How to help my son?

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Hi, need some help or advice on a situation that is very likely going to get a lot worse.

A bit about me. I'm confirmed autistic(aspergers diagnosed in 2015) and have 2 boys, very likely both autistic too.
My eldest child(who is 5 years old) is so like me it's unreal. He's definitely on the spectrum, around the same level as me maybe slightly more. Although there are slight differences, like sensitivity to light and sound are at different levels etc.

Anyway, we're in the process of getting him diagnosed for it. It's taken 2 years to get to this point (f covid), but now the ball is rolling.
We received a copy of the report the school had to fill out this week and it's as me and my wife had long suspected and feared. He plays almost explicitly alone, there's one or two boys he may play with from time to time, but its very rare. And none of this is because he doesn't want to, he desperately wants to play with the other children. In the report it states he does not know how to interact with the other children and and they don't know how to deal with him.

I saw with my own eyes for the first time yesterday a child that thinks he's weird. picking him up from school, walking back to the car one of his peers passes him with his mum, my son calls out to him really excited to see him and you can see on the boys face, he REALLY didn't want to interact with him and only said hi because his mum forced him to. My son now pulling on my hand asking me to go faster so he can catch up and play him and me almost crying trying to hold him back because this child really doesn't want to play with him.

And all this is the start of what I fear is something much worse. If its anything like my experience in school, he'll be bullied and beaten and called all sorts of horrid names and i'm so desperate to stop it before it starts.

I can't for the life of me think of anything that is going to help him. He has such a big heart, he's honestly a lovely lovely boy and what is to come is going to absolutely rip him apart.. as it did me.

I think getting him a diagnosis and IEP may be a good help. I'm one who myself was never diagnosed but probably on the spectrum, my son was born in Michigan, we lived in Indiana for 3 years and he was diagnosed there and got a lot of support with late milestones starting at age 3, and it got him all day preschool... We moved back to Michigan when he was about 5 and he's had an IEP all the way through and is currently 15 in 10th grade. Indiana is pretty good with IEP and autism support, I can't say that about Michigan. My son had things pretty good through childhood, adolescence is a different story.

I'll also add that around his age 8 his mom and I divorced, and it had to be but it's not something he really ever processed and it's among the issues he's kept bottled up, and adolescence combined with the isolation of the pandemic have been really bad. So in summary: IEP good, divorce bad, pandemic bad. Avoid divorce and pandemic! LOL

I feel like in a way it's a matter of learning skills that come naturally for other people/kids. I believe it can be done, honestly for my part I feel like that's some of what I had to do after my own divorce in order to end up in a good second marriage, I feel like I got it figured out, and I feel like things might in the end go better for my own son if I'm able to pass on my own lessons learned.

I have to admit that I was similar in that I did not find making friends easy. I would just stand and watch, and at the age of 5 a situation arose where I was not taught for an entire year and put in a room by myself to just sit there as a teacher had a dissagreemwnt with my Mum. (My Mum didn't know).
To be honest, I would have done far better if I was home schooled though in some ways maybe not. Hindsight is not an easy thing.

I will write more again.

It would be good if your son did find a friend who got on well with him. It is not easy to find, but it is not impossible either. Lets hope and pray he does.

Last edited by Mountain Goat on 27 Apr 2021, 11:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

One bit of advice I can give is to hve your son put down for assessment sooner rather then later as the waiting list to be assessed is quite lengthy.

I do believe now that despite the efforts of tallented teachers and I also did make a friend now and then in schooling life, I was kore of a loner and yes, I got bullied.
It was also the stress of being in the school enviroment which effected me. In the past when I was in school there was the slipper and cane so we had discipline which was good because classrooms were normally quiet. (Not always). Many noisy childrens voices bouncing back and fore was torture for me especially lunchtimss if it was raining. I would be outside in the rain hiding* getting soaking wet as this was much preferable then the torture of being in a noisy hall. Todays schools are noisy so are far worse.

[* Hiding from teachers who would send me into the hall if I was seen outside the hall getting wet].

I would have also saved myself from much stress and anxiety if I had been home schooled, let alone bullying for being different.
The bullying was often subtle where one was made to seem inferior to others. I was always the last to be picked for anything and often excluded. This was common and a way of life.
Also there was the open bullying which though was not quite so common, when it happened I could not fight back, so I would often take a beating and I could not move my body quick enough or co-ordinate my aim in a crisis to fight back. My only possible defence was denied to me and it was to kick, as I had very strong powerful legs, but I know that if I did kick I would have easily broken other kids legs, so I did not se that option, as my parents would have really come down hard on me had I done so.

My mother would have really been excellent at home schooling as she is very tallented and thinks in similar ways. If I am found to be on the spectrum, she is as well and so was my aunt and grandmother (Their mother).

I was often told off by teachers for not talking.. For being too quiet, and just to be in school I was masking heavily. I was petrified of being found out foe masking, and sometimes I was when some stimms were discovered and I was told off for having them. This was the hardest part mentally as I would spend months watching my every body move that I made, and then I would get told off for not concentrating in class. Of course I was not concentrating. Just constantly ,onitoring my every bodily move was more then I could handle. Mentally exhausting!

I got on well when I had teachers who did not mind my subtle stimms.

It all then fell apart when I moved up to secondary school which used loud bells or buzzers, and the constant room changing and having many different teachers etc., at a much larger and busier school which meant more bullying...

But for me, the worst time of my life was when I was in technical collage (CCTA) because I was in soo much stress, and later I had the whole class turn on me. I very nearly jumped straight through the glass of a large upper room window in a building to make my escape if a lecturer had not walked in and told me off for standing on the desk. (He did not know what I was going to do and why).
The exams in collage I took (And I did not mitch college despite me failing) I did not concentrate on as all my thoughts were to finish the exam as quickly as I could so I could make a quick exit to avoid the class bullying me, so not surprizingly I failed half the subjects I sat. I did not want to go anywhere near that place again. The only reason why I carried on was because my parents would not be happy with me if I did not go, and if I mitched (To avoid being bullied) and my Dad found out he would have told me off, so I felt trapped.

It is why I put up with soo much bullying in school and collage, because I did not want to dissapoint my parents as they wanted me to do well and kept saying how important it was to do well etc.

I have to say now I am older and wizer is that as long as one learns that exam results are pieces of paper. If one got 0% or 100% it does not make a difference. What DOES make a difference is what one learns while being there.

Sure, it is nice to succeed in ones exams but in reality, it does not do anything other then help one get ones first couple of jobs. After one touches about 25 to 30, employers only really want to know ones experience. The exam results are only taken as a brief guide.
What is far more important are things like "Can one work hard?" "Is one trustworthy?" "Is one polite and courtious with customers?" "Is one respectful of ones boss?" "Can one work well unsupervised?" Things like that.

You are the one in the best position to help him. This can be done through your instruction about situations he might not perceive adequately yet. For example in the situation you described, you might have held him back and explained that the other boy had expressions of disinterest and that he needs to learn these to avoid triggering discomfort in others.

A dispassionate and analytic approach can be useful in providing instruction to help a youngster learn to navigate social waters. If one is guided through hostile territory, one may find fewer scars that if one is thrown in and learns through painful experiences.

A few things really helped my son in his school years:
1. Having an EIP that kept the teachers informed of my son's unique needs, gave me a team to pull together when a problem arose, and put the school on watch for bullying.
2. Attending a very diverse school with a strong culture of inclusiveness and respect for individuality.
3. The fact that my son's ASD gave him creative gifts that were attractive to other kids.
4. Having a carpool that allowed a very popular child to get to know my son well enough to appreciate his gifts.
5. Me being active as a volunteer at the school, allowing me to be aware of what was going on and also giving me an "in" with the other parents, with administrators, and with teachers.

Some of these are pure luck, but others can be crafted, allowing you to mold the world around your son just a little bit so it becomes a friendlier place for him to live in.

In so many ways the world is much better now than it was 30-40 years ago, with more pockets of culture that try to teach children to be inclusive. Children will be inclusive if they get the right signals from the adults around them. Choose a school with an inclusive culture and attracts families who believe in diversity at every level.

I also wouldn't be so quick to hold your son back from other children because you worry he is annoying them. Other parents can become your allies in teaching their children to see your son's positive attributes. Your son can't make friends if no one is given the opportunity to know him. It's a tough call, because we want to protect our children from those who will be mean, but sometimes we do need to sit back and just observe for a while so we can truly understand the dynamics.

Have you thought of social groups or martial arts or sports?

Dear thoriffic - I’ve been where you currently are. I home educated my son. That alone, made all the difference. Seriously. Nothing is set in stone at this point. No matter which path you take in raising your son, he Can have a good and a happy outcome if you stand by him and continue to support and totally believe in him. I’ve walked the long path that this entails and can sincerely say “Believe in him ... your son ... he is truly worth it and will surprise you in ways you can’t imagine at the moment.”

An IEP is an American thing. It's an "individualized education plan."

They must have something similar in Wales.

Don't keep him away from the other kids. Most kids, especially at the young age of 5, are able to be encouraged by teachers to accept a kid who is "different." It's the teacher's job in an inclusive setting to do this. Most kids, especially with guidance, are able to notice, amid a "disability," that a child with a disorder has gifts, too, and has something to offer.

My youngest son had an IEP throughout the entirety of Early Education(both public and private schools in England) & Home Education from the age of 6 years. He then went through the lengthy process of the new EHCP while being home educated at 16 (Education & Health Care Plan) as he grew older and moved into College & University from there, with great success. I should point out, that in this day and age, Home Education doesn’t equate to “shutting a child off from his peers” ...

For further reading ...

Anybody who has been homeschooling more than 20 minutes knows that the most popular probing question from the masses is: ‘And what about socialization?’ This is an especially bothersome question for families of Aspies who want to homeschool. Since lack of social skills is one of the hallmarks of the child with AS, people naturally assume that keeping a child home instead of exposing him to the social climate of school will just worsen the situation. The reverse is true, in my opinion, for the following reasons:

1. School has people, but that doesn’t make it social. In fact, it is usually fairly anti-social since kids can be very cruel and bullies seem to be an ever-present part of the school experience. What is social about exposing our children to daily torment? Nothing. AS children are natural targets for bullies and the situation frequently results in a tantrum, depression or violence, all of which could have been avoided by avoiding this ‘social’ atmosphere.

2. Homeschooling does not mean denying social experiences. To the uninitiated, homeschooling conjures a picture of cloistering your child at home all the time. For most homeschoolers, nothing could be further from the truth. There are trips to the library and the park, gatherings with other homeschoolers, and lessons and clubs that tie in with the child’s interests. And we still live in neighbourhoods, still have extended family and friends, church, etc. Homeschooling does not mean restricted movement but rather greater flexibility.

3. Social experiences tend to be more positive when done through home education. As homeschooling parents, we can monitor social gatherings to keep them positive. That is, we can pick and choose the activities, watch for bullies and intervene, head off other kinds of trouble, and teach our children with spontaneous social lessons ‘in the moment’, (or make a note to discuss things later). In short, we are on deck. Finally and perhaps most importantly, we can steer our children gently homeward before sensory overload undermines the whole event. In school, our kids do not get the luxury of this kind of protection or customized teaching. It’s usually a case of ‘sink or swim.’ Our kids tend to do more sinking than swimming.

4. Homeschoolers may get more social opportunities out of their day. When we homeschooled, my son was in the comfort zone of his home surroundings for mornings of academic work, and that still left him with some energy in the afternoons and evenings to try other things. Parks department classes, bowling league, swimming lessons, and Boy Scouts were just some of the things he tried. When we stopped homeschooling and put him into a regular school, however, these fell away. He was too burned out from the school day to do anything else, and quit all outside activities. Although he’d wanted to try public school and did fine academically, the trade-off was that he gained some very negative social experiences and lost some very positive ones.

5. The idea that our kids need the classroom experience of having positive role models around them every day is suspect. It’s true that positive role models are better than negative ones, but just placing our kids alongside peer-age, so-called normal kids does not mean that they will intuitively pick up on proper behaviour. In fact, more often than not, they will not pick things up intuitively. Things like social graces, body language and speech pragmatics must be consciously and deliberately and specifically taught, bit by bit. Unless the child has a one-to-one aide to provide full-time tutelage in these things and allow ample rehearsal time, not many skills will be picked up. Contrast that with the home environment, where the parent does have the time and patience to teach these things and can provide a safe place for rehearsing them.

6. Finally, we need to measure by a different yardstick. Our AS kids do not typically need or want the same level of social interaction than their neurologically typical peers do. Not everyone wants to be surrounded by others all day long, have large parties, or a dozen friends. Many of us(self included) cherish solitude, are happiest in our own company and function better with fewer social interactions. This is not abnormal, only different, and it should be honoured. It is far better to have a little interaction and look forward to more another day, than to have too much interaction and suffer devastating consequences.

I certainly wasn’t advocating “full-throttle” interaction.

It’s more like I was advocating that your son not avoid interactions with other children in an absolute sense. Especially if the avoidance is caused by notions of inevitable failure in these interactions.

I’m fortunate, growing up, that interactions weren’t forced on me.

I am thinking about being in school. When I was 4 the whole class was asked to one childs birthday party and I was dropped off for the evening at a hall, and I spent the whole time being bullied by one kid in the class who used to regularly bully me, but I did not interact. I did not even eat the party food. I just wanted to stand in the corner out of the way.

I noticed that as I got older, seemingly everyone else was asked except for me when some kid had a birthday... But this suited me because I did not want to go.
I did not like having birthdays as my parents would try to make a fuss and I would have to invite a few kids, and I had no one I wanted to invite as I was a loner. I did on occasions have the odd person to invite, but most of the time they did not come. I rarely had anyone come when I invited them. But I did not like having fuss made of me. I just wanted a quiet birthday to play by myself and maybe my brother.
The best birthdays I have had I just went to a nice seaside or countryside place and went for a walk and a picnic with close family. I never have liked parties even though some I have been to (Like wedding parties) I have sometimes enjoyed... But I would rather not if I had a choice. It is not that I don't like the people. I just don't really like the fuss if having lots of people and fuss...

Am I different? I don't know. I understand others liking parties. Actually, some events can be fun. But... I guess it is because there is too much noise and busy-ness? Maybe too much going on for me to deal with? I am trying to understand myself as I write...

Thoriffic - welcome to WP.
here is my answer on how to help your son:
Watch and listen - then act. Your son is not you and you are not your son. I also wanted to protect my kids from the pain i felt in school - in some cases I did this well in others not so well - but I suppose I did better than not doing anything.
Being "a part of" has pluses and minuses - being "apart from" also has pluses and minus. Seek to help your son find his balance between these two basic human needs. Be open to how your son is similar to you and how he is different. Where he is similar you man be the best parson to help him because you can relate to his experience in a way many cannot - this is an advantage. You may also find that where you are similar are most challenges - I could teach my son nothing about team sports - and the social rules, skills, and opportunities connected with them - because I new nothing about team sports and knew none of the secrets to success. To protect him from bullies, and to teach him both power and discipline I did encourage him in martial arts. He worked well with a kindly instructor and ubtained black belt (by local rules) - and was able to avoid physical bullying as a result. Verbal and social bullying can be harder to avoid.
Where you are different you may be able help him by showing him the way - pointing out the path. In all events you are older and have had more time to learn from the school of hard-knocks. You may also be different, in some ways by nature.
This may also challenge you because it may be harder to see things from him point of view - or empathize with his pain.
In the same way your wife will be able to help in some ways you cannot and may find here self confused by what might be obvious to you. There are strengths in being similar and weakness as well. My wife and I are very similar in some ways and very different in others. Where we are the same we are sometimes comfortable because of the sameness - but in certain challenges we are challenged equally - when the chips are down we are both down. In out differences we struggle at times bumping heads - at others pulling apart or playing tug-of-war. However one is stymied, the other may be able to step in and save the day. Like Jack Sprat and his Wife, between the two of us we lick the platter clean.
While your son is young, learn all you can and try to level the playing field for him. You may at times be able to educate the school people - and at times they may defy your attempts. They may also be helpful allies when you don't expect it.
I could babble on but that is probably enough for today.
Don't give up and keep coming back.