New here.. mom of undiagnosed 12 year old

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Hello there. I’m new and have a 12 year old who we believe is high functioning. I’m hoping by being in this community of advice, my husband and I can decide whether or not it’s in my sons best interest to be diagnosed or not as we aren’t even sure he believes there may be something different about him.

Anyway, looking forward to learning here. Thanks!

Hi and welcome to WP!

I'm sure you'll find lots of info here.
There's a whole section on Parenting in the forums list.

Having an official Autism label might close opportunities when he gets older.

For instance, one of the smartest things I ever did was some time in the military. The U.S. loves veterans and it looks good on a resume. My understanding is that now it would be difficult for me to've gotten into the military because I have an Autism diagnosis. Being kept out of the military would likely have made my life more difficult.

Knowing he is Autistic, however, allows you to research the topic and adjust to his "differences".

And if he turns out needing formal accommodations later you could still get a formal diagnosis...later.

Get him diagnosed. I knew a boy who was obviously autistic but came from an old fashioned family who believed physical abuse was the best way to "discipline" a child. They did not want him "labeled". Society labeled him instead as "weird", "creepy", "gross" "disgusting", "not right" "sick" in the head" "stupid" and all the other bad labels.

Had they gotten him diagnosed and gotten help for him and taught him that you don't just go up to random women and expect romance right away. He had a very real problem when a girl or women turned down his advances.

He was in a car accident in his mid teens that left him paralyzed from the neck down. If he had he not been, I think he would have been in prison for sexual assault right now.

People don't hesitate to have a child "labeled" as diabetic, epileptic, or any other physical health condition. But if he had gotten a proper diagnosis, he could have gotten the help he desperately needed.

I would weigh up the pros and cons of getting an official diagnosis.

there is a considerable stigma in society about any from of neurodivergence and if your son is able to mask his autism then why make things complicated, especially if he has friends and is about to embark on dating then don't make things complicated for his social or school life.

Hi, we've recently had our 10 year old daughter diagnosed. I wanted to do it because I grew up not knowing, just thinking there was something wrong with me and I didn't want that for her.

As it happens, her school was already making allowances for some of her asd traits - allowing her to wear non-uniform shoes, stuff like that - and there isn't much more an official diagnosis adds to that. But I did want her to have it before she goes to secondary because they might not be so accommodating without some sort of medical proof.

There's a kid in my daughter's class who is more visibly autistic than she is, but he isn't getting half the help she is because his parents are in complete denial about it. I think its better if everyone who is going to be responsible for the child at any time should know all the facts, and also that the child should have a framework for understanding themselves too.

They're not dumb, they know they're different and there's a danger, I think, that without a diagnosis they start to give themselves a hard time about it. Blame themselves for not being able to be like the others. That's what I did. They may do that anyway, but I think a diagnosis gives them somewhere external to their personality to put their differences, if that makes sense.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I have Asperger's Syndrome and as a result I am a High Functioning Aspie. I am also 75 years old and have lived a good life. I wasn't even away I had this condition until around 5 years ago. So what advice can I pass onto you?

This condition cannot be fixed by giving your child drugs to cure or minimize the condition, in my humble opinion. They may actually do more harm then good.
Some people have +s and -s. They are good at some things and poor at others.
But Aspies can have ++s and --s. And some of us have +++++s and -----s.
The best approach for Aspies is to use their unique +s to overcome their unique -s. And live a happy life.

this is contingent on the child themselves. there's a lot of kids who go undiagnosed other than a few weird quirks. We can't be sure the OP's kid falls into this bracket. For the school, the main criteria for support is
a. Is the kid disrupting other students/teacher
b. Is the kid falling in academics
c. Is the kid going through personal mental health issues

A lot of parents are uneducated about ADHD and ASD so might mistake their kids behaviour for something else, and then of course don't have money or going through the ridiculous number of appointments to get their kid diagnosed before their school makes an effort.

My daughter was picked up fairly early in a private (and rather expensive) pre-kinder (which we paid a massive no refund deposit) as she refused to be left behind and stared crying. the teacher made it clear she could not enrol as it would disrupt the other kids and happily gave us our money back and wished us all the best (Hoping to never see us again).

I wouldn't say that was the case at the school my daughters at. But that's the sort of thing that will differ school to school.

Other than that I'm not really sure what you're getting at. Thanks though.

Mainstream schools don't really want to spend money on nuerodivergent kids. Also parents of "nt" kids think money and time teachers spend on special needs means their kid gets less attention.

thus most schools would prefer parents simply move their kids elsewhere (I lost count the number of times teachers or aides in my daughter's mainstream school recommended a special needs school to me). So if parents are denial, then it might be they don't want their child coerced to be moved to a special needs institution.

I thought I would add one other point. It is said that this condition is hereditary. So if you look really close you might find out that you or your husband (or maybe both) also have some of these traits, or someone in your extended family. Many of us learned to adapt and fit into this world. Because we have special skills, skills that allow us to greatly expand our knowledge (high functioning) we figure out how to fit into this world, this very strange world.

welcome! Advice from here would be to go ahead and get diagnosis with complete neurological testing as well as psychiatric, it will help give you access to better understanding of his neurological and the particular struggles he might face. You are still in charge of decisions made after diagnosis, what to do with the information that comes of it, but it will give you resources that might not be available to you if he remains officially undiagnosed. Then if you want to take advantage of programs that exist to support youngsters with autism, you will have better access to those.

What you do with the information from testing will be up to you. You will have a much better understanding of his neurology and have better access to available support if he is actually given a medical /official/ professional diagnosis. Above all, let him know you are all in this together and that you've got his back. the last thing he needs is blame and shame. Kudos to you both for seeking input and advice. Mean time learn all you can about autism and all the ways it can work , you may be surprised at the huge range of struggles and gifts that seem to have their basis in autism.
Your son is very lucky to have such caring parents. Glad you found us.

I think you should get him diagnosed right away. That way, he can get the services that he needs and he will have the peace of mind of knowing why he's different.

Its always best to diagnose as soon as possible similar to any other medical condition.

If you are in the US, not diagnosing him before the age of 21 closes him off from other benefits he can
receive as he gets older.

Not doing that puts him at risk of homelessness and financial ruin.

You know your kid best. Does he think he is different? If so, it might be a good idea to explore what that is. You don't want to risk his immature mind deciding that his difference is something negative.

If it turns out he is on the autism spectrum, you can decide as a family what that means to you. He may not need or want accommodations at school. But there could be some things that bother him that you could then get changed for him, so that he could study more effectively. Keep in mind that his school experience should be a dry run for his adult work experience. You wouldn't want to box him in like a veal calf so he couldn't do anything on his own, but you also would not want his experience to be so hard that he couldn't accomplish his goals.

You're doing a great job coming here for advice. There are lots of authorities on the autism spectrum (I am not) who can give you splendid insight.

Like many female people on the spectrum, I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult. I'm glad to be diagnosed. But I'm not glad that my whole life was nearly ruined and I ended up hospitalized and alone before I was.