The Golden Commandments of I SHALLS for your ASD child

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I shall be motivated and must not give up finding work.

I shall have potential, am intelligent, am hard-working, detailed and I will not be discouraged by rejection employment letters, competion steriotypes, the bad economy into landing successful job offers. No excuses. I shall learn job hunting techniques, interviewing skills, and seek a job counselor specialized for ASD individuals.

I shall stop reading theory books when I am done university and focus on practical aspects for developing my career from prjoects to portfolios to the REAL WORLD

I shall be realistic, capitalize on my strengths, rebuke negativity, by myself in a conversation, and realize it's time to force the real world in a positive way.

I shall learn to cease the habit of flapping my hands or patting my elbow

I shall not use my autism or ASD as an excuse and shall use it as a priviledge, a power, a precious skill set, an opportunity, an innate talent for high IQ, attention to detail, and creativity.

I shall not be gullible but safeguard myself from narcissists.

I shall aim to be a creative DUDE like Charles Darwin or Bill Gates

I shall not take eccentries personally. I am not handicapped. Eccentries stand out.

I shall achieve success in life

I shall discipline myself

I shall be hopeful

I shall tell myself there is always a way

I shall take a chill pill

I shall adopt the Neurotypical mindset without limits, without borders, without negativity....with HONOUR!


Aspie Discovery

I'm so glad my parents aren't like this. I would be so miserable if my parents bought into this.

You do realize most of the rest of your list contradicts this, right?

Some people make lists to try to summarize or clarify. Often important details can be left out. One can appreciate the intention, but it can be helpful not to take such simplifications to literally.

In the last century our society has transitioned to a number of programmed collectives and as a result people today may be influenced more by such lists, sometimes to their detriment.

Public schools often spend 12 years telling children to shut up, sit down, and do what you are told. This tends to fail to have children develop critical thinking skills. As a result more people tend to take things in on faith as opposed to subjecting them to a critical evaluation. Since so many people are vulnerable to this, those that make lists might want to consider that they could have some responsibility if what they declare misleads someone.

Rather than motivation, you need to develop skills that are useful to an employer.


Yup. Theory doesn't usually translate well into cash.


What?

I was about to respond to this with "Unless you go into academia!" but then I looked at my bank account and rethought the whole thing.

I did give up for a while until I received and took an opportunity to go to China.



The thing is though is this. It doesn't matter whether I think I'm hard working, detailed oriented, etc etc. It doesn't matter how I feel about myself. What matters is if the person who is interviewing you thinks so. If they don't, good luck.

And, what happens when one tries to learn the job hunting techniques, interviewing skills, and one tries to seek a job counselor and you get the shaft and none of the techniques make sense to you and it feels like you're going down a bunch of Alice's rabbit holes?



What if one doesn't understand how to focus on the practical aspects for developing one's career and when one tries to research the information is scant and/or makes no sense to you? And, what if one doesn't know what the REAL WORLD means and what everyone means by this? What if one tries to look this up and again it is like going down Alice's Rabbit holes.



What if what one sees as a strength others see as a weakness?

How do you be yourself in conversation if our True, Natural self is not accepted in the slightest especially by employers? If I can be myself then why am I required to make eye contact if it is unnatural for me? Why do I have to shake hands with a firm grip or shake hands at all? Why am I not allowed to talk to myself in public if talking to myself helps me to get through things and is naturally a part of who I am?

And, if people can be their true, authentic selves then why do black people have to do what is called code switching?



And, Be yourself? Huh? If flapping your hands and patting your elbow is a part of who you are then how do you be yourself and stop this at the same time? This is inconsistent.



Yet, what if it is sometimes a legitimate excuse? And, why is making excuses wrong even if the excuse is based in Truth, logic and reason?



Was it my fault that I was too gullible or is it the narcissist fault for being a predator?



Why? Why do I have to be like them? What's the point exactly? What does it mean a million years from now or 500 million?



Yet, it doesn't matter if you think you're handicapped or not. If others see it that way especially those who have the power to hire you then yes, your eccentricities do matter. Reality exists outside of your thoughts, wishes, hopes and dreams. It doesn't matter what your attitude is.



Looking at the government's bureau of labor statistics what is the ratio of those who are disabled who are in the labor force vs those who are not and those who are not disabled and are in the labor force vs those who are not.

How I feel and what I believe about myself do not change facts.



If disciplining oneself truthfully worked and we were all able to do that then we would have a lot less people who are disabled and not in the labor force.



I refuse to have false hope.



If someone else can point out a way that makes sense and is logical I will listen.



When I realized that my control over the outcome of my decisions was limited and the control over my destiny had constraints I finally chilled.



At the same time as be yourself! How do I do this?

I didn't buy into that rhetoric either.
Most of it sounds ableist and invalidating.

Every child has their own set of needs, ND or not.

Maybe instead of shoving commandments up your child's throat, you'd seek a set of commandments on how to be a good, supportive parent for your child?

I start:

I shall care for my own mental health, adress my own problems first and work on keeping a healthy family environment. Parents too often seem to take this for granted. A big nope, especially with a disabled child in the family.
I shall seek ways to develop meaningful, two-way communication with my child and guide and encourage others to do the same.
I shall seek ways to understand what my child feels and experiences and show my compassion in ways they understand.
I shall encourage my child to be assertive and know what they wants.

Anyone willing to join?

I'm all in favour of developing a sense of restraint if you're autistic, I mean who wants to see an autistic child turn into an autistic adult who walks through the street carrying plushies?

Also, knowing when anxiety is driving the decisions of autistics rather than genuine fear is important to distinguish but your list of commandments sound like "commands" with little consideration for who's subjected to them.

Autism isn't a "precious skill set" "power" or "privilege". It's a horribly alienating disorder that rarely, if ever benefits someone. Autistics are many times more likely to commit suicide as a result, considerably more likely to be unemployed and illnesses like depression goes hand in hand.

Last edited by Nades on 21 Oct 2022, 7:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

You know, my close RL friend, a very popular, successful high school teacher - is autistic and carries her plushies around. So does her boyfriend.
Being eccentric as an adult is not such a problem if you're otherwise good at what you do.

Often it comes across badly. I think for most autistics, sticking their head above the parapets like that usually backfires.

Social isolation and ridicule is already a big enough problem for many so any conspicuous behaviour that makes it worse needs to be discouraged. This is unless they're the rare example of someone who can literally walk around with plushies in public and somehow have enough charisma to get away with it. Being a teacher surrounded by large numbers of kids and adults all day, I assume she's found a way to roll with it.

For most autistics it's a no go. I would encourage any autistic child I had to tone it down.

Yes, she has that kind of charisma. Charisma stems from being happy with who you are and sure of your ways. The older I am, the easier it gets.

I encourage my kids to seek healthy compromises - things not too conspicuous but comforting. And seeking allies and their own ways. Finding an environment where you can be valued for who you are is a crucial part of becoming a happy autistic.
In a place not like that, you can't really prevent bullying for "otherness". You can and should react to possible violence but numerous tiny unpleasant acts are unavoidable. What helped me survive was a deep belief that the bullies were wrong, not me. I try to teach the same to my daughter, hoping what worked for me can work for her, too.

I think middle grounds need to be found with everything. Even if an autistic finds something very comforting or enjoyable, this might not necessarily translate very well to being done outside the privacy of their home in public.

This applies to every aspect of their lives i guess. Autistics just don't develop well. Their sense of moderation and ability to see problems for what the really are is just.....crap.

If a task makes you nervous, avoid it at all cost, even if it's an essential life skill. If reigning in your self comforting techniques makes you slightly less happy, don't do it, even if those techniques cause ridicule and bullying. This is how autistics think ore often than not.

Autistics struggle to be objective when it involves conflict between their autism and reality. They need to be made aware what they want to do as a developmentally delayed individual isn't always appropriate to the general public.

Doing it he way the OP describes seems overly harsh for sure though.

^ I think you generalize way too much, to the point of being offensive. Nothing of what you describe above is a recognized symptom of autism.
Most of them are symptoms of chronic anxiety. Autistics are at elevated risk of developing anxiety but not sentenced to it. Maintaining a healthy home environment and healthy relation to your child should, in my opinion, be the first line of preventing countless small anxietes from becoming a big, chronic, life-long one.

I said in the first post that there needs to be a distinction between anxiety and genuine fear. Genuine fear is more than just anxiety and is usually a response to an obstacle that needs to be addressed and is universal between Nt's and autisitcs.

I meant everything I said in that post though. Autistics seem to be very anxiety driven individuals who struggle with seeing how others perceive their behaviour.

Maintaining a good home life is certainly the best method, but it needs to come with a healthy level of objective restraint if an autisitcs behaviour is putting them at odds with the general public.

*Everything I say broadly speaking*

I have experience of myself and my daughter. I'd say, we both have inner-driven restriant that is quite sufficient - provided we're rested and comfortable enough. So it's a game of finding the best balance between inner needs and outer expectations.

The difference between genuine fear and anxiety is indeed a very important thing, but it can be tricky to find out for autistic individuals. It's genuine fear to avoid situations that are painful to you - and with sensory issues, many "normal" situations can be horribly painful. So you need deeper insight into an individual case to know what you're dealing with.