School anxiety

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My Aspie (diagnosed!) daughter shows more and more symptoms of school anxiety since her teacher changed. The new (and very old) teacher may be there just for one year, while the "regular" one is on a medical leave but nothing is certain here.

We got through her diagnosis but we need to wait for another evaluation before the school can officially provide any accommodations. We get an appointment in mid-December.

In the meantime, things look grim. Every morning my daughter makes a scene of moaning and crying. I need to walk her to school and leave her literally in the teacher's arms so she doesn't try to run after me. Every evening she just comes home and turns on her video games, quite happy that way.
There's no actual bullying involved but a lot of painful misinterpretations - kids are worried for her and they express it by showing a lot of interest. My daughter is very shy and she has great difficulty using words when she's upset, so she can't explain what's going on to her classmates.
The teacher is of the kind I can't communicate well. She misunderstands M, she misunderstands me, I need another mother as a "translator" before we can agree on anything.

We're still waiting for the appointment. If the accommodations the school provides weren't enough, we probably need to loook for a different school. I can't homeschool with my mental health and executive functioning issues, it's too controlled where I live. But right now it's all about surviving another month.

I don't know - do you have any tricks to ease school anxiety? I don't want to medicate an 8yo, it would be way too early, and besides this, I couldn't find much useful information about it.

It sounds like, first and foremost, you just need understanding and acceptance, so her differences are treated in a way you'll recognize as kind and supportive.

When she comes home and needs serious downtime, that fits the pattern. Explicitly recognize the effort she makes to cope at school under these conditions and the resulting allocation of self care she deserves at home in order to keep things balanced.

If you are at your wits end, you could communicate in a letter to the teacher, perhaps with a copy to the principal, or just keep a copy for your records. Do as many drafts as you need till it's tight, justified, and clear in what it asks for. Run it by a friend and perhaps your therapist if you can, for feedback.

Perhaps also refer them to the most concise and informative video you know that could help them understand the things you wish they would understand about your daughter.

Official accommodations are one thing, but understanding and respectful treatment are not too much to ask for. They will also help eliminate friction in the classroom which should meet the teacher's needs too.

Good luck.

I see things from a Christian perspective which annoys and even outrages some. I cite this as a warning.

There are few things as painful to the heart as seeing a small child being taken to school in anxiety and tears and begs their mother to please not abandon them. What can be even more chilling is how quickly the child adopts to the new environment and withdraws from family.

Aspie children have even greater difficulty and anxiety. I cannot think of any "fix" to your situation. We homeschooled our children and have never regretted it. Here is a link contrasting learning with "education".

http://christianpioneer.com/lib/education/educate.htm

If one is offended by Christianity, it should probably be avoided.

If you have circumstances or face legal requirements such that you are unable to keep your child at home, you have my sympathy.

Dear magz - what you've described you're seeing in your daughter, was me to a "T", except I did become a runner(at the age of 5, I would no sooner be taken into Infants School, then I would be on my way home(stomach in such pain and knots due to the anxiety). It would make me ill. I would hide under my father's car at home(my mother had passed) ... was practically mute, in fact, entirely mute in school, but not at home. Books were the only thing that could console me. I went undiagnosed entirely. Staff were kind, but I would disrupt the class with my tears and crying at 5 & 6. So wish I'd been home educated back then. Mind, I grew to love school later... If I'd been home educated until about 8, I'd have been much better off. Break times at that age caused massive anxiety too. I loved doing page after page of work though ... and give me a room full of books at break times, and I'd have been much happier.

Great but I can't homeschool.
Homeschooling is very controlled in my country, I would need to endure constant supervision. My anxiety is a problem enough without it, adding this kind of responsibilities would land me in a mental hospital in a month.
I know what I'm talking about, really, ignoring my mental health needs ends in a catastrophe pretty soon.
And then there would be no homeschooling and no mother at home.
Not the choice I want to make.

Dear magz - In this situation, I’d try a different school(this is what I tried for my youngest). Won’t be easy, but you just might find there are better choices in school out there, and a better rapport with different staff. You are the number 1 most important person in your daughter’s life, so absolutely look after yourself, so as to be the best mother and person for her. Sorry, I didn’t form a better response last night(wasn’t feeling well). I got through those difficult, teary days eventually, and am glad I was mainstreamed, and things did get better, much better. I was mothered for a bit, but was befriended by a great, loving bunch of girls, who I’m still very close to. Thinking of you and what you and your daughter are going through, and behind you 100%. It’s so hard when your children are younger and you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Look after yourself, and I’m hoping all will eventually fall into place for you both.xx

Hi Magz. I'm in the same situation and have been for a long time although my daughter is 10 now. School is hard. She is good at it, but it is still really hard. Mostly the getting there bit.

Now we are in a good school. People are understanding and if they are not they know to butt out and not interfere. At the moment my daughter has had a hard term. Some weeks she only makes it in 3 days a week. She has amazing days with no anxiety and she has those full of anxiety. Everyone is nice to her. She has friends but it is just hard work.

Having one key person at school who gets it helps. I am lucky in that regard. Without that I am sure things would be much harder. She advocates for my daughter and carries a lot of my burden. I trust her entirely.

Alongside that I have stopped beating myself up too much. If it doesn't work one day my daughter works from home. She has her own computer now so her teachers will email her work and she will sit down and diligently complete it all and then some! She is a very strong writer and good at independent research so that helps.

Maybe ask her to brainstorm things that could make school less hard for her?

Good luck.

Are there any kids at school who seem to understand autism? Other kids will notice that another is having trouble and can often run interference for your child. If you can spend some time with the class, such as going for lunch or on a school trip, you could probably pick out a kid who seems sympathetic to your daughter. Then you could encourage her to hang around the helpful kid more.

I would b*tch up on getting accommodations for her and making sure they are implemented. Do not make the mistake of being nice to the administration. Seriously. They are there for YOUR KID. Your kid is not there to help them earn paychecks.

Make sure she gets a break out of the classroom (to “work on math” or whatever). Maybe try a stim toy and/or headphones. I have noticed that some autistic kids seem to like hoodies. Maybe that cuts off some of the world for them.

Sorry if this seems harsh. I’m in the middle of my own bad experience with schools.

Thanks.
No, I don't read your post as harsh. It's rather encouraging.
I try to be diplomatic - polite but firm. It works a bit, school guidence counsellor came with some nice ideas of engaging older student volunteers, we'll see how it works. Also, the school counsellors seem to listen to me more than the teachers, so I use them as a proxy to get things done.
Tomorrow's the big day: we go to obtain some official evaluation required for acommodations.
I hope it goes well.

School anxiety is tough.

I had a huge amount of anxiety in school, especially when we moved. I was even having panic attacks.

I started homeschooling in 6th grade. It wasn’t the best solution, but I had not been assessed or diagnosed and schools weren’t as accommodating in those days. I think it’s best for kids to learn how to adapt in a social environment because that’s what they’ll have to do as adults. If she’s kept in her shell right now, it’ll be harder to adapt as she gets older. The key, like you say, is going to be finding appropriate accommodations to relieve some of the environmental stressors without taking her out of the environment completely.

I, personally, had the most trouble with anxiety during times with a lot of sensory input, like school assemblies (panic attacks every time!), lunchtime, fire drills, as well as in classrooms with a lot of kids. My social difficulties bothered me more as I got older although my perfectionism made me anxious, too.

You’re doing the right thing by keeping her in school even without taking your needs into the equation.

It’s good that you’re figuring it out and getting it taken care of. It’s really hard to see our kids struggle with something like this.