Seeking input/advice for 17-yr-old daughter

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone. Still fairly new here and haven't been on in a while. I would really love to get your input on the situation with my DD. She was diagnosed high-functioning ASD last August at the age of 16. She is now 17 and she is in her last year of high school. At this point, I am unsure of how to best help her.

Before I get into the specifics, I want to make my intentions clear. I do not in any way want to hold her back from what she wants to accomplish in life, nor do I want to push her faster or before she is ready. I want to do the very best I can at supporting her and giving her what she needs to live her best life. What I am asking for here is your opinion/experience on how to best help her.

DD is passionate about animals. She knows she wants a career working with them. However, on the cusp of graduating from high school, it's been like pulling teeth to get her to research university and college programs (we're in Canada) and get her application ready. I have talked with her about the prospect of taking a year or two off, but she says she wants to go to post-secondary next year. Although, she has said outright she wants to get the school part over with so she can just work in her career. Not terribly encouraging.

I am also not certain she is really ready for everything post-secondary entails, or for living on her own. Any program of study that interests her is not in our city. I am willing to move with her, which means uprooting her younger sister who is in grade 10, so she can still live at home, but I don't know if she should even go next year or whether college (community college) or university would be the better option.

I am more than happy to let her make the decision, but whenever I try to talk to her about it, she is minimally responsive. She has said she wants the zoology program at university, but I also get a lot of "I don't knows." And she talks about how the first year of science will be awful, since she has to take the base year and she doesn't want to take chemistry or physics.

She spends her entire day when she doesn't have school, sitting on my couch on her phone, either offering reptile care help to people on Amino (which is a great thing) or playing games. And I can tell you that she would be perfectly happy to do that for the long-term.

My problem is I don't know what she should do next year, and I honestly don't know if she knows what's best either. She is very unmotivated, yet passionate about animals at the same time. I also don't know where the line is between letting her be and gently pushing her enough. As a responsible parent, I can't let her just sit around on my couch for the next who knows how long without any responsibility at all. Yet, getting a job is difficult for her, so if she doesn't go to post-secondary right away, then what does she do?

I know this is a long post. Again, I want to know how to best help her, but she also needs to be willing to help herself. It takes a LOT of prodding to get her to do the things she needs to do for post-secondary, which makes me wonder if she should be doing it at all at this point. If she truly feels it's best to take a year or two off, I am fine with that, but that isn't what she says she wants and I have a hard time having a conversation about it with her. We're getting into the second half of the school year, so time is running out. Any thoughts would be helpful

Karen

It is a little difficult to give advise over the internet. But the role of a parent is to provide a safety net. A young bird leaves the nest for the first time and spreads it wings. You want to be there to help her if she falls flat on her face. Pick her up and let her try again.

Aspies in my opinion do better with hands on experience. I went to the University and the structure was very theoretical. But Community College is more hands on. So I suspect she will thrive a little better in a Community College setting. Some students go to school at a community college for the first two years and then transition to the University for the last two years. That might be a good approach.

Many Aspies fail to make the transition from academia to work. They obtain their college diploma and either fail to find their first job or enter the workforce and find that they either do not like the career path they chose or cannot get along with their co-workers and drop out or cannot meet the demands of the job. I consider working to be an essential tool, equal to a school education. To start out with it doesn't really matter where she works but a job is a critical path for her to achieve her independence. Working as a volunteer can also count.

I began working at an early age (part time during the school year and full time during the summers). I became financially independent at the end of my first year of college. I worked my way through college. I encouraged my children to begin working at an early age at around 13 years old. Looking back that was the right decision.

Hi Jimmy and thanks for the words of wisdom. Honestly, I agree with ever single word you said. I believe that it would be best for her to either take a year off or do the community college animal care program first, maybe taking the one-year program over two years. Then, with a little more maturity and life experience, she will be in a better position to know where she wants to go from there.

The problem is, I don't just want to say, "This is what I think you should do," and push it on her if it's not what she wants. On the other hand, I am not sure she is a a level of maturity and experience to actually know what would be the best course of action for her at this time. And she doesn't take any real initiative to consider her options, do the research, and make an informed decision without me nudging her to do so. Does that make sense?

I can understand that it can be frustrating. Not sure I have any good answers. Sometimes I think there are two approaches to raising children. Some parents get very involved in raising their children and providing them direction. Other parents take a laissez-faire attitude towards child rearing. I am not too sure what is the best approach. It may depend on the child. I get fairly involved in their decision making process but as they reached their late teens, I took more of a hands-off approach so that they could develop their decision making skills.

But I always made sure they understood deadlines and the importance of meeting deadlines working towards goals. And discussion goals often was very important.

Thanks again, Jimmy. I have always been a somewhat hands-off parent, which has worked well for my NT DD, who is very mature, motivated, self-aware, and self-disciplined. For my ASD DD, this approach may not have been the best, now that I look back on it. However, we are where we are.

Last night, while we were waiting to ring in the New Year, I decided I would talk to her about it. I simply told her what I felt was best, making sure she knew that I was having a hard time because I didn't want her to think I didn't support what she wants or push her in a direction she wasn't interested in going.

We talked (as much as I can have a conversation with her LOL) and she agreed that college is a better choice for her right now and that after that, if she is still interested in zoology at the university, she can transition to that program. So, college it is. I will still move there with her and she agrees that it will likely be best to take the 1-yr program over 2 years. So, she will do up her application today and we will see where it leads!

Happy New Year!

My thought: asking her if she wants advice or executive function assistance.

It drove my parents nuts that I was seemingly reluctant to adult. In retrospect I was avoiding overwhelming anxiety. I did my applications barely, when I got responses I wouldn't open them, I didn't prepare, although I had good grades, it was so hard to concentrate in lectures, relate to others, care for myself etc. and I dropped out at the beginning of the second semester, it drove my parents crazy that I didn't know when I'd return or what I'd do next, I stayed home and did puzzles, I did go back (a year later) and graduated (with many, many exam and other extensions). In retrospect I would have like my parents to gently offer to help me find something to do, even if it was making a list or sitting with me... Oh, well. I'm sure I yelled at them to leave me alone b/c I didn't want to face my anxiety... Women tend to internalize it I think. Tough stuff. Now in my late 40s and I am just starting to externalize it and seek to manage it better. It's a long road for some of us. Well worth it.

SharonB, thanks for your input. I have actually offered to sit down with her and help her learn how to organize herself, take some time to consciously think about her day each morning, and find whatever way works best for her to function best. I have encouraged her time and again to seek help with executive skills and studying at school to no avail. I have asked her if she would be willing to see a counselor or someone to help her with social skills, executive skills, etc. Again, she says no.

A few days ago, I asked her if she would be willing to go see someone with me, and maybe her dad. I told her that even though she didn't feel the need/desire to get some help, I need help. I need help to know how to help her effectively because I am uncertain of how to do it. She said maybe. So, we'll see.

Ultimately, I would hate to find out down the road that she really felt similar to how you felt, that she just internalized everything and tried to make it through on her own. I think she really believes she's fine, but she has also led a fairly straightforward/simple life an she is comfortable with her environment. Post-secondary is going to come as a shock and I'd like her to be at least somewhat prepared.

Wow, that's really great of you! I'm slightly awed (I don't want to lay it on too heavy, but I appreciate your self-awareness from afar).


Exactly. So she'll need support then for sure. It's kind of like having kids (perhaps you would relate?)... a person doesn't really know what it entails until it happens! They can be prepared beforehand to some degree, but won't "get" it until the moment arrives.

I am your age and recently diagnosed. I "pass" as non-ASD in part due to being female and having high intelligence and it's been awful. It's very frustrating to feel good about myself (just myself), but then be constantly misunderstood, perhaps not self-aware and unable to know when or be able to get help in the "real" world --- that leads to depression quickly and severely (in relation to others).

I like the way you are thinking. I didn't see it coming either (post-secondary stress) and didn't understand it ... until 25 years later. You've put it out there so I agree with your plan to prepare yourself and be there when the moment comes for her. She's lucky to have an understanding and supportive stepparent. And if I may be so bold --- you are lucky to have a stepchild like her b/c you are going to have to expand yourself in directions you didn't expect and be wiser for it.

Thanks so much! And just to clarify, I'm her mom, not her stepmom. She has been mine from day one!

It's been really interesting since we got her diagnosis because I can look back over her whole life and it all makes so much sense! All the little quirks, like being afraid of the automatic flushing toilets when she was little (I would have to hold my hand over the sensor so she would use it), her lack of personal hygiene (something we are still struggling with), her simple and only way of dressing, her need to load the dishwasher in just the right way, the way she washes her hands so thoroughly (you'd almost think she was a surgeon LOL).

Anyway, I really appreciate your input

Oops, sorry, I was mixed up.

Then you are both very lucky. (making the best from challenging circumstances)

Thanks!

I think you've gotten some really good insights so far. So glad you have a diagnosis.

It is really easy for ASD individuals to feel overwhelmed, and anxiety is pretty epidemic in teenage girls. Put them both together and there isn't much choice but to take things slow. My (mostly) NT daughter gets trapped in the "I want to do it myself" and "I'm too anxious to move forward" box, and I've found there isn't much I can do. One thing that does work is siphoning off small, doable tasks. That allows her to do it herself without having to face too many barriers.

It sounds like you have a good plan at the moment. The community college equivalent, and a drawn out time frame, make a lot of sense to me given where she seems to be at. You could also look into some volunteer work with animals and let her know when an opportunity sounds good for her. Remember to siphon it off into small, doable tasks; one step at a time.

I wish you both luck.

Thanks DW_a_mom. Yes, I agree that dividing things up into small tasks is best. It is so tough watch her always think she can handle things, when literally YEARS of behavior/consequences proves otherwise. And she is very emotionally flatlined, so I don't really know if there is a lot of anxiety brewing in there or if she just can't express it or a combination. I do know when she is really anxious about something, say a project at school or her grades, she will have a meltdown, which for her is a lot of crying. When I ask her why she's crying, she says I don't know.

Anyway, she is submitting her college application, probably today, and we will see what happens. It will be an eventful year!

As an aside, I am a feeling and emotional Aspie, I feel and see EVERYTHING, there are a couple like me in my ASD support group, however many may be like your daughter --- they are crying (or flapping their hands) and say they do not feel anything, have rarely felt joy or despair ever (I know now that I feel these many times a day). One man did say he was "stressed" as he sat stoically with tears running down his face. In any case, I also wonder that this "type" is having the same physical reactions (BIG) as my "type". When I was young my mom would say I was upset and I would say I was not and she would really bug me. Was that her or me? And now I realize that my moods are super driven by my hormone cycles and I forget sometimes. (Best to write the college application when ovulating!) Ah, Life's mysteries.

We had to do exactly the same with automatic toilets.... and plan most of our trips around places that didn't have self-flushing ones!

Really? That is something isn't it? I just thought it was pretty normal at the time, even though my NT daughter never went through that "phase." I didn't even think about it when she was first diagnosed last August. It was only a few weeks ago that I had an aha moment.