurting others, and the problem is in reverse.


also, knowing someone has ASD is also horrible, because the bad people will use that to lie about you (as if it is your motive for whatever lie they said u did e.g. my ex law clerk and lawyer)
and the good (? nice) people will use that to excuse you and then you never learn (my son, his teachers excuse him because ' he doesn't know how to interact' and dont say much if anything to him, it's me when i witness it who has to , and i try to reassure his victims - kids he hits- and get him to apologize, etc)


i don't know where to go from here. i'm so done with life.

How old is he?
What exactly does he do in daycare?

3.
He throws things at kids. He pushes kids who try to be friends with him and runs away.
Teachers dont say much. He ran up and hit a little girl on the arm with a toy car rigth in front of teacher adn she didnt say anything i instantly scolded him got him to apologize and made sure the girl was ok.
teacher didnt say anything so i pointed it out to her in case she was distracted, and she said, 'well, you're okay aren't you. he said sorry.' to the girl who was rubbing her arm quietly.

today he threw a toy train at a little girl who was smiling at him and approached him.
i spent a long time hugging her reassuring her and trying to have him apologize which he did after a long time of my asking. when i basically said say sorry and no hitting, or no more daycare, is when he apologized.

teacher didnt seem to mind i pointed out to her even when i was leaving he would have hit that girl with a big smile on his face, except i stopped him and another little girl ran in front of her to block him.
i said to the teacher to please watch him as he was targeting that little girl today...
the teacher just said, 'oh yes because she's quiet.'

he now throws things at his brother's head and hits him etc.
i do all the stuff im supposed to, i went over it with several people who agreed that i was doing everything possible, and correctly.
i even try to reassure him immediately, coach him as we go there, to ease the transition, remind him of how to talk to kids or option to so no and go away rather than hitting kids if u feel shy, ertc...

I know it's frustrating. It would frustrate me.

He's unhappy. This is why he's throwing things.

It's no one's fault. But it'll be good if you can get at the root of his anger.

it's so hard to tell as he's usually smiling when he does it at daycare like the other kids will play along and fight back.

ive even heard him say, 'fighting! fighting!' to them, standing there laughing and waiting to be hit back! he does that to me too but i only let him if its with a soft toy, and it's like sword fighting.
he only does it out of anger to his brother. although he seemed really happy the one time his brother hit him back, like 'now this is going somewhere!'

the teachers vary, they say it's both from shyness ('he doesn't know what to say') and from wanting to play rough.

It's funny how many boys of 3 and 4 just love to fight---but it's true. In that way, your son is a "normal" kid. They love the rough and tumble play. Sometimes, girls do, too.

That's why parents and teachers have to be strict with kids of that age. Set boundaries.

I know were I his father, I would be frustrated. I can feel your frustration.

But he is very young. He will probably grow out of this.

How much older is his older brother?

I don't know if he will. Because his dad said he gets his naughtiness from him (have heard many stories of him as a child, being really mean to other kids in very intelligent ways that he could get away with it). Dad still has a tendency to be a bully (not violently, but other ways), so he didn't outgrow it.
I don't want him to be like that.
Elder is 7 but mentally maybe 2 or 3.

It is possible that you can prevent that from happening. It's definitely not a "lost cause."

Genes do not necessarily make the person.

Genes can be transcended.

My brother handled it with his son the way: "fight within the rules"
The rules were: only one by one, no hard, heavy or sharp objects, make sure your opponent also enjoys the fight, never beat girls, never beat boys who don't want to fight.
Generally, fighting as a form of social interaction between pre-schoolers but make sure you don't really hurt anyone.

My brother's son is diagnosed with Asperger's.
I think this way is fine.

That's not a bad way, in my opinion---your brother's way.

yeah i do that already as we had that growing up. however when he wants to do something he forgets/ignores rules even if he is told just a minute before or during. maybe that's just a toddler thing....he hit another kid at circle time when i came to pick him up, i heard the teacher telling him not to 2 times before he did it, but he did anyway... i apologized to the child of course...


my dad and mom had to impose rules on my brothers too, as they LOVED fighting.

the rule i remember clearly was 'no hitting the head or stomach' along with no hitting girls, which was always ignored by my middle brother. He has no impulse control.

The reason i remember is that is that one of the many times my brother was hitting my sister or i, we would fight back but as soon as he hit near stomach or head, we would go complain.

sometimes we would purposely manouevre our body just as he was about to hit, so that he accidentally would hit the head/stomach, just so we could get him to stop.

that rule, if broken, caused my dad to take over (the 'big guns')

after telling him off strictly, the punishment was always that my brother give my dad a foot and back massage for an hour or two or more...the WORST!

he would do anything to get out of it, including begging one of us to take over the massage as soon as my dad was asleep if the massage stopped, my dad would know and tell both kids to stay and massage, but if we transitioned smoothly he would keep sleeping and be none the wiser that my brother had escaped....we (all siblings) would take turns to cover for him, till the punishment time was over

My AS son went through a period (just a few months) like this when he was 5 to 6 years old. He had social problems and didn't know how to relate to the other kids. By early first grade he was past it and is now--at age 12--as far from a bully as you can imagine.

That is quite reassuring to read!

The daycare supervisor, kind with a keen understanding of people, told me consistency in our response is important.

He does seem a bit improved. However, he now hits himself when caught hitting, which is a way of getting himself to cry.

I think he does it in lieu of the ability to communicate his anger/sadness/embarrassment/regret. So I try to verbalize his possible feelings for him and reassure as well.

Children vary greatly, despite having similar conditions/diagnoses and upbringing. It's interesting.

Remember that handling something correctly for an ASD child is not always the same as handling things correctly for an NT child. Are you using protocols for ASD or generalized advice?

Have you done situational autopsies with your son? 3 is a little on the young side for it, but sometimes using a story about a fictional character will allow a 3 year old to open up without realizing it. Break the situations down into every minute fraction. What happened, what was he feeling, what was he thinking, what else could he have done? I'm not convinced he means to bully. I find it more likely he is reacting to stimulation he doesn't know how to handle.

The toddler years are very emotionally draining for a parent. I promise it will eventually get easier. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too.

funny you mention that. i began using a teddy bear that i use in a game with him (pretending i dont know where it is then imagining all sorts of places it could be) to demonstrate playing gently. so i had the teddy bear 'hit' him, and asked it to say sorry and explained to it, how to approach him, made the bear mess up a few times throughout the days, as though it 'hit' him and same thing repeated..always end that scenario by transitioning the bear to a game or shared activity (eg dancing) so he sees that u can move past and not get stuck in that. he liked that quite a lot