How do you approach the sex issue?

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DD is 15yo and is totally clueless as to why her father and I want to have "alone" time. She has not picked up anything, unless it's pointed out to her and the reaction from her is "Ew!" It has never occurred to her what we are doing "behind closed doors".

Ex. Last night we were in our bedroom, and she's knocking on the door wanting to know what we are doing. DH basically beats around the bush until she goes away. I think he thinks she is too young to just be told, "We are having sex, go away!" I think deep down she knows but has to be told bluntly what is happing. Am I correct? Is she too young? Heck, I knew not to knock on Mom and Dad's door very early on, but of course she is not NT. She has learned about all this sort of thing in school, I'm sure, and the usual school chatter surely must have given her some type of clue, but perhaps not, since she does not grasp metaphors easily at all.

I played along with DH last night by saying I was giving Dad a massage and he was in a "compromising position" with no underwear on. She's like, "Why would you want to look at his butt?"

what does she do about her own sexual feelings? perhaps you can start there "when a man and a woman love each other they want to show that love on a very intimate level. . . " your feelings of 'bla bla bla" are like that and when you are with someone you love you will want to express yourself on that intimate level too, and want some privacy and alone time."

when I was 15 I knew that a closed door was a locked door and what people were doing there was off limits to me and frankly, none of my business. I knew that not everything was supposed to be known to me. Perhaps she has too much access to you guys? I do know if someone told me at 15 that they were having sex and to skedaddle off and play on the computer or something, I would be so embarassed ! not that they were having sex, so much, but because I was so blundering and clueless about it that I made my folks uncomfortable.

oh, yeah, I am an Aspie, and was an Aspie when I was 15, too.

Obviously, every kid, NT or otherwise, is going to be different. With *my aspie, when there's something he realizes he should probably "get", he'll become pretty intent on it until he figures it out. For some reason, your story feels that way to me.

I haven't had a teenager, so I don't have any real worthwhile advice, but I doubt she'll let up until she knows why she should.

annnnddd...... your reply was? roll your eyes and laugh? No wonder she's clueless.
Is she home schooled? Not many friends? In other words if she is, then it's up to you to do it. She won't get playground educatated. A lot of aspie ladies are sitting ducks for those that would prey on them. Just ask, I see a few in here that could tell you the truth. No reason to make her paraniod, but you're not going to be there for her 24/7. It's a damn nasty world out there. But there is that wonderful side of sex, introduce her, she won't break. Might be a bit amazed, but weren't we all.

I might start with asking how she thinks babys are made.

Someone definitely needs to take her somewhere that she enjoys and talk to her about sex in a very relaxed manner. I find it hard to believe that at her age she has no clue. My kids (oldest 16, youngest 6) have grown up in a home where the birds and bees have been discussed openly since the oldest was 6 years old. That was when he inquired as to what sex is while I was driving in rush hour traffic. I very nearly rear-ended the truck in front of me.
Besides the usual remarks that teen boys make about sex and the thought of their mom having sex, they have a very healthy view of themselves, and sexuality in general.
I will tell you that if someone doesn't do a good job of explaining it to her now, she is at risk of finding out from someone who will not have her welfare at heart. That is a hell of a way to learn about something so important. I've been there, I know.

No, she is not home schooled. I mentioned that in my original post. Of course if she was, I know we would have to explain it to her. And I would never laugh at her, because that just confuses her even more.

The thing that floors me is that she readily reads books about it in Japanese manga, but when you broach the "S" word (she can't even say the word without blushing) she gets very uncomfortable with the subject and I have to drop it. She cannot put two and two together and figure it out without it being laid out very clearly in fron of her.

Well, you can look it at this way. There may be two distinct issues here. One of privacy and one of sexuality.
The privacy issue is a matter of being firm about locked doors. We lock doors and if the door is locked, don't worry about what's going on. Explain it's not pleasant to have her asking questions and knocking if the door is locked. She doesn't need to know if you are having sex, quilting or picking your nose.
Does she have a lock? Does she lock her door? I was given a lock on my door for privacy as a teen. I used it for changing and dancing. My brother had a bad habit to walk in on me so I was granted the lock to prevent that.
My son has to be told about "private" activities, though we haven't had to explain "Mom and Dad's" activities yet. But we tell him that undressing and playing with your body parts need to be done in a different room.

As far as sexuality goes, do you have a younger sibling or an older child or some kind of authority figure that she can talk to? She absolutely needs to know about sex and the purpose of it. I totally understand about being so embarassed. Maybe using the Manga to explain that it isn't just in cartoons. I don't know, check out the Joy of Sex book. It has pencil drawings that are more realistic than Manga.

Sorry disagree here, that's playground ed you're speaking of, when it comes to other kids for the information. Also passing the buck and yeah some adults are pretty hung up on it and might have a hard time. The Joy of Sex is ok and I had no trouble with it, but I already knew by the time that came out, the Kama Sutra was another matter, the pictures were sure good though. Been an awful long time, but I suspect some adults might even find the Joy of Sex a bit much for their senses, personal call here. Pictures of some type, excellent idea. I think the old "sit down and lets have a talk" with mom and dad facing you in the living room to be more then ackward. It (my opinion) should be much more relaxed, a bit over time, let them come up with some questions and in an off handed manner. Takes the stress for both partys out. I also think it should be both the man and the womans job to let the kid know it's easy to talk to either. Sometimes a kid will bond better, be more relaxed with one or the other. But important I believe so they know that both are aware of the discussion. Don't leave out the gay part, but that comes later, after she understands the basics. Like I said the world is nasty and I sure as hell am not implying the the gay life style is wrong, far from it. If it were mine to be able to do again I would have brought up gay and in a way that would have disolved any issues that might arise from with in them. But there are those in the evil world that just don't care what sex the young (or old) are. The joy part first. If she doesn't know how to masterbate, it needs to be there.

Whenever questions of sex have come up ( good pun) I have been matter of fact and honest about it, so it's no big deal.

The boys have wanted me to show them my anatomy, but obviously I have refused.

A pregnant friend had a book with photos of women giving birth. My 9 year old (then 7) thought it was extremely interesting and wanted to know if he could come and watch when she was giving birth. He was intersting purely in a scientific type of way.

When we have told them to say out of our room, we have been asked, 'are you rolling around nudie together again?'

My boys are 9, 7 and 4.

Helen

It sounds like DD is at a lower maturity level than her age. Just like my 17 y.o aspie girl, Hr.
We've always told our kids that we are going to take a nap while you watch a movie, read, etc.
Which for them means dont bother mom and dad.
Its not so much about having to blatantly say we're having sex, its about locked doors and respecting one anothers privacy, as KimJ said.
While she probably knows about the act of sex, and reproduction, she may not think of it as part of being a couple. Hr. likes boys and wants to have a boyfriend, but thankfully doesnt think of doing anything but kissing.
The problem is that most nt kids her age are way past the just kissing stage. So, yeah our aspie girls are very much at risk.

I fail to see how a 15 year old talking to someone older than her yet younger than her parents is "playground ed". That's specifically what I'm against.

Though, I will say that playground discussion of sex is the only way I found out about anything. It wasn't too bad because my own parents were worse. They didn't say anything that made any sense. In fact, they were old school, "accept presents from boys and you'll get pregnant". "All boys want is sex and if you go too far it's your fault". When I was 5 and withessed a wedding, my mom told me that's how babies were made. She conjured up an image of conception during the kiss (happening through all those clothes).
Passing around Always by Judy Blume was much better. I wasn't making the suggestion of an older sister or aunt approaching the subject to "pass the buck" but to ease the embarassment of the 15 year old. She might be more open to an authority figure that she shares more in common with.

Another thought: Hr. used to yell mom! if I said sex, so I would spell it instead. That seemed to be ok.
' Its Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing up, Sex and Sexual Health' by Robie H. Harris is a great little book. Cute cartoons and illustrations, very natural and relaxed.

I must have misunderstood what you were really saying. Some how I do that a lot. Gee I wonder why.

I had pictured someone...well age isn't really the issue, it's more the maturity of the one doing the telling, I would guess.

Judy Blume's books gave me an education too . Especially "Then Again, Maybe I Won't", which was about a teenage boy.

My parents never discussed sex with me or my siblings. I found out about it from my cousin when I was 8...she was a year older and had read a book about "how babies were made".

I have no opinion on that, but one way to get privacy time is to install a lock on the door.

This is done at home or privacy times, and I hate that, but people who lock them selves in their rooms are indeed in a quiet zone for privacy.

NB: Intimacy is a private moment, AS or not... (and, it may be good to explain to have times of privacy - i.e. with locked door if necessary - to be able to study/ work/ concentrate on what we do without being disturbed)