Advice Please

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Hi,
I'm based in the UK and my son lives in the USA. He is now coming up to 23 years old and will finish college at Christmas. I've just spent a couple of weeks with him here in the UK and each time I see him I become more concerned about him. He shows many signs of AS - difficulties with co-ordination, isolation, won't make eye-contact, immerses himself in a particular interest at the expense of everything else, generally finding personal relationships very difficult.
He has not been officially diagnosed or ever been tested for AS, but he definitely ticks a lot of the boxes. My difficulty is in how to offer him support - do I tell him I think he may have AS and if so, how? The physical distance between us limits our conversation to e-mail, although I consider we do have a close and open relationship. On reflection, I think he possibly opens up more when he writes to me, but I'm quite concerned about mentioning AS in an e-mail, for fear of him cutting off from me. I guess the main questions there are: would it be helpful to him to have an AS label and if so, how do I approach him with it?
From what I understand about AS, times of change can be quite traumatic for an AS person and so I'm very concerned about what may happen when he finishes college. He does not have any idea of what work he wants to do and I can sense a lot of fear in him about his future and how he's going to support himself. I do have my own ideas of how I could support him and some directions he could explore, but I'm also very aware of wanting to leave him free to choose his own destiny, so I hold back from making suggestions to him. I have asked him what support he needs, but he doesn't really give me an answer - I suspect because he doesn't know.
My other concern at the moment is that his latest pre-occupation is beer - he's got so into it that he can describe the flavours as if he were wine tasting, telling me which hops have been used, the specific gravity, etc, etc. I'm not sure how much he is drinking but I'm fearful that he may slide down this road and again, I don't know how to help. Some of this concern is linked to my own past struggles with drugs and alcohol and his mother also had similar experiences.
Any help or insights would be much appreciated. Thanks.

It's difficult to know what to advise you. I know my sons were certainly relieved when they discovered their diagnosis because it helped explain their differences .... they were only 8 and 6 when they were told.

I think a lot of the older members on this site were relieved when they discovered they had Asperger's because it was an explanation for difficulties they may have encountered, and they discovered they weren't alone.

Have you discussed this with his mother? What does she think?

Perhaps you could direct him to a website that explains what Asperger's is and ask him what he thinks.

Then of course, send him to WrongPlanet for friendship and support.

Regards
Helen

Even when I finished uni, I had few ideas about what I wanted to do and was extremely fearful about the prospect of looking for work. It's very important not to nag your son to find work because that will only make him more scared.

I don't know what services would be available in his area, but aspies often do better when they are with an employment agency that acts as a go-between for them by making the initial approach to potential employers.

Perhaps just send him a little bit of information about Aspergers and ask him what he thinks about it.

I think you should present the possibility to him and let him decide for himself if he wants to have a diagnose.
It's not like telling someone they have cancer or anything.
While AS can have a few negative sides, it also have positive sides.
I think he has already seen the positive, so he should know how to deal with the negative.
If he has managed so far, I think he'll manage anyway, but knowing how to deal with the problems of AS might be helpful.

As for the beer; I'm also a beer aficionado, and I like to sample different kinds and things like that.
Since I have synaesthesia, it's also interesting, since I can see, hear and feel the tastes, leading to taste descriptions like "Blue, vacuum cleaner and cold pizza".
Maybe it's just his special interest?

definitely mention your concerns, but if you can do it in person and have some literature for him to read about it, he may already have his own suspicions but doesn't know how to tell you.

Hi, Thanks for all the replies, it's very helpfull for me to know that there would be support here for my son. In thinking about how I should approach him, it seems to me that it's important to put it across in as positive a way as possible and I'd like to know more about what you think are the positive aspects of being AS.

People with Asperger's obviously are individuals so some of the comments below are broad generalisations that won't apply to everyone.

People with Asperger's Syndrome are average to above average intelligence.

They are honest and have a strong sense of justice.

People with Asperger's often have a special interest and become experts in their chosen subject.

People with Asperger's are often hard workers/determined. They have a good memory for facts.

Famous people in history that are thought to have had Asperger's include Albert Einstein, Hans Christian Anderson, Dian Fossey, Andy Warhol, Lewis Carroll and Isaac Neston.

It is thought that Bill Gates probably has Asperger's.

Helen

Aspergers is heredity. Who in your family could have this trait?

Smelena - thanks a lot for that - I think the list of famous people with AS is quite amazing! I think the info I'm getting is helping me to form an approach from me to my son and I fully tune in with the fact that we are all individuals - I want to help him to find what's right for him without coming across as if I know what he should do.

Nannarob - I wasn't aware that AS is herditary, from what I've been able to find out so far. In fact here is some info that I found recently on the National Autistic Society (UK) web site:
"What causes Asperger syndrome?
The causes of autism and Asperger syndrome are still being investigated. Many experts believe that the pattern of behaviour from which Asperger syndrome is diagnosed may not result from a single cause. There is strong evidence to suggest that Asperger syndrome can be caused by a variety of physical factors, all of which affect brain development - it is not due to emotional deprivation or the way a person has been brought up."

As far as my son is concerned, I have quite a strong feeling that his AS symptoms may well have originated from his premature birth - he was born 8 weeks early and went through a rough few weeks as his intro to the world.

When I was born, I didn't breathe, so I had oxygen deprivation, plus they had to drag me out with a sort of suction/corkscrew device...

Also my mother smoked and had mercury fillings in her teeth, all of which I at some point have heard could be a contributary cause for AS.

If I have inherited it, it must be from my father's side. Mu uncles show symptoms and my father says he recognizes himself in me.