I’m a mom with autism

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I don’t know if this really belongs here, but I’m a mom with high functioning autism. A single one at that.

I need advice. I feel worried. Because of my autism, I have somewhat severe social anxiety. This is party due to all the bullying, abusive friendships and relationships, as well as the “weird looks” I get from people everywhere I go. If I were neurotyoical, I could overcome the anxiety much more easily. I worry that she may become anxious like me. I try to be excited whenever kids are around and say, “Hey honey, look at all the kids! You could have some fun with them and make some friends!” Her Dad who she sees 50% of the time is very socially outgoing so maybe he’ll be a good influence?

What I want more than anything is to just live very simply. Too many things stress and burn me out. That doesn’t mean I’ll deprive my daughter, I’ll expose her to many people and events. I just feel like I can’t say much to other people other than hello and how are you, as well as a couple of other small things. I just can’t engage in a long back and forth conversation. Even without saying anything, people immediately sense I’m awkward.

What should I do to help my daughter?

I'm high functioning autistic and I have a high functioning autistic child. I love him for who he is and do not lament the fact that he's autistic one single bit. Not one bit. He's unique. I can't imagine what life would be like without him. I believe one of my roles as his parent is to allow him to be himself and to create a home environment that he feels that he can truly be himself in which includes the rest of us being supportive and encouraging to him. Certainly it can be challenging at times, especially when meltdowns happen. Still, I love him for who he is.

I would be honest with your kid in age appropriate ways so he learns that people can be different and react to the same situations in different ways and enjoy different things and that is okay. It's okay if he notices that you prefer to bring a book to the park (as long as you don't get too lost in books and forget you are watching your kid, haha). It's okay if you don't go to crowded things as much as dad does. You guys can have different things that are YOUR things to do together...I go for walks with my son. We paint pictures together. We play with our pets. We read books. We talk about how plants work and notice the different wildlife outside. We also do some "social" things together too (well, when not "social distancing"), but he does a lot more things involving crowds with my spouse, and I am totally okay with that.

And I think it's also okay, and healthy, to let your kid know stuff like "mommy doesn't want to take you to ____ because it is really loud there and my ears hurt more easily than other people, but what if we go to the park for a walk and then eat some ice cream?" I think that would be better than pushing yourself and then getting so stressed you melt down.

One last note - I understand feeling relieved that your kid will have an easier time than maybe you did because they are not autistic, but many people on here may feel like you are putting down them or their kids, and devaluing yourself as well. You may want to consider re-wording what you wrote?

Hi. I am a huge loner and raised two boys on my own since middle school, and everybody turned out just fine. Before facebook, reality tv and commercialism family life was simple and everybody turned out fine. It's ok to lean on her dad to take care of things that you dread and she'll make friends on her own once she's in school so don't worry about that. As your daughter ages you will get more practice being around others and it will get easier. You are under no obligation to volunteer at school, or to visit moms at their home, or invite them to yours. I always found kids very easy to get along and you will find plenty of moms who are happy to drop off their children for play dates with a quick hi and goodbye, and then pick them up at a specified time. Keep birthday parties small or ask for help and keep them short. You'll also be surprised by how busy some children are and her friends will love to visit so they get to relax too.
My kids father was barely in the picture and I had no family around so as a teen one of my boys found a "second mom" and spent a lot of time there growing up. I always thought he was just hanging out with friends but she passed from cancer many years later and I found out what she meant to him. I wasn't jealous and was happy he had found someone to talk to. My point is to allow friends or family into her life in some capacity. The more people who love her the better off she'll be. You'll do fine!

While it hasn't see activity in quite a while, the "parents on the spectrum" thread at the top covers many of the common concerns that parents like you face. I've been off and on this forum for years and your concerns are not unique. There should be lots hidden around here for you to read that you can relate to. Welcome!

Parenting has challenges for everyone. I raised three kids in my own quirky bent way and they all survived and thrived and now live independently and are doing well.
The best decision I ever made was to disengage from the competition and just take on as much as I could comfortably handle. Having your daughter exposed to multiple perspectives and ways of living life will give her broader insight. I see it as an advantage, like learning multiple languages.