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This is my first post and I am hoping you guys can give me so coping ideas. I have a 6 yr old daughter with ASD. She is very bright and picks things up easily. However, she is extremely aggressive and cannot do anything without me. Not like I have to do it for her, she just needs me in her line of sight to function. I have only been away from her for 2 nights when I my son, 5 years ago. It's at the point where she can only go to school for 2 hrs a day. The whole time she is there is melting down and being aggressive to staff & harming herself. I literally spend my days just sitting around being on call for her. She will not even allow her father, my husband, to watch her so I can shower. We have started her on prozac and recently added abilify. She has also had years of intense ABA. Nothing is working. Are any of you the only person who is allowed to be with your child and how do you stay positive? I don't resent my husband, he tries so hard with her but she wants nothing to do with him unless he's swinging her or throwing her in the pool. Any coping activities would mean so much to me. Thank you

Hi and welcome . My youngest son was the same, right down to not lasting more than a couple of hours at most in school as you describe, before the phone would ring. So sorry you’re going through such a stressful time of it.

Your daughter’s “Sense of Self” is completely tied to you at this age & she’s basically controlling you, in an effort to keep herself as safe & secure as she can. With our autistic children, there’s no in between. They will take control if we don’t. To loosen these constrictions she’s placed on you means tightening the routine initially, but gradually loosening her need to have you by her side to this extreme.

I’m not into ABA due to the fact it doesn’t accept that the “state of being autistic” is natural for those who are on the spectrum. I have taken some elements of it, in terms of understanding & managing behaviour, using calm, autism-friendly guidance & care.

The aim is to loosen your daughter’s control over you, by allowing her to manage herself within the safety & security of the routine you’ve set for her. Does she have a set, reliable routine from morning to bedtime? Her anxiety levels due to school sound as though they’re heightened right now. I wound up deciding to home educate my youngest, as he simply couldn’t cope in private or public schools. I’m not saying this is the answer or something you need to consider, but if there isn’t consistency across the board in all settings that your daughter’s trying to operate in, then things are unlikely to change.

Your daughter’s not coping in school, but are staff ensuring she has a “safe place” to retreat to if she becomes overloaded. Are they ensuring she has support(one on one aide) to ensure transition from the time she arrives at school to leaving time, is predictable. The “Self” of a 6 yr old child disintegrates with change & unpredictability. She’ll be basically fighting for survival due to what she perceives is a chaotic environment, if there isn’t calm, predictable communication from those who manage her.

When she comes home from school, even if there for a couple of short hrs, she’ll be wound up like a tight spring, in dire need of release. Things like a mini trampoline, swimming(as you mentioned) and/or some other activity that allows her to release it, are important.

Do you struggle to get her ready for school in the mornings? How is her sleep?

Again, sorry life is so difficult right now. It does get easier as time goes on, as children mature, but it could be that some simple changes might help, meanwhile.

You might try some rather basic techniques such as trying to extend the time she can bear your absence. For example if you are able to be out of the room for only two minutes before she pitches a fit, you might conduct a trial where if she can make three minutes, she can get a reward like some ice cream. If she sees that the objective is for her to improve her control skills, she may even participate like an athlete try to improve their performance.

It may also be possible to use negative reinforcement such as a time out sitting on a chair where she is only allowed out after having been quiet for an increasing period of time.

I had my son once sit on a chair as a consequence for pitching a fit about being bored. I told him that we had books, toys, and he could play outside. However, he had the responsibility to occupy himself and that he couldn't make his lack of imagination my problem when it was his. He asked how long he had to sit on the chair. I told him until he could think of something to do.

I cited the biblical example of the riot in Ephesus by the idol manufacturers. They came to a halt saying to themselves that they stood in danger of being called to give an account of their actions. The presence of the Roman Army was a powerful incentive to self-control. Likewise, we have required our children to be able to give an explanation for their actions. We differentiate between a meltdown which is just an avalanche of emotions and short lived as opposed to pitching a fit as an act of "terrorism" on others. An "after action" assessment of a fit would involve exploring what alternative actions could have been explored as simply losing self-control is both lazy and ineffective.

I'm glad to read Juliette's post since she's been through the same thing you are. I'll throw out my thoughts but since my situation isn't quite as close I would assume Juliette's advice is probably stronger.

My ASD son was clingy, but not to the same extent. Your descriptions remind me more of my daughter, who is not ASD but has extreme anxiety, although we didn't know that when she was young (would have saved us a lot of trauma, but, also, no parent gets everything right).

Routines and familiarity seem to have always been extremely important for my anxiety ridden daughter. My ASD son needed predictability, but was fine varying from routine as long as he had adequate warning and knew what to expect. He did not take easily to new people or situations and could not be separated from me as an infant or toddler, but had moved out of that before he became of school age.

I think baby steps is the best way to transition. When I absolutely needed childcare for my son as an infant, I hired a nanny and shadowed with her for a week before leaving my son with her alone. It did the trick, but he definitely needed me to be there at the right time at the end of the day.

Remember that your child is reacting to some sort of fear or pain, and the best solution is to take it seriously until she can have comfort with the new situation. Sometimes you have no choice but to cycle through a lot of trial and error to figure out what kinds of protocols you need for your unique child. Even with baby steps it can be really stressful knowing you are telling your child they can't have something they feel they need; I remember the anguish I would often feel trying to figure out childcare, weaning, sleep separation and all those other stressful milestones. But the more I worked to figure out what the real need was, and was able to meet it while also transitioning to get where we needed to be as a family, the better it went.

I honestly don't believe this is the type of situation ABA or a school can help you with. Not that they will never offer a useful suggestion, but I honestly can't think of a single one I got when my son was in his clingy stage. Trying to deal with it the way someone else told me I was supposed to inevitably just caused both my son and I more anguish. The thing is, each child is so unique, and the only person in a position to know your child's needs well enough to gently address those needs without increasing anxiety is you. I know it sounds like a heavy burden to stick on you, but it can also free you. Ignore all the outside voices and focus on what your daughter is trying to tell you. Your answers will lie in truly understanding what is driving her behaviors, and understanding alternative ways to meet her needs.

I learned when my son was young that there were no short cuts. Everything issue I had to work through with him was going to be a long haul investment. I had to be patient, I had to spend the time to figure out what he needed, and I had to patiently and consistently (and unemotionally) apply whatever protocol I felt was the most likely to be successful. Once I got used to making choices for a long haul, carefully choosing protocols that wouldn't overwhelm me, things got easier.

I'm nervous about medications, but I can understand why you would want to try them. Just be careful because they can have unpredictable effects in kids. I was lucky that my worst issues would start to turn the corner just before I was about to break. So we never got there.

My son is 25 now and my daughter is 21. Both are pretty amazing young adults who know how to structure their lives to minimize the negatives of their conditions. You are in a time where so much more is known about ASD, which can be a good thing, but I also sometimes wonder if it makes it can make it more difficult when you have a child that has complicating comorbids like yours most likely does. There are protocols and experts now, but none of them know your one unique child. So free yourself to do what I used to: listen to everything, read a lot, and then trust your own instincts to figure out what your unique child needs, no matter what some other person is telling you (and that includes me).

Every phase really does eventually end; every tunnel eventually finds lights. Well, 99% of the time. You have to have faith your family can find it's way. Believe in yourself; believe in your child. Ignore the time table the world hands you, and do it your own way.

My now 9 year old has rather severe ADHD, sensory issues, and anxiety. I used to think that he was socially gullible, because he was unable to tell me what happened to him throughout the course of the day, and when he did, it never seemed to match what others said. I pulled him out of school and got him doing an Acellus online program (so I did not have to set his curriculum). I also got him an Angelsense device and listened to his interactions with other children when he went into their yards to play. THEN I (and I regret this) did ABA therapy for him for a few months. This is what I learned:

-His anxiety is his worst problem and no one seems to take anxiety seriously. It can be crippling.
-Sensory issues are also a serious problem for a person with differences. Take those very seriously.
-He ALWAYS did or said the right thing with others. He was unable to relate it back to me because of his ADHD. The other kids (and adults) were neurotypical and were lying. This broke my heart. Other people WILL lie to you, without even realizing they are doing it. I am neurotypical too. I don't lie. I was the gullible one.
-He is gifted. This made school and other people harder for him to tolerate. Being gifted isn't always a "gift", it's just another way you are different.
-ABA was abusive to him and was making him into an abusive person. It has been a year and his hands are still red from overwashing and he still has OCD tendencies he did not have before ABA.
-Agree, there are no short cuts. I had to accept that I have a large, stubborn, needy, difficult child, and he will use up every bit of my energy. Every year he is able to do more and it gets easier.
-He does well on low dose Vyvanse and plus 1 mg Guanfacine. The Guanfacine stopped his daily temper tantrums. But I don't know what this would do for an autistic child, or a younger one. I would keep trying things out. There are creative options for kids that are not as heavy duty as adult options. My son also takes hydroxyzine as needed if he has a panic attack. This is just a prescription antihistamine, but it works.

Oh, and my son will switch back and forth from preferring me to his dad. He has preferred his dad for the past couple years, but before that he was very attached to me. To the point where it really hurt my husband's feelings. Your daughter will probably ease off of her preference when she psychologically feels it's safe to do so. Or when she has more in common with your husband.

Things will get easier.