How can we avoid &/or handle meltdowns?
Our grandson seems to have meltdowns daily. What are we doing wrong? and what can we do right? Is he wanting attention?
We went to our school's open house tonight and everything seemed to be ok, then he bumps his head getting into the truck - instant meltdown. He acts like it is the trucks fault and wants to get physical with it.
Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!
Deb
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Grandma
We went to our school's open house tonight and everything seemed to be ok, then he bumps his head getting into the truck - instant meltdown. He acts like it is the trucks fault and wants to get physical with it.
Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!
Deb
How old is your grandson? Meltdowns always have a trigger, even when they might not seem worthy of it from our standpoint. Identifying the trigger can be hard. My son has some motor skills and executive functioning issues. Making a peanut butter sandwich for himself (while he *wants to do it) can be a huge source of frustration if he has an especially hard time of it. A torn piece of bread will lead to a meltdown. Friends of mine have kids with sensory issues. Trying to get them to wear the "wrong" pair of socks or into a WalMart can lead to a meltdown. When J was little, he had a hard time verbalizing his frustrations. That, in addition to whatever the original problem was, would lead to HUGE meltdowns.
Every meltdown can be different, and (in my opinion) each should be treated differently. In some instances, it might be best to avoid or remove the trigger. In others, it can be best to help them learn coping mechanisms. And, in some, like when you are stuck in traffic and their favorite tv program is on and you are a big meanie because you refuse to drive down the shoulder to get there in time and now they will miss the whole thing and not know what happened and now they hate you because you ruined their life and they wish they belonged to someone elses family because they would make sure they were home for their favorite program instead of having to sit in this car with people who do not care about him and when he grows up he is going to make sure there is a television with satellite cable in the car so they never have to miss their favorite programs because he will be a thoughtful parent unlike you people unless he can have ice cream when he gets home <breathe>, you tell them to suck it up!
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Me
Mom to J, H, M and C
A family of alphabet soup
I agree with the above.
It is NOT about attention!
It is NOT a nice experience to meltdown.
My son used to meltdown up to 3 times a day - it was living hell! Now, we rarely (two months and counting) see a meltdown.
My son can only cope with a certain amount. Being at an open-house arrangement would "use up" his excess, because of the noise, a lot of people to deal with, smells ect. ect. Then, a tiny thing like bumping his head, could set him off.
My strategies are:
AVOID situations that are too stressful - know what stresses your grandson
Structure and plan all events. Be visual (writing/pictures). Tell/show your child what is going to happen, and HOW LONG HE HAS TO STAY! Plan it so it ends as an all round sucess. Think of promising a reward for managing well.
Don't turn unimportant things into "power struggles" if your son is stressed or about to meltdown. Who cares whether he is 100% polite, if the alternative is a meltdown?
On the verge of a meltdown: distract his attention, take him somewhere quiet, go through his written/visual schedule. Learn the "little signs" that mean he is about to melt down.
If the meltdown happens, there isn't much to do about it. Remove him to a safe place. Some kids like to run. My son settles down if we hold him, firmly - but this is NOT always the case. And try not to be embarassed about him melting down!
My son stopped having meltdowns when he started on ritalin - but this, of course, is only relevant for ids with ADD/ADHD on top of their autism.
I was recommended a book called "the explosive child", by Ross W. Greene, great for parens of "easily frustrated, inflexible children". I wish I had read it sooner!
Good luck!
I'd also like to add this link. I find the analogy helpful to put most meltdowns into perspective.
http://www.assew.org/articles/balancing_the_tray.htm
_________________
Me
Mom to J, H, M and C
A family of alphabet soup
Part of it was probably just attending the open house. I know when I was a teen it ruin my entire week if I had to go anywhere I wasn't informed of 24 hours in advance (or if I had to stay somewhere longer than planned). Even when i had nothing to do I had a tight daily schedule and it really upset to have it thrown off in any fashion.
Then he was probably embarassed by the teacher speaking about him, even if it was all positive and he was there to hear it.
I do seem to have a low threshold for pain and I do get mad at whatever hurt. I don't usually hit it back though, unless I'm in a bad mood in the first place.
Just make sure you aren't yelling at him/hitting him while he's in the meltdown. Wait until he's completely calm and then ask if there is something bothering him. And don't get mad if he says nothing or says Yes, but refuses to elaborate.
While I was at my boyfriends we had a talk about them with an issue that is very important to my Bf, but that they'll never agree with him on. Once that became apparent to him, he went into a meltdown. His parents let him rant/rave throughout the house while they sat there. (when he was out of sight they asked me my opinion on the issue). I remember thinking how nice it would have been if my parents had reacte dthat way instead of following me around screaming at me/throwing out punishments, etc. He was find and back in a few minutes, ready to continue the conversation, even willing to hug his father, who he sees as the sole source of the problem.
Just being at crowded Open House is most likely what did it. He maintained composure in public and seemed ok, but the sensory stimulation was most likely getting to him the entire time. Once he whacked his head, it was an excuse to let it out. My 9 y/o does this all the time.
We've been dealing with melt-downs on a daily basis since school started 2 weeks ago. Fridays are usually melt-down free and so are weekends. No homework to stress about, she gets to play her computer games in the afternoon and "chill out". I know that with her, if she's had a stressful day(and the transition to a new classroom, new school is very stressful for her) she'll lash out with the slightest excuse once home. At home, she feels safe to melt down. All it can take is her excited 4 y/o sister running up to her to hug her and welcome her home, squealing in happiness- and she'll push her away, be mean, and melt down the instant I interfere if she's on sensory overload. She's ultra sensitive to any criticism of her behavior, which includes simple sayings like, "That wasn't very nice of you to do that.... you need to apologize." She'll melt down if she's stressed to begin with.
I've learned that she needs her own space to chill out and decompress after school- or she needs to be able to basically do whatever the heck she wants on her own for a good hour after school: snack, watch TV, whatever- and if she's in a "mood", I have to keep her very pushy, annoying sister occupied with something else. It's hard on my 4 y/o cuz she just misses her sister so much now that school's started and she's home alone with me.
I also use one of my 9 y/o's special interests as motivation for her to complete homework, chores, and behave. I will cution her that if she can't be nice to her brother and sister, she will not be able to play her computer game later. It usually works. We have pretty strict rules about her gaming.
My 5 y/o has meltdowns too. He melts down in similar fashion to big sis, but his are usually a more simple precursor to the meltown. His seem to be completely unpredictable, but more about not getting his way and not getting to do what he wants to do. A meltdown will stem from him simply being told he's watched enough tV and needs to go play instead. He's the kind of kid who would just LOVE to sit and watch TV ALL day long if I allowed it. It's a regular melt-down cause for him. Sticking to a TV schedule is good for him, only allowing his 2 favorite shows after school, then turning it off once they're over. If it's predicatable, he seems to have an easer transition. When he is in melt-down, screaming, crying, thrashing, I tell him to go lie down in his bed and chill out. He has bed tent and it's very cozy for him. He likes that environment and sometimes all it takes is a few monutes in his room, on his own for him to calm down and regroup. We don't know if he is AS or if he may be Fragile X, but Fragile X has many similar symptoms to Autism.
So, my advice is to have a safe, consistent, and cozy place that your grandson can go to "chill out." I would bet a Million bucks that he was on sensory overload after the open house and tht caused the meltdown. If he had not hit his head, he probably would have made it home and been ok, but that knock on the noggin was wnough for it ll to come out. He needs tome away, on his own, where he can just decompress after busy things like that.
He is not seeking attention. I know that with my daughter, if she gets a lot of attention when she's in melt-down phase, she pushes away more. She needs to be left alone to get over it. As you become more aware of the triggers that set off your grandson, you cen help him avoid them and/or will become better at predicting when a meltdown is about to occur and can head it off- or simply suggest to him that he takes time to chill out. Just remember that things out of the ordinary schedule an routine often may upset him and be mindful to pay attention to how he is handling it. Sometimes there will be small signs with my daughter that she is not doing OK, little things, like clenching her fists, she'll tighten up her posture, etc. Look for these little clues or "tells" that he may not actually be doing ok even though outwardly he seems to be.
HE is definitely NOT wanting attention. Was he tired, hungry, hot, had he been there a long time - was he just ready to go? My son is 10 and when younger his meltdowns always revolved around being somewhere that was just too much for him - too many people, too chaotic, too noisy. He could handle those situations for a VERY LITTLE while and then he would get anxious (can we go now?) or something would spill and that would be the end of that event. We have learned to recognize the places we can and cannot take my son. We have also learned how long he can tolerate certain activities. He can play in a noisy, video arcade for hours (what sensory issues?) and yet can't sit in church with us because he says it's too loud. This is a trial and error thing and he often surprises us by being OK somewhere that we were sure he couldn't handle.
Please don't think of his meltdowns as him misbehaving or as an attention getting behavior - he truly needs to get out of the situation. Questions that never immediately worked with our son while he was melting down "what's wrong? why don't you stop that? what can I do to help you? He needed to just decompress for a little while and then we could usually figure out what the trigger was. But this might not happen for hours afterwards. You just learn to pick your battles and somethings you have to just let go.
I homeschool my son so have had the privilege of seeing many "school related" meltdowns. I can't understand this math problem, I can't write on this desk , the pencil makes my hand sweaty, I don't get it and on and on. These are extremely maddening to deal with if you look at it from your own perspective and use our NT brain to solve the problem - except he has an Aspie brain.
Of course, now that he is 10 we have let him know that he needs to work on not melting down (crying, carrying on) like he did when he was 5. We are trying to "nip" the meltdown quickly and help him to have a more age appropriate reaction. He does "get it" and just like with all things it will take time.
Thanks Rachel...thanks everyone! This is such a great site...it just helps make so much sense of something NTs can't figure out.
Yesterday, Z was playing just fine...then something happened - don't know what - and he was upset and ripped apart some stickers his Great Grandma had gotten him....later he explained to me that it's like there is 2 or "him"....the one that likes to get mad and the one that likes to be happy....the mad one likes to hurt the happy one's feelings.
Is this common or should this be mentioned to the dr.?
Tomorrow school starts for him...I pray things will be ok for him....I asked my daughter-in-law if she has talked to him about what to expect, but, she didn't really know herself.
Just hope his parents can get thru the first day without a phone call that he's gotten in trouble already.
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Grandma
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