DuckHairback wrote:
I didn't want babies. I'm deeply pessimistic about the state of our species and our ability to manage the climate crisis that is upon us. I did not want to bring a child into a world where I suspect she will have to see wars over basic resources and societal collapse. I believe this civilisation has peaked and things are going to get very bad, very fast.
Nonetheless I find myself the father of a child. An accident. After 12 years of relying on precautions to avoid pregnancy, precautions failed us. It happens. No genetic testing. I didn't know I was ASD, my partner didn't know she was ADHD.
My preference was to not have the baby, but ultimately that decision rests with the mother who once pregnant, experienced a change in her feelings and she insisted it would be born.
I was a reluctant father right up until the moment the doctor put my daughter into my hands, at which point I experienced a change in feelings of my own. Suddenly I understood that I loved this thing more than anything else in the world, more than myself, and that I had to protect it at all costs.
Raising a child is the most significant thing I've done with my life. By some distance. I take it seriously. It's been the source of the greatest happinesses in my life, but also the greatest sadnesses, the strongest anger, most overwhelming frustrations, my deepest fear. Basically, when I became a father, the emotional volume of my life was turned up, way beyond what I ever thought I could cope with. I've aged far more than the 7 years she has.
Sometimes I look at her and remember that if it had been my choice, she wouldn't exist at all. But I try to keep that one in the vault.
And I practice cognitive dissonance with her, so I can have a conversation with her about her future where she's become a doctor, or a vet, or an artist or whatever she wants to be that week, without crying and telling her how sorry I am that her world is utterly f****d and that I'm doing everything I can to change that but it probably won't be enough because there's too many people who resist change, even when it's in their best interests to do so.
People have children because they're biologically compelled to. And (for most) the compulsion overrides all intelligent analysis of the wisdom of doing so. The lizard brain is suppressed, but it still calls the shots. It's both the reason our species is so successful, and the reason we're doomed. Sleep tight.
Aww she’s lucky to have you. My parents say they care but nothing as much as you care about your daughter and obviously actions speak louder than words. I’m jealous! But yeah sucks that you didn’t get any choice but I guess it worked out in the end? Least you handled it well. I would be so pissed.
Yah most of the time I think basic instincts win over logic and in the moment impulse and lack of control dictates everything. Thank goodness for morning after pill or I would have so many kids and no way to look after them all.