My 17 yr old with autism is cyber stalking girls

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Hi,
I'm new and hoping someone can help.
My 17 year old boy, who has been a sweet gentle soul for his entire life, has become very inappropriate. He became girl crazy maybe a year ago. At some point in the past 8 months he started messaging girls on social media, mostly facebook. Some of the girls he knew through school or family or mutual friends and some were/are strangers.

He became overly fixated on two consecutively to the point where he became depressed and super anxious, missing school and work. When the girls cut off contact because he was hounding them - dozens, even hundreds of text and facebook messages - he became angry. He began insisting I "fix it", talk to the girls or their parents and "make" them be his friend. This culminated in him becoming somewhat physically threatening with me, his mom, and threatening suicide and to run away.

I've had numerous people discuss this with him - his dad, step dad, grandfather, male cousin, therapist, respite worker, etc, etc. I guess he just doesn't believe any of us that "no means no" and that he's scarying these girls. In addition we've pointed out that he won't get what he wants this way ever and he might end up in legal trouble. Nothing deters him.

He's been hospitalized once for the night in a pysch hospital after he totally lost it and he's on anti-depressants now. They seem to really help his mood and he's been doing okay but I just snooped on his facebook tonight and he's back to messaging dozens of girls he doesn't know, telling them he loves them, ignoring every "no" and ultimately telling one to "f**k off" when she didn't want to be his friend.

Alot of girls and kids try to be his friend out of sympathy. They get that he's impaired and try to explain the error of his ways but he nothing gets through to him.

Any ideas?

Autism *is* Asperger Syndrome.

Threats of physical violence and suicide shouldn't be downplayed.
I am a bit surprised your therapist has left you to handle this situation. In my humble opinion; he needs professional help before this becomes a permanent thought process.
There was another young person on this forum who was obsessed by a celebrity and nothing anyone said deterred him in the least. He suggested his attendant would be responsible if he ever became violent.

An individual that believes someone else is responsible for his actions can get scary fast.

Are you sure he should continue to be allowed online when he refuses to accept what everyone is telling him?

For his own protection, take away his internet access. Otherwise, he's going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person one of these days, and there will be police on your doorstep.

Thank you everyone for getting back to me.

It's all snowballed so quickly that the severity of it is just barely sinking in.

I've had the crisis team out to the house twice when he threatened suicide and became intimidating towards me - the second time he was taken to the hospital. He calmed down fairly quickly, started meds and spent a few days with his dad before coming home, so they weren't too concerned. I don't know if they fully grasped the stalking piece. The psychiatrist believes he suffers from depression and anxiety and that because of the autism it's manifesting itself as rage and obsession. He said once the depression is decreased the rest should resolve.

I can't get him to resume therapy but he's complying with meds and monthly psych visits for his med checks.

I thought he was doing a lot better - the anger was totally gone - he was apologetic. He really wanted this last girl to forgive him (they been friends since they were little) and promised he would never ask her to be his girlfriend again or obsessively text or ignore her "Noes". I told him if he gave her a month or two of no contact, she might be receptive but he had to give her space.

He seemed to accept this. But in the past few days his anxiety has been ramping up and tonight he had a minor melt down and he brought up the girl again with the old urgency - anger was clearly bubbling and I was afraid he would lose it again. Luckily, he agreed to go to his dad's house.

I took the opportunity to check his social media - he's back at texting all kinds of girls and young women, ignoring their boundaries and expressing this entitled anger that frightens me - it sounds like one of those guys - like that young man who drove into the crown of college kids in Northern California last year.

You are right - I have to take him off of social media - zero. But I'm scared - will he attack me? Will he run away in the middle of the night when I'm asleep? He did this one time - went to a super market and looked for someone to take him home - he's very, very naive. From the research I've done, it doesn't seem like there are any great treatments for cyberstalkers.

I could make him stay with his dad for the near future but it's all so sudden - it seems cruel. He normally only sees his dad a few times a year (due to his dad being somewhat abusive in the past) and is with me the rest of the time. But I'm afraid of him - I think the loss the internet is going to trigger a lot of rage - it's pretty much his whole world.

It's surreal. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is my son. Will I ever get the kid I knew back?

I'm praying when he returns to school he will meet kids who are receptive to his friendship in the special ed classes he's going to be in - this all started because he wanted a girlfriend and he only knew neuro-typical girls in his former school and they weren't interested in a disabled kid. He's not asking for sex but rather pleading for friendship. He's a 6'2", 200lb ten year old and I think in his mind he's not a young man capable of being scary - he's a cute little boy who can get what he wants by asking a million times.

There is a book that I have seen people recommend called, 5 is Against the Law, which I have not read, but is supposed to be a clear explanation for things you are not allowed to do. Maybe something like this would help.

Alternately, I wonder if curating what women/girls on the Internet say about stalkers might help, so he gets a little Theory of Mind help.

I would run both these ideas by his therapist and make sure this is safe and a good idea to do, given what else is going on.

In my mind, knowing that this is not considered a successful tactic, is disrespected by others by making him look desperate, and is scary -- are all things he ought to know, but you have to make sure it is safe, and that it would not somehow make him redouble his efforts or get depressed or angry from it.

For some that would be enough to know, but I could see someone else responding very easily by thinking something along the lines of what else is he supposed to do, b/c he wants a girlfriend and can't get one. The ultimate goal of course is to let him know, gently, that he is not entitled to a girlfriend, and that the response to not getting one, is to learn to be OK without one.

The other thing I would want him to know--is that being that desperate for a girlfriend (In addition to stalking issues) presents other problems. I know many people who are so desperate to be pair-bonded that they lower their standards and will go out with anyone. So, it really is a life-skill for everyone to know that other people are going to be picky, and they ought to be picky, too ---and that being comfortable as a single person is important.

Wait...you started out by saying he is a "17 yr old" and then you said he is "ten." Exactly how old is he?

If you are going to go the route of taking away his internet, I think you are going to have to have the internet removed from your house as a whole. He will figure a way around it if not. I also recommend you have someone with you who is able to physically intervene if necessary.

I would also hesitate to bring him to a jail, for the same reason Yippy noted. For as much as I respect and support our police, it has become a scary world, and a large, threatening man--even if he is really a boy--is potentially going to evoke a defensive response from an officer if anything ever goes down.

You said the one girl has been his friend since he was young. Would there be any way she would be willing to speak with him face-to-face with his therapist present?

That makes sense. I had hit submit before I meant to anyway.

Take away his internet access, his phone, everything. Minors don't have a right to the internet. If he runs away, deal with that as a separate issue. Until he's 18, he can't do anything. Maybe put a tracking device in his shoe just in case.