I think my son is autistic, his therapist thinks not

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Hi everyone. So in our family we've been on this road of being on the autism spectrum for a while. I'm on the spectrum, my husband is on the spectrum, we've both experienced a lot of trauma since childhood. Our son has sensory issues and struggles with emotionally regulating himself. He has severe fearful fixations that he deals with almost daily. We were able to get him screened for autism, but because he is 4, the doctor said that because he knows his letters/numbers and can speak, he isn't autistic (common, I know). But the doctor did feel like he has "extremely bad" OCD, social anxiety and ADHD.

We were able to get our son in to see a play therapist once a week, but his therapist feels like I need therapy more than my son does (I go to weekly therapy as it is). My son's therapist felt like he is extremely intelligent, doesn't have social anxiety or OCD, and is simply manipulating and taking advantage of my mental weakness (her words, not mine). She felt like if our parenting style was more "old school" with more structure and punishment, he wouldn't be so "bad". This makes me feel horrible. It's my feeling that our son is autistic just because of my experience as a kid being really similar to his. So I've simply parented him the way that I would have appreciated being parented as a child. However, if what he needs is an extremely strict parent, I guess the therapist is right in that due to being autistic and the trauma I'm still dealing with, I'm not capable of being that way.

In my eyes, my son struggles being around people (he has selective mutism, says he hates going where people can see him and look at him, says he doesn't like people) and if he doesn't get enough stimulation (he loves physical activity like running and swimming) he has thoughts of self hatred. My therapist also feels like my son is autistic, and so does his pediatrician. He's had these problems, and a lot of things you would associate with OCD and anxiety, ever since he was an infant. Due to that, his dad and I spend every day with him but still encourage him to get out of his shell, going out on excursions and on playdates, etc, a few times a week. We prioritize regulating him so that he has the best opportunity to have a good day, so to speak. For him, that means tons of physical activity with a lot of quality time. When he gets enough physical activity (ideally daily or every other day), for the most part he does pretty well but he still has one or more shutdowns and spells of fearful fixation or hateful thoughts a week.

So I just don't know what to do at this point. His therapist thinks that we're making him "this way" but I think that we're supporting him and he would be having a much worse time if we weren't doing so. I am fearful that if I take her advice, I will traumatize my son. But I also worry that if I don't take her advice, I'm not doing enough for him or not doing the right thing. Sorry if I'm leaving out pertinent details but there's so much to get into.

Hi Former Child, sorry to hear of your difficulties regarding your son. Being autistic and having had 3 children myself I can appreciate some of what you are going through. In my experience, being 4 years old and being the parent of a 4 year old is generally a challenging time.

They say from ages 2+ is the 'terrible two's' but everyones experience is different. It could be that diagnosing a child at the age of 4 is a lot more difficult than say an 8 year old or a teenager, I imagine the behaviours and markers that psychologists look for when assessing a patient may change depending on the patients age.

One example is that during my own diagnosis, I was asked about my behaviour as a child. I found that I was able to recall only events from my early teens and a bit before so I asked my mother. Turns out she took me to a psychologist when I was 2.5 years who diagnosed me with 'hyperkinetic disorder' (in the 70's this was what they called ADHD in UK). Apparently, this can be one of the key markers in an autistic diagnosis.

I think I wouldn't worry much about what medical staff say at the moment unless you have a specific reason to do so. May be wise to see how your son develops in the next few years and revisit the prospect of diagnosis, particularly when there may be more behaviours to assess. They say that each autistic person is different in their own way. It just may be easier to diagnose your son when he is a bit older. I do know that children in general seem to develop best when they are with other children, albeit with a sibling or regular contact with other school children in terms of their social development.

It may be useful to bring our children up so that they are able to communicate effectively with other people throughout their lives at school and once they leave the nest. I imagine this includes learning to be moderate, perhaps some level of self discipline and to display fairness to others. Saying no may be useless without a reasonable explanation. Being a parent is not easy and nobody should expect perfection. If at first you dont succeed, dust yourself off and try again. I will not have been the best parent in the world, I was an absent (part time) farther for half of it. Two out of three of my children still speak to me though. We can only do our best.

One final thing, dont forget about having quality time out for just you and your partner. It is essential for your own mental health, which can only be a benefit to your children.

kuze

My son was diagnosed with Autism at age 12. When he didn't talk until he was 4, we got him evaluated, but he wasn't diagnosed with Autism. Instead he was diagnosed with ADD, ADHD. I was told when he was finally diagnosed with autism that he was so high on the autism spectrum and that was why he wasn't diagnosed as autistic. He has high functioning autism or Aspergers. I assume the same thing is happening with your son. He's being labeled OCD and ADD probably because he either is very high on the spectrum or is not on the spectrum at all. Just adding my two cents as a mother who has a son that had similar issues as your child.

I would feel the same way.

I'd seek a second opinion. And a third one. Always evaluate the outcomes of various advice, including long-term, and follow what really helps, regardless of labels.

Structure is probably good, strictness may not be. My daughter under a strict teacher went from odd-and-sometimes-struggling to fully disabled. She was 8, recovery was long and laborous and I relied mostly on my own intuition. It worked, now she's odd-and-sometimes-struggling again. Under "old school parenting", she becomes disabled again.

Adressing your own trauma is absolute priority. Caring for yourself is caring for your family. Without your own sanity, you won't be able to effectively help others. That's also something I can tell you from my own and family experience.

I feel strongly that you've hit two dud professionals so far and need a different therapist.

It may be difficult to get an accurate diagnosis at your son's current age. My son was tested at 7, and I honestly don't think he could have been accurately diagnosed earlier. We knew something was up, but professionals kept sending us in different directions, including the "it's you, not him" route. I remember being so frustrated, not knowing how to get them to see what I saw. You know you son better than anyone else; don't let them talk you away from your instincts. It may be helpful to wait a little bit so that the developmental differences can come into sharper relief. Highly intelligent kids can mask well, but there are some tell tale signs. Part of the testing for my son, for example, was an IQ test, and the scatter among the components was astounding, which is a solid indication of ASD.

I know there is a lot of pressure for early diagnosis and intervention, but that tends to matter most for very severe cases. It won't be until your son is in a formal school setting and in need of accommodations that having the right label is likely to become critical. Meanwhile, I would focus on him, respond to what your own eyes and ears are telling you, and let him be who he naturally is just a little bit longer.

With my son now grown, I feel like all my biggest mistakes came from me letting other people get in my head about what I should be doing and focusing on. Once I discovered he was ASD and got a decent understanding of what that meant, I got all those voices out of my head and everything in our family improved by leaps and bounds. I can look back now and know I did a good job; my son is grateful, and successful, living an independent and productive life. The "its you, not him" folks were dead wrong. Shoot, all the opinions I got before he was 7 were off the mark. Your situation may not be mine, but it could be, and I would prefer you believe that than follow any of the current advice it seems local professionals have given you. You'll know when you have the right answer, I do believe that.

I wouldn't focus on any diagnoses right now but focus on his symptoms and issues he has he needs to work on. I would also find a new therapist if she is blaming you for his behavior. A 4 year old is too young to be manipulating their parents this way. I don't think a kid that young would be capable, they are only capable enough to manipulate to get their needs met and this is normal for any child.

You will drive yourself crazy if you try to get your kid labeled right now.

I think you need to consult with several specialists. And only then make conclusions.
Frankly speaking, your specialist's conclusions are a bit strange.
But you are responsible parents and you care about the well-being of your child. That's commendable.

Absolutely. It would be nice to have a label, but if you identify the problems and work to address them, the labels will take care of themselves.