Newbie - Ready to wring 15yo neck...

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I am wondering if this is more teen angst than anything else? DD is currently taking Strattera and Abilfy. The Abilfy has been a godsend. Before, she was almost uncontrollable. She actually has not been tagged as having AS yet. She has ADHD and OCD for sure.

I'm ready to strangle the kid. She cares more for a dead cat on the side of the road than for her father and I. Heck, I think we could go off and perish and she'd never bat an eye. In her defense, she has built up quite a defense wall because of the misery she went through in elementary and middle school. It's like she has zero feelings for anyone.

Will it get better? She is very slowly starting to make friends at school, but she tends to gloam onto them to the point where they no longer contact her because she makes a pest of herself. She has no consideration for how much things are, and more or less comes off like a spoiled brat at times.

I'm so glad Wiki had this link. I'm about to pull my hair out!

Sylvia, First, welcome to WP. I have found the support and advice I've gotten since joining here has been wonderful. You have to pick and chose what works for you and your daughter.

I am currently raising 3 teenage sons. The 16 year old (Brainboy) and the 13 year old (Funnykid) were diagnosed with AS in February. The 14 year old (Soccerdude) is NT with some major teenage angst going on. There is one thing that all 3 of them have in common, they are self-centered and not too concerned with what is going on with the people around them, as is the case with most teens.
The troubles that your daughter has would amplify this and I have noticed that some girls tend to go through this worse than boys.
She sounds very much like I was at her age. At 15 was when I decided that I would do everything that my mother told me not to do. I rebelled in a huge way. I even went so far as to run away and live with my aunt because my mother dared to tell me no! It is not my finest moment and I don't like to think about it, but how my parents felt was the least of my concerns. And this went on for 2 years. The good news is that I did grow out of it eventually. And so do most other teens.

I think the biggest pieces of advice I can give you is to try not to take it personally. I know that's easier said than done. The other important thing is to make sure you let her know that you love her but there is no way you are going to tolerate her treating people badly. I allow my boys quite a bit of freedom to be who they are. I allow them to make mistakes that will allow them to grow and learn, but I DO NOT allow them to hurtful toward other people. They lose privileges and earn extra chores for being nasty.
I can say that most of the time I am lucky, they are concerned about the welfare of others. I do have my days when I would like to strangle the lot of them. (In a loving manner, of course )

I hope you get other useful advice from other members. And I hope to see how you and your daughter are doing. I also have a 6 year old ADHD, possibly AS daughter and I am sure I will be on here with the same concerns you have. It is starting already!!

Welcome to WP!

Tim

It sure is nice knowing I'm not alone! A couple of other "quirks" I've noticed as time goes on...

The absolute obsession with only one or two things at a time. This is starting to become an issue with school, when she has more than one assignment due. She narrowed in on a book report and completely dismissed the others, which led to a 'C' in that subject. Which brings me to...

Constant forgetfulness. Is this a side effect of the medication? Or selective memory? 'Cause I have to tell ya, when you tell her that you will buy her something that she REALLY wants two years, five months, and 3 days from now, she WILL remember. But to do something as simple as clean her room? Not gonna happen.

I am wondering how to go about finding a new doctor? The current situation is a little irritating, at best. Granted, it is literally around the corner, but still. She has to see two doctors. One simply dispenses the scrip, and the other is the psychotherapist. We have come to a cross-roads, in that we tell the counselor the situation, and tell her that we did this and that. She just repeats the same thing to DD, that we are right and for this reason, and on and on.

I think a different person may help immensley, but don't know how to go about finding someone here in SE Michigan. The school set her up with the current one. Any websites I could surf?

I would suggest contacting a local Autism and Asperger's support group and asking for the names of specialists that can diagnose Autistic Spectrum Disorders. This link looks helpful:

Autism Asperger's Michigan


And here is the Autism Society

Autism Society of Michigan

You have all the skill you need to deal with this:
The usual dynamic is for the child to be much closer to one parent, often to the point of emotionally excluding the other parent. Usually she favors the parent who is most indulgent, or to be more sterile, practices the highest level of “unconditional love.” Unless both parents are unusually stalwart in their interaction with the child this can cause huge problems between parents; so count yourself fortunate in that neither of you is so favored.

The vicissitudes of puberty are well know and of course transitory. But in your case your daughter suffers social disabilities and needs help developing the skills and insights necessary to establish relationships and also to maintain them. The danger is that if she inveigles another child into a close relationship she will then relegate them to the same emotional backwater you now occupy. The “gloam onto” feature is the precursor to this dynamic. You cannot, of course, have this as a life skill and expect much happiness. Your cause for concern is well justified.

What to do. You and your husband have the same status in her life. This is clearly a result of consistent parenting and will be your greatest asset. It’s time to introduce her to the concept of conditional love. This needn’t be a huge transition with associated rules and lists of justifications that will cause little more than histrionic displays of resistance. Be more subtle. Gradually begin treating her as she treats you. Withdraw your support or approval occasionally. Be united in this. You needn’t be petty, but it might require some excursions to that level. You will eventually come to a point where she confronts you. Welcome that day because it will signal she has realized the dynamic of life is a two way street. Your response at that moment will of course be to recite your version of the golden rule (as unemotionally and matter-of-factly as possible) and she will then understand the first rule of relationships. It may take several rounds of this for her to fully internalize the concept, so be patient and consistent. Afterwards you can begin occasionally going out of your way to favor her with some special recognition, the way a caring friend would; the more unexpected the better, small things are best. This will teach her the second rule of relationships: maintenance. I’m sure you understand this approach and your life experience will guide you further. Hopefully she will learn and apply this leitmotif to her other interactions. It’s going to be tough going for a while, especially for you Mum, but what choice do you have?

It was common during my teens for my mother to say 'you care more about such and such(interest) than you do about me'.
Totally self absorbed and out of control too, always raging or hiding away in my room or throwing tantrums when I didn't get what I wanted, usually connected to my interest.
Can also relate to the school issues, only I was only interested in my poetry writing and little else.

If you changed the subject line to "13 year old"...it would be me. I'm going through a very similar situation with my 13 year old aspie son. He is the sweetest, most caring child 80% of the time...I have 3, he's the oldest...but he has begun cursing when he gets mad...F this and GD that. He has even become violent with me...pushing and hitting when I try to send him to his room. I am divorced and he goes to his dad's on the weekend. Not much help there really. He is very, very remorseful after the explosions...but I'm really at my wits end. You never know when it's going to happen. We've been dealing with this since kindergarten, when he was diagnosed. He's going back to the neurologist next week. We'll see what happens.

After his last violent explosion last week, I came back to this board (where I go when I need to read that he's not the only one out there like this)...and I then decided that I would introduce him to the board and let him read what other aspies have to say and what they have done when they encounter situations like he has found himself in lately. He will be registering tomorrow so he can interact with others on the forum. I really think this will help. He seems very interested in it. I have been really glad that you guys are here....even though I've been just lurking around for the last year! Maybe you could try that with your 15 year old, Sylvia. Good luck.

Our daughter (17) was dx with add at age 10 then with as at 14.
Research online, books and now this fantastic place has given me lots of much needed insight on aspergers. It really helps to know what and what cannot be expected from our aspie.
We try to make our home stress free so she can be her aspie self, not feel as if she has to conform to the nt world. There is no trying to calm her down, or scold her during an outburst, that will just cause things to esculate. She will always have the last word, will not back down and has at times cussed, thrown things, and pushed or hit.
Better to let her have her say, let her calm down in her room, sometimes she even falls asleep. When she seems ready I ll try to find out what has happened to frustrate her. We will talk about why it is inappropiate to cuss and be violent. Even if she answers 'I dont care!', I dont scold her in the heat of the moment. Its not easy but she needs a few minutes to absorb and process.
Lists, schedule charts, step by step written instructions on how to do a specific chore and advance time warnings seem to help a lot- "you have 5 more mins on the computer", or "in 5 mins its time to feed the dog". She will fuss, but she does comply.
Small rewards and privleges given right after task works well. The opposite is helpful also, all I have to say is "no computer today", works almost everytime
We use humor whenever we can- try to get her see the funny side.
As far as friends go, Hr hangs out with younger kids. She just started 11th grade and eats lunch with 9nth graders.
I talk to Hr about aspergers and she has read books and been on this site to gain insight about herself. Hopefully she will be ready to join soon.
There has been a lot of trial and error with dealing with Hr. Most days do not go smoothly, but thats the norm for us. It takes a lot of patience, but any extra effort is worth seeing her more relaxed, less volatile outbursts, more talking and more smiling. She has got the cutest laugh!