Hello, new here, advice needed....FYI, this is long.

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First off, let me please state up front, I'm not the parent. I'm asking these Qs on behalf of my nephew. We'll call him K. K is the son of my younger brother who committed suicide two years ago.

My brother was diagnosed late in life (early thirties) as being bipolar and severely depressed. He had self medicated with drugs and alcohol for much of his life, but in the end, his demons got the better of him and he took his own life.

I have a fairly decent relationship with my nephew's mother, but I suspect that the Aspergers might have come from her. She has also has a lot of family issues from growing up that she hasn't acknowledged, or dealt with, and she never really has given herself room or time to grieve for my brother. They were together from the time he was fifteen and she was sixteen and she was pregnant with their first child.

Their relationship together wasn't easy, but they did love each other. Granted, the marriage devolved at times into abuse and I don't say this from speculation or suspicion but from knowledge. My nephew K is the youngest of four and more than once, I had to go over to the home to intervene when things got volatile.

K was the one who seemed the most isolated from the chaos and violence that took place within the home, and I'm not saying this out of idealism. K was the one person who seemed to get through to my brother when nobody else could. If my brother broke something in a fit of rage and K saw it, K would call him on it and say, "Dad, you know you shouldn't do that." My brother would look at him all shame-faced and admit, "Yeah, buddy, I know." They were very close, even for father and son.

I'm a former nurse and I'd suspected for years that K was on the spectrum, but while suspicions and experience in the field are all well and good, I couldn't force the family to get the child evaluated. Their oldest son had severe ADHD and was evaluated by the school system, however, when put on medication, he didn't react well, so I suspect that played a part in why they were reluctant to do anything even when it became apparent there were issues with K.

In all honestly, I think K's ASD protected him from some of the crap his brothers and sister faced, letting him exist in his own world and only dealing with things when he was ready to for much of his life. But that changed when his father committed suicide.

Let me be clear... I don't blame my brother for taking his life--I am angry with him for the abusive circumstances, but even those came about because of addiction and mental illness. I'm not making excuses, but mental illness is an ugly beast and only gets uglier when you try to fix it with drugs or booze.

My brother was mentally ill, dealing with s**t form childhood in bad way and his actions weren't guided by his own choices, but by his illness. It would be like blaming a cancer patient for getting sicker.

However, hids death took a toll on a broken family. His wife came from a broken family herself (our parents were messed up--an alcoholic and a passive aggressive co-dependent). Out of the two families, HER family was probably the more messed up.

However, there is a clear history of bipolar disease on our side of the family, but this wasn't made aware to any of us until it was too late to take action, much less realize that might be what was affecting my brother.

But my brother's suicide has had an impact on his kids. I can't help two of them--they don't want to talk to us. My niece is letting us help as much as possible, but she's twenty and it's easier for her to accept help on her own.

My nephew, however, is only ten.

He wasn't diagnosed with ASD until this past year, when he was 9. I've suspected ASD since he was 4, but I couldn't convince them to get an evaluation or anything else. It was K's school that finally pushed the issue. He has ASD and severe ADHD. The ADHD is currently unmedicated, unfortunately--and it is unfortunate. He's as sharp as a whip, but it's impossible for him to concentrate in the typical setting and he struggles in subjects like math. My youngest has severe ADHD as well and I've walked this road so I know how rough it can be.

K is convinced that he is stupid because he doesn't understand subjects like math and science and this results in bad grades, but this is common with kids who have ADHD. These subjects, especially as a child gets older, require more 'concentration'. It's not like spelling or reading where it's pure memorization. That focus gene comes into play and with ADHD, focus is always a problem.

On top of his self-doubt issues are his problems with making friends, which, from what I've read, is often problematic with for kids with ASD.

He didn't always have such problems making friends, though. It seemed to get worse the school year after my brother's death.

And over the past year, he's developed a SERIOUS fascination with death.

I KNOW kids this age can often develop an interest in it, especially if they have suffered a recent loss.

But K's interest seems to be bordering on obsession.

There have been behavior issues over the past few months--it's nothing major, or at least, nothing that concerns me as a former peds nurse, or a parent. At the age of ten, he's just acting out the way some kids at that age do. He never HAS acted out, so to be honest, it's almost been refreshing to even see him acting more neurotypical.

But then comes the time to discpiline him and things change.

If you try to correct him, one might thing you'd put him on the gangplank.

If you try to explain the problems to him, you'd think he's been told he's the next Dr. Mengele.

It's possible my sister in law isn't parenting as good as should, and I acknowledge that.

But my concerns go pretty damn deep.

The past few times I've had to discipline him, he's been like...

"I wish I was dead." And he ACTS like he's dead, complete with a lolling tongue, the way somebody who'd hanged themselves (and his dad DID hang himself, although I don't know if somebody told him this and I'm nervous about asking him because if nobody DID, he might figure it out)

"I wish I was in a black hole FOREVER..." Then he closes his eyes and does another death impression.

or... I get crap like...

"I'm having a HEART ATTACK..." complete with sputters, feigned chest pains, clutching at the chest.

"I'm CHOKING..." complete with gasping, clutching at throat and chest and breathing hard.

"LIVER CANCER..." complete with sputters, grasping at his side (THE CORRECT SIDE) and moaning his way into 'death'

"It's COPD..." complete with wheezing his way into the final goodbye.

or just...

"I'm dead..." and he lolls out his tongue and rolls back his eyes in the most disturbing way. I'd almost swear he'd SEEN his dad, but I know for a fact he hadn't.

I know kids of a certain age can be somewhat obsessed with death, but...to this extent? Has anybody seen anything REMOTELY like this?

K's mom is still struggling to get through the grieving process and if the kid got ASD from anybody, it was likely her, although I do suspect he's dealing with depression that he got from my brother. What a lovely mix.

I'm at my wit's end trying to figure out what to tell her without coming off as freaking out which would make her shut down and maybe make her keep him away from me. If ANYBODY can offer any advice, insight... Frankly, I'm frustrated and afraid and don't know which way to turn.

Please help.

I am not sure what you want. If it is sympathy or praises, given your former nurse background, you should already know that people will immediately suspect Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy (MSbP). So, let us not go down that route.

Second thing: neurodiversity. Not only autism, but even many bipolar and schizophrenic people, don't view their neural condition as a disorder. For instance, for bipolar disorder, you may want to scroll down a few messages and read this thread: https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=380947. I find it fascinating that you can literally "listen to your heart" and live with your bipolar condition quite alright.

Obsession and fascination with death per se, is not a bad thing. Any special interest in autistic children is a door. The children are asking you to enter that door, and come inside their world. The special interests are only bad when we don't leverage them to develop our children. I would suggest not to look at it negatively. What autistic children need is not treatment for ADHD, or social skills development. They need none of that. What they need is brain development, from their special interests. Guide them through their interests, and expand their skill set. Gosh, there are so many things you could do with these children. Essay writing being one. Multimedia editing being another one. Public speech being another one. See, even though the topic might be morbid, if a child is interested in death issues, you can leverage his interest to develop his brain, to develop his analytic skills. For instance, you could take him to funerals, let him explore different kinds of arrangements (burial, cremation). Take him to a morgue would be a good experience, too. Explore different kinds of religious beliefs (heaven/hell, reincarnation). Things like that. Personally we are quite open with our children about all these issues, and our children are only 11 and 10 years old. Yes, they have been to a morgue. You mentioned liver cancer: that's a perfect topic for getting into human anatomy and biology / medical science.

Brain development should be the priority. Once the brain is developed and matured, everything else will fall into place by themselves.

Read this letter I wrote to my son on his 8th birthday. Maybe you would like to pass it along to the boy's mother. See, plenty of people out there cherish being autistic. We view it as a gift, as something that makes us special.

http://www.eikonabridge.com/Ivan_8th_birthday.pdf

Punishment and rewards doesn't work for autistic children. Use "Fun and Facts" instead.

http://www.eikonabridge.com/fun_and_facts.pdf

And here is the English version of the handout for a talk I gave earlier this year. You might want to look into the case of Helen Keller. She was quite a violent child. The right way of solving her violence was not behavioral therapy, but rather, communication and intellectual development.

http://www.eikonabridge.com/pull_not_push_english_handout.pdf

My advice to you would be to make any time you share with K, as positive a time as is possible. Make an effort to ensure you incorporate his interests in your time together. Be the "respite" for him that he so obviosuly needs. Give him your time, if he wants you with him ... be a positive, caring presence. Discipline .... I agree completely with eikonabridge. He knows what he's talking about. Truly. I'm a behaviourist, from an AS persepctive when it comes to dealing with challenging behaviours. Work with him, not against him. Give him positive examples of others with his struggles. Tell him you believe in him and are proud of him. The behaviour reminded me of the film "Harold & Maude" - he just needs someone who understands and cares for him ... x

Since this is your first post, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO) most of the problems in life that Aspies [or High Functioning Autistics] experience are due to stress. Stress energy is cumulative and will build and be stored within the body. Stress energy unless it is vented properly can produce distress. One form of distress is trauma. Sometimes one single event such as the death of a parent through suicide can add to the existing stress levels and throw a person into a state similar to PTSD.

The following is List of Signs of Trauma
* Deer in the headlight frozen expression
* Paleness and racing heartbeat
* Terrified speechless
* Disruptive behavior
* Anger, irritability, mood swings, edginess
* Hyperactive
* Poor concentration
* Demonstrating poor impulse control
* Lethargic, lack of energy
* Depressed
* Shock, denial, or disbelief
* Confusion, feeling out of control
* Anxiety and fear
* Night terrors
* Guilt, shame and self-blame
* Withdrawing from others
* Feeling sad and hopeless
* Feeling disconnected or numb, spacey
* Hyper-focus on mortality or death
* Loss of appetite or overeating
* Obsessive-compulsive behavior
* Avoidance behavior

Notice that one of the elements of Trauma is:
* Hyper-focus on mortality or death

So the tools to treat your nephew are the same tools to treat someone with trauma and PTSD. Many treatments are ineffective in treating these conditions but some progress is being made. I will recommend two books to help you get a handle on the problem.

These are "In an Unspoken Voice" by Peter A. Levine
and "The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process" by David Perceli

I am not a big fan of using drugs to treat Aspies conditions such as ADHD or other Aspie mental health problems. This is because IMHO they only temporarily control the problem and in long-term do more harm than good. They destroy the unique special brain that Aspie's possess.