4-year-old daughter exhausted after school

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My 4-year-old comes home from school so tired that she just wants to sleep. She is too tired to do anything. We spend all our afternoons on survival mode these days. And I can recognize the exact same thing in myself: when I come home from work I go almost nonverbal and I am one wrong comment away from shutdown. My situation is a lot luckier and I can quit my job when my pride allows me to, but my daughter must go to school.

She's the type of aspie&ADHD that nobody could ever tell. I am sure she masks her way at school and that might be part of the problem.

What can I do? We live in Spain and all kids must go to school, home schooling is not an option. Would shorter days help? Or therapy? ADHD meds? Or a change into a calmer Montessori school surrounded by nature, chickens and silence? She now goes to a city school in our neighborhood. She is only four and it breaks my heart to see her going through this. She says she's never happy and just always sad. And I feel like the school is the root of the problem. But will it be the same with all schools? Has this happened to anyone else? Any tips, help, experience, advice, anything really, is much appreciated.

All-day school can be exhausting even for NT kids (really, preschool is mandatory in Spain? I didn't know). I would definitely try moving her to a less intense program with shorter hours and/or more naps.

How is she doing otherwise? Being really tired can be a sign of health problems in some cases.

There are two potential areas of concern. The actual class and the social environment. Both may be impacting your daughter. A private school might be an option to experiment with. However some may even make things worse.

A less rigid school may offer some possibilities such as one on the Montessori or a Summerhill model.

Just because she can mask well doesn't mean that environment is for her. You're trying to fit a circle into a square really. I would be sending her to a school that suits her more which is autism friendly, if there are none then home schooling with private tutors would be a last resort. The problem is the school, the mainstream system doesn't cater for children with autism.

Honestly because she's so exhausted in a mainstream school she's most likely not really taking the information in because she's just trying to exist in that environment to begin with, I would send her to a different school, nothing to be ashamed about either because that way she's actually going to learn stuff and not be exhausted all the time.

It's not her fault she has autism and is not fitting in, it's just how it is, try to make life a bit easier for her is all I can say as you know she copes better in a quieter slower paced environment. All the best.

If you can try different schools to see if a different one might be a better fit, I would do that.

While it can be difficult to pinpoint the exact issue, it is most likely something in the environment. At this age figuring out exactly what tends to be a process of trial and error, unfortunately. Young children usually haven't yet learned how to figure out for themselves what bothers them, and have even more trouble verbalizing it. Stress can come from something as seemingly silly as wall colors or as distressing as bullying from other children. General noise levels, teacher disposition, what the toilets are like, and so much more can be a trigger list.

Stress is exhausting, whatever the source. Hence, my suggestion to start with environment. Even though there could be other reasons, I consider environment most likely.

I don't favor trying to medicate a child when the issue is the environment, not the child.

I personally believe that most ASD children can do fine in mainstream school IF they find the right school. Some areas don't offer much choice, but others do, and I would keep trying new locations until you find one that is right for her.

If she truly has ADHD, meaning you are confident about this diagnosis for her, yes I would explore medication. And keep in mind that you may have to experiment with different medications and doses.

My husband has Asperger's and he just goes to sleep when he is overwhelmed.

I suspect if your little girl is needing a nap daily she does need some kind of change. A shorter day would probably work well if you are able to do that. If not, I would try to get some kind of accommodations for her so that she is able to opt out of or change the things that are most challenging for her.

My guess is that if she is challenged too much with things that may not matter at this point (for example, sitting in a circle and clapping to a little song, looking at people's faces when they speak, table manners), she may not have the energy to work on more important developmental steps (attending to herself in the bathroom, communicating what she needs, knowing what to do in an emergency). So if you get her excused from more stressful things, her day may improve and she can focus more of her energy towards enjoyable and important things.

Take this for whatever it's worth.

Does you kid like the school? No real drama? School not calling? Teacher not burning down your email box?

School is flat out hard for all kids at that age, unless you go to a total 3 hour play based only preschool (I'm in the US). My non autistic kid would come home and take a hour nap from kindergarten to high school right after school. Hell, I zap out for an hour after a busy day.

I'm saying don't superimpose how you feel after a tiring adult day on a 4 year old. Watchful waiting can be your friend here. Growth spurt makes kids tired. New anything can wear them out. Maybe she's really active during free play.

If she's not coming home in a pile tears daily, play protective new mom and do a little snooping. Ask the teacher how's your kid is doing. Can you volunteer for a one time thing in the classroom and see how it's going? Talk to other parents or keep your ears open to classroom chatter. You'll find out if the class is a hot mess.

If your daughter is eating, drinking, getting a good decent amount of sleep at night, nothing over the top at school going on, the conking out at home would not be a huge huge flag to me (my situation). I worked in after-school child care, and the kindergarteners and 1st graders would all be half dead after a full day of school the first two months

I know in Spain, culturally it's a late night society. 9 pm here means bed. My Spanish friends it means go out and have your evening meal. Lol. Are you a Spaniard or an expat? Culturally their expectations maybe different from yours.

I wouldn't jump on the ADHD issue right now, because if this is situational, meds stop working after so many hours anyway. You kid can be on meds, and want to nap.

Good luck! 4 is a fun age.

I can sympathise. My daughter is 8 now and the school is just *starting* to accept that her needs are different from her classmates. They are so reluctant to consider neurodiversities at any younger age because kids develop at different rates and many grow out of stages of difficulty. That's probably wise - or at least the most practical approach we have at the moment - but for those of us who know our kids and what they're feeling (perhaps because they inherited it from us) it feels like you're just being pushed away.

We felt 4 years old is way too young for children to start school so we did homeschool until she was 6. It's not a panacea - our daughter is extremely resistant to learning from us and actually asked to be sent to school in the end.
I've always wanted my daughter to go to a Montessori but can't afford it. Just because I think they have a more individual approach to the kids.

My daughter has always been more angry than sad but I know how hard it is watching your child grow up seemingly having less fun than the other kids. It breaks your heart.

Masking is exhausting so if that's what is going on with your daughter then I think shorter days might help but I don't know how you'd achieve that. There will be better and worse schools, I'm sure, but ultimately they're factories installing the curriculum into kids brains so they know what to do in the next part of the factory. I have very mixed feelings about my daughter being in one.

Have you considered putting her to bed after school, then getting her up again a few hours later and letting her stay up later than most children would? We get very fixated on 'normal' ways of existing and what I've learned with my daughter is to respond directly to her needs and a better routine emerges naturally, rather than trying to impose a 'normal' routine on her. So if she's tired, let her sleep a bit and she may be refreshed and be able to handle a more interesting evening - that might be better than trying to push through the afternoon in survival mode. Just an idea.