Parents and adult childrens relationships

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I'm a 29 year old women and i appreciate all my family have done for me.

But i don't like it when they give me ultimatums, a very hard time, meddle or interfere in any potential relationship

or say things to put them off me or force me to cut ties

Or take away my devices.

I should be allowed, as an adult to love whom i choose to love.
My family disapprove of someone and i just wish they gave him a chance

As a parent to two adult children, I agree with you. Won't stop me from worrying about them making bad choices or getting in over their heads, & wouldn't stop me from letting them know my opinion if its clear they've done just that, but so far I've been able to stay completely out of it and let the chips fall as they may. My kids have good judgement and deserve to live their own lives as they see fit.

Some parents are too controlling. Some let their fears overwhelm them. Some have seen their kids falter so much they are desperate to keep them from falling again. The last one I have sympathy for. The first two less so.

Have you discussed with your parents WHY they disapprove? If they don't like the way he treats you, that I would pay attention to. If they don't like his prospects, that I would not listen to.

Some parents never develop advisory skills as their children age. If a parent is stuck in issuing commands and directives as if the child was still two years old, it can place a strain on the relationship.

You may wish to guide your parents into a different mode of communication by asking them to state their reasons. For example if they dislike a romantic interest of yours, you can ask them to be specific in their objection. If they object because they know he is an axe murderer, it would be helpful to know that. If they object because of his fashion choices, it may not be as persuasive.

As a parent of an almost adult AS child who was just diagnosed last year at the age of 16, I can share my perspective/quandry. If anything, I have always been the opposite of your parents. Not at all controlling, letting my kids make their own decisions from things like screen time and homework to what they take for lunch and when they get up in the morning. This has worked exceedingly well for my NT daughter, who is currently 15, highly motivated, self-aware, and responsible.

I am not so sure this has been the best for my AS daughter, who is 17 and now in her last year of high school. She is working hard, don't get me wrong, so she can gain acceptance into college (community college for those in the US). Although she considered university, I expressed my concern that I felt it wasn't where she should start. I honestly don't know how well she will cope with moving to post-secondary from her very sheltered life at home. Her area of study is not offered where we live, so she will either be on her own or I'll have to move with her. But that's a whole other conversation...

Over the is school year, she has started staying up later and later at night and getting up later in the mornings. This morning, she got out of bed at nearly 7:45 (at my insistence). Classes start at 8:15 and she has a 10-15 minute walk to school. She shows no motivation to do anything on her own, even though they are things she wants to do. Getting her to fill out her college application has been frustrating to say the least. Of course, part of me tells myself, let her miss the deadline. If she's not mature and responsible enough to get it in on her own, she isn't mature and responsible enough to go to college next year.

All this to say that I am all for letting my kids try on their own and fall down. I'll be there to help them when they get back up. Having said that, my DD is so in her own world and so resistant to help, to changing how she does things, to disciplining herself, that I feel at a loss. I'm trying to figure out how to articulate this -- she would be perfectly happy to sit on my couch on her phone all day every day for the foreseeable future. Unless she has a commitment, like school or volunteering (which she wants to stop now that she has all her high school volunteer hours), she literally doesn't move from the couch.

She will be 18 by the end of the year, and at this point I shouldn't have to poke and prod her. Yet, doing so may be the only way to get her moving. I guess what I'm saying is that every parent is different, every kid (adult or not) is different, and it's tough as a parent to know where to draw the line between getting involved and standing aside. At least it is for me. I am really struggling right now to know how and how much to involve myself in her decisions and life and how much to push her.

Wow, sorry that's so long. Guess I needed to vent a little

Can I ask you something? Have you ever discussed with your daughter that ASD is considered a developmental delay? The reason I ask is that my son knew most of his life to date that he should NOT mark 18 in permanent ink as the emotional and practical transition to adulthood. He knew that I did not expect him to be ready at 18, but that I DID expect he would be sometime before 25 or so (a little arbitrary, but I based that on what I've read here over the years). Yes, legally he became an adult at 18, but our relationship didn't fully transition to adult-adult until later. It wasn't me deciding for him to delay the change; it was both of us. My daughter has been different, she wanted to be treated as an adult long before she was one, so at 18 I simply granted her wish (although we don't expect her to be independent financially). But my son knew he wasn't really ready, and we let the situation evolve relatively organically until he was. With him now 22, he is simply an adult to me. It was just nice to have HIM know for a while he wasn't actually ready. In my opinion, 29, the age of the OP, would be an adult unless there was reason to believe a guardianship was required (a whole other conversation).

Point being, if you've discussed this with your daughter, you will have more latitude to continue to parent beyond the legal line, and a more clear guide on how much to interfere - or not. Talk about it when she isn't in a pressure situation. See if she understands what she needs, and also see what she wants. When to interfere and when to let go are always some of the most difficult decisions we make.

Thank you for this. I have spoken with her about her potential choices next year, expressed what I feel is best for her, and made it clear that I want to support her in whatever decision she does make. I have talked to her about getting counseling together (to get help learning how to navigate these waters and for her to have help with executive function and socialization), which would be good for both of us. But I haven't discussed it with her in terms of AS being a developmental delay and that she may not be fully ready to go to post-secondary next year.

I certainly have no expectation of her being financially independent for the next few years. I do expect her to take on some level of responsibility. For instance, if she does choose to go to community college (taking a one-yr program over two years), which would be in a different city, I am considering a move for the whole family so she can still live at home. But I expect her to work hard at school. If she chooses to take a year or two off, it cannot be to sit on the couch all day every day. I would expect her to get a part-time job, which I know is going to be challenging for her. If that doesn't work out right away, then volunteering a few hours a week. With a job, I have considered charging her a nominal fee for rent, like $100 a month, which I would actually tuck away for her future, and making her take over her cell phone bill.

These are all things I have considered. I do need to have a talk with her, but haven't known what exactly the conversation should be. You have definitely helped with that. Thank you.

"Take away my devices"? At the age of 29? I think that's called theft.

Unfortunately when you live with your parents they are the bosses of everything. If you have the kinda parents that are like this then you're kinda stuck with it unless you have the means of getting out. My parents are also like this and they make it very clear that they don't believe autistic people should work or live independently.

My folks have never taken away devices or nothing like that but they can with hold other things like transportation and visiters to the house if they don't approve of the situation. I also have a boyfriend that my parents don't like who I'm currently in a long distance relationship with and my dad literally told me that he wasn't welcomed in this house. Also he would have to find his own way up here transportation wise since my parents who have a car each are not willing to provide and/or assist with transportation in any way to that situation. Unfortunately my boyfriend is not in the position where he can do much about that since he's always in a financial deficient all the time but hey, you can still care about someone from a distance. For me this is beyond the best I can do given the fact we've been up and down this roller coaster for about 3 years.