Therapy issue for our 6 yr old....

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My husband doesn't think therapy is necessary for our 6 yr old, diagnosed this year with Asperger's. He says all son and dr do is play and son isn't learning, waste of time and $$. I took our 8 yr old daughter in to see son's dr today, she had questions and wanted to see where her little brother had his dr visits and got some coping mechanisms and felt better after being listened to by someone other than mom. Dr suggested she come on her own to have her own sessions since son's Asperger's is affecting us all, after all, we go to parent's meetings why shouldn't she be able to get some help learning how to live with her brother? Husband FLIPPED OUT!! !! !! He started saying he thinks dr is just out for money, he doesn't see value of playdates with dr for son since son is not appearing to learn anything and there aren't any real changes after visits and why can't our daughter just talk to us instead of dr? I think these visits are helpful for our son and our daughter just looked "lighter" after she spoke with her brother's dr. Any feed back? I posted this on members only than realized that parent's forum would be a better location. Has this been an issue for any of you?

Don't listen to your husband. Playing is what your son needs, and while playing I am sure they also socialize. This is doing much more good then you realize. If your daughter also gets involved I am sure the therapist plans to help teach her how to play and interact with him to help him out and to help her out. Your therapist actually gets that therapy should be more about just talking and asking "how do you feel" and thats a good thing.

Your husband sounds stressed and angry. Maybe he thinks your son should just "snap out of it!"

He needs to understand that there is no quick fix. Learning how to relate takes time. AFter all, your son probably doesn't think anything is wrong with him, just that other people don't make sense! (and I hope for his sake he doesn't think anything is wrong with him because that wouldnt do him any good) It takes time to build trust and you can't expect any six year old, let alone a six year old with aspergers to apply himself deliberately to therapy, it is a matter of letting him explore at his own rate more or less, with artful and more or less subtle encouragement.

It sounds like your husband is suspicious of the therapist and that isnt going to help your son come to trust his therapist, is it? If he is in the middle of a conflict between his dad and his therapist that is going to stress him out and shut him down.

I went to a therapist when I was about your son's age. They didn't have a diagnosis for me then, in 1961, but two years of therapy did help and more of it would have helped more. I learned how to conform better, to be aware of adults, but kids my own age still didnt make any sense and I had no idea why or what I could do about it. I think my parents let me quit therapy much too early, as soon as my grades improved. I used to come home from elementary school and watch 3 hours of television every day by myself. I would tell my mother ....I don't know what I told my mother, but the gist of it was that the other kids didn't like me and I was lonely and I didn't know what to do about it, and she would just tell me to use my common sense or something! All I did in therapy was "play" too. What else is a 6 year old going to do? We did a little talking after many months of the therapist watching me play. I thought I had no imagination. The therapist showed me that I had some. He helped me calm down. (my father had told me that if I didn't start behaving myself in school (for instance, sitting on my chair instead of on the floor under my desk or putting my head on the lap of the girl next to me), and if I wouldnt at least try not to wet my bed I would be taken to a psychiatrist, like the dr was going to torture me or something but therapy helped a lot. In those days they didn't have a diagnosis for kids like me, but just making that connection with a dr who mostly watched me play and helped me have that connection....at first my mother had to pretty much drag me up the stairs to his office every week. It reduced my tantrums, he helped me accept that I had to cooperate in the classroom, it helped a lot. I only wish we had kept on with therapy, that I had gotten more help and more self understanding. My family couldn't seem to understand why I couldnt just learn how to catch a baseball or ride a bike or join in with the other kids and they had no idea that so much of what they did made no sense to me or that I felt shut out.

And of course the older sister is affected. My brothers seemed able to just ignore me or scold me, but I have seen that in a neighbor's family. She may have trouble getting enough attention. In later years she may act out herself. At the very least you could point out that helping them both now will save money and heartache later!

My best wishes for all of you.

Clearly your husband has some issues of his own.

If you like, I'll move this to the parents forum for you.

Questions to clarify the issue;

what kind of "therapy" is your son receiving? Is it a brand name of therapy?

what kind of "doctor" is this "therapist"?

I assume you are paying out of pocket for this? Is there a way to have this paid for by any other means?

Does your son receive services through school?

I ask because while I can assume you're paying $$$ for a pyschologist, I don't know that and it would help formulate some advice. I will say that people are reading into your marriage dynamics. I think we can help without "going there".

All 4 of my children saw the same psychologist and I found it to be very helpful for all of them. Two of my teenage sons have AS and one is NT. My 6 year old daughter has Inattentive ADHD and is currently awaiting assessment for AS. It helped for all of them to be able to talk about their own individual concerns and the ones that are unique to our family.

Hello,

I have 3 sons - 9, 7 and 4. The older two have Asperger's Syndrome and both have had psychology visits.

Our 7 year old had 12 weekly sessions. He is doing so well he is now going to go 1/month. He is really happy at school now, with his IEP in place. I anticipate he will need to see the psychologist all through his childhood, with intense periods of therapy at different stages.

Our 9 year old is a much more complex person. Therapy is working, but progress is much slower than for our 7 year old. Our 9 year old is still going weekly, and we anticipate he will need to go weekly for months and months. Again, we anticipate he will need to see the psychologist all through his childhood.

Initially my husband felt uncomfortable with the idea of the boys seeing a psychologist. I think maybe it felt like he had failed as a parent. But as I kept telling him, parents of children with AS need to learn a unique set of skills. The psychologist is teaching us these skills + teaching the children skills.

At every psychology session I go with a list of questions. My husband will add any questions he wants to the list. Then when my husband got home from work, we would sit down and discuss what had happened with the psychologist that day.

After a couple of months, I asked my husband if he would take the boys. He has taken them about 4 times. The first couple of times he hardly spoke to the psychologist. Then the third time he opened up and asked her heaps of questions.

Have you discussed what happens in the therapy sessions with your husband? Has he taken your kids to the therapist? Has he met the therapist? Does he have a hang up about therapists in general?

Has your husband accepted your son's diagnosis.

I know initially my husband was in denial about the kids having AS. Then when he accepted it, he was unsupportive - basically left all the parenting to me.

But I wouldn't let him get away with it. One day I lost my temper and told him he wasn't being a 'real man' leaving it all to me. I told him a 'real man' faces challenges, doesn't just hide. I made him read this website.

http://www.aspiedad.com/about_being_an_aspiedad.htm

My husband is great now.

Good luck
Helen

Thank you for posting the Aspiedad link, Smelena. My husband is an Aspiedad and Aspiestep-dad.
I think he should visit the site.

Your welcome.

I think the guy writes well - like he's sitting next to you having a chat man to man.

Helen

We have a 6 yr old son with Asperger's which was diagnosed during kindergarden, although we knew something was different since he was around 2 yrs old.

We started seeing a counselor/ child developement and parenting counselor while he was in pre-school.

Now, he's getting ready to start 1st grade, and we're meeting with the school to go over his IEP and put some modifications in place.

Also, we will be seeking counseling through a different child specialist and he will be getting play therapy and learning more about himself and that will help, because I know he feels a little different from the other kids around him.

I know it's very expensive....healthcare doesn't cover the costs of therapy. But, we have to try and give him as many resources as possible.... especially while he's young ! !! This, I'm sure, will lead to a much more successful life for him. We'll do it....even though we are exhausting our savings...............Our son is worth every chance to succeed and be comfortable and happy with himself and the world around him.

Good luck, you are doing the right thing. I support you and pray for your family.

Good as these therapies are, they are expensive. Perhaps the husband is worried about being able to afford it, especially if there is any chance that his job isn't secure. It would be a good idea to discuss with him what his reservations are - it would also be good if he could actually talk to the doctor and find out what happens during the therapy sessions.

It's common for progress to be slow rather than sudden, too. He might be looking for fast results so he can justify the expense in his mind. It's also possible he might be a little bit Aspie himself and the idea is uncomfortable to him.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I guess I should give a little background, since there are some questions in several of the posts to my plea for help...DH and I have been married for 15 years, pretty solid marriage (I have long suspected he has adult ADHD or Asperger's). We have 8 y/o NT daughter and our fantastic little 6 y/o aspie boy! Both kids are amazing and I constantly tell them so. Bobby doesn't think there is anything wrong with him (because there isn't!), we stress that everyone is unique and special and has different talents, so that hasn't been an issue yet. I'm worried it will be more of an issue for him as he gets older and sees how different he is from other kids. Molly is a super sister to him, very patient and loving. She understands that Bobby is wired differently than her and I think that helps. We try not to have unrealistic expectations for either of them. Husband is in secure job as a manager at insurance co, has been there 8 years and I just started back to work part time after 8 years as a SAHM so $ is not really issue for therapy as insurance handles a huge chunk and we are handling the rest. I'm not sure if Molly's therapy will be covered but we will deal with that--I really feel it is necessary for her to go. I am also committed to Bobby continuing therapy. Husband is really old school and I think he has a problem with telling someone outside the family our issues, like that means we are not good enough parents because we are not dealing with this on our own. We have a parent's meeting with therapist next week. I hope things will get better from husband's end after that meeting....

Well, I don't see how psychotherapy helps young children who don't have psychiatric problems. That aside, I see both points. I'm "old school" too and yet, I'm receiving Cognitive Behavior Therapy from a psychologist for either depression or cyclothymia. I just don't share that information with anyone but my husband (and millions of online "friends"). He's the only one that needs to know.
If your husband is worried about "what'll people think of us?", then you need to keep it quiet. I agree that others (family/friends) may misinterpret the purpose and reasons for therapy and try and make you feel inadequate. It's really nobody's business.

If it's the therapist he's worried about, well, I can't blame him. But he doesn't have to think about it in terms of "airing your dirty laundry". Rather, he can think of what goals he has for his family and for your son in particular. Bad feelings, negative thoughts are often the result of bad habits, things that can be dealt with much like a math problem.

My husband did not understand the whole AS thing at first either. Our son looked fine to him, so there couldn't be anything wrong or different, right? It took many years for him to truly understand what was going on. Plus, there was about a year where he thought our son was doing stuff on purpose to make him mad. My husband and my son are like oil and water. One day my husband came to me and said, "I think Jay needs to see a counselor." I told him that I thought we all needed to see a counselor, and he looked at me with a shocked look. He immediately denied the notion, but after a week decided that maybe there was some truth to my statement. Shortly afterward, he made some appointments for Jay and himself. After a few appointments my husband started to see the light and has been much better in how he handles Jay.

Also, many therapists do things for very specific reasons. We were taking my son to OT for sensory issues, and it looked like a huge playtime for him, but there was a reason he was swinging in a tight Lycra hammock, or was tummy-down on a tire swing, very close to the floor, trying to pick up bean bags as he swung. These were improving certain skills and strengthening certain muscles, but it all looked like a lot of fun to observers.

Yeah, I got feedback. I think it's helpful for the daughter to talk to the doctor. Your husband seems to miss an important point when he wants the daughter to "talk to us instead of dr". A lot of kids would feel scared to talk to their parents about certain problems, because of the fear of being judged and/or punished. Doctors, on the other hand, are neutral third parties who are good at keeping a secret, and kids are well aware of that. Also, from kids' perspective, parents have unlimited power, while doctors can do only what their job allows them; deciding who's safer to talk to becomes a rhetorical question at this point. (I originally posted this as a response in the Members Only Forum, but I thought it'd be helpful to post it in the Parents' Forum as well.)