my exp., social at school royally unfair + mom’s advice unre

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For me, it was around 4th grade (age 10), and you figure out that this is a really high stakes game, and you can be excluded for seemingly the smallest of reasons.

And my mom’s advice just wasn’t realistic. I’m sorry, but it wasn’t.

One thing that helped was that both my boy scout troop and my judo team were each in separate school districts. And even though I only did so-so socially, at least I didn’t have a school rep following me and dogging me.

I'm confused, sorry. I don't understand your post.

What is a high stakes game, and what advice was unhelpful?

I don't think parents really know how to help, especially if they're NT. Socialization wasn't as hard for them when they were growing up, less chance of losing, so they took much of it for granted. In fact, some can't even imagine just how much there is to lose because they never fell that low in their socialization. It came naturally, or they learned it subconsciously. Each individual really is on their own.

Please understand, I'm now 58 years old, a generation older than many parents.

I mean, school is brutal.

Kids do mean things. They're ingenious at doing mean things. Perhaps what even hurts more, is freezing kids out. That even if a kid who's middle in the social hierarchy wanted to reach out to the excluded kids, the risks are too high. It's like, if you are kind and decent to a person accused of witchcraft, you too might be accused of witchcraft.

Then my Mom gave advice like, try to invent a game which is hard but not too hard.

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When I was in 6th grade (age 11 and 12) the school system basically abdicated responsibility. We rotated among 7 classes, but did not have a homeroom teacher nor a teacher which took any kind of overall responsibility.

That was the same for me. Kids that age are less tolerant of anything outside of the social norm. After that I was always an outsider. I had 1 or 2 friends at any given time after that (if I was lucky).

The coin of the realm for successfully socializing seems to be slightly under-trying. That might be weird and paradoxical, but it seems to be the case.

This is one reason why I think it's good to have sports, hobbies, church, temple, mosque, etc, etc, unconnected to school, if you can pull it off. It gives you multiple venues which might work out.

I'm also really interested in the idea that highly successful people might have three parties lined up on Friday night, and might not even make it to the third one. But makes it much easier to light-touch each event.

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Perhaps someone should tell kids that most workplaces are not as mean and harsh as school.

Always good to learn how others experienced it all.

I think you mean to say that socialization is a high stakes game? I don't remember ever thinking of it that way, but as noted in this thread, that may be because I wasn't as far out on the fringes of it. Either that or I was obliviously unaware of just how far out I was (I was shockingly oblivious to a lot. Still am).