Are anyone's autistic kids like I was at their age?

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I sometimes feel like all parents of autistic kids on this forum say their children are miserable, life is a daily struggle for both them and the adults, and if there was a cure the parents would give it to them in a heartbeat. I feel sometimes like there are no children on the spectrum who are like me when I was a little girl - which was usually happy. Sure I had a few odd traits and anxieties, but people just saw that as a part of my being an "artist" and I had friends and did well in most school subjects. I was allowed to be myself even though I would not be diagnosed with Asperger's until I was an adult.

Of course, it was when I became a teenager that things started heading downward, thanks to suddenly being forced to act like a teen when I had no clue how but was supposed to know naturally.

I think people who are having an easy go of things, are not likely to seek out this kind of forum. Most of us on here run across issues that we have trouble resolving and are looking to pool information.

I don't think our posts necessarily reflect the totality of our experiences, either, b/c while sometimes we take a step back and decide to make a concerted effort to post good things, most of the times we initiate a thread, it is b/c we have an issue we want help with. No news is often good news, and when things are in a good equilibrium we don't always share it b/c it seems weird to post things like. "Just an update: Things are going really well for us right now," unless there is a particular aspect of the experience we want to share.

In addition, many of the parents here are aspie-ish or aspie and so tend more towards problem solving post mode than inspirational post mode, if that makes sense.

The "curebie" issue really isn't what this sub-board is about. Some people use the word cure to mean they want their kid to be able to function and be happy without any of the other baggage the word may imply. It isn't about stamping out non-conformity or different approaches to thinking.

Some people run into issues at different ages. I ran into issues well before my teenaged years b/c even 4th grade girl social machinations were too much for me at the time. Some people have issues earlier or later, and I am sure there are some that have relatively few issues along the way. Unfortunately, autism does have co-morbids like anxiety and depression and so many struggle with those even if they do not have deep functional issues.

I am really not sure what you mean by "miserable." I would not say my son is miserably unhappy, at all, but he does meltdown, and during those times he is obviously not happy. He views himself as happy, I think, for the most part, but I don't thin observers necessarily would depending on how often they see a meltdown.

I don't know if this post helps explain or not.

Edited to add: I was also undiagnosed, no one was looking to diagnose me and do not have an official diagnosis now. I was allowed to be weird in the sense that no one chased me with medical stuff, and my family didn't care about most of it b/c they were also weird. That said, I don't think society was any more accepting than they are now, and it is a good thing that there a more resources for those who need it.

I would say overall my daughter was a happy kid. Absolutely quirky - but had friends, did well in school, etc. She is a teen now so we have way more ups and downs (and sometimes sideways!), but she's still doing okay, even though we put her through a really tough move right before starting high school. Anyway, I've been reading these boards since my daughter was newly diagnosed, around 4 1/2, but I don't post that often. Mostly because, as ASDMommy pointed out above, I don't have many questions or feel I can provide much insight into many of the issues people are having. If I do see something I can comment on (like this question) I try to post. When I have posted questions over the years I have gotten lots of great responses and advice. It seems most posters here are very accepting and helpful, and that's why I keep reading. But I agree again with ASDMommy that people tend to post at crisis or difficult times. When we were moving I posted about the issue of moving my daughter to a more academic school. I debated if I should post as it seemed a minor concern compared to what others deal with and I didn't want to seem "braggy" in the sense of, "oh my daughter is so smart". Regardless, I posted and got some great responses. Anyway, there are probably lots of parents reading on the sidelines like me. And a huge shoutout to the regular posters and all who share their experiences!

What an interesting topic. I am undiagnosed but also female and in my fifties and such a possibility would never have been considered. I was called minimal brain damage for poor gross motor skills and delayed walking and clumsy thereafter ( one teacher called me an elephant in hot coals) and whilst having impeccable rhythm I cannot sequence a dance could never knit or see ( still can't) don't know my right from left etc today would be labelled as dyspraxia lots of sensory issues with sound etc socially I survived by being a chameleon I can be whoever I am with to a point ( I have occasionally found myself copying other people's accents as I talk to them) socially I survived by skipping school and reading in the library instead I never understood the girl stuff and the majority of my friends were male . I also was accused frequently of flirting but truly was not. I have had significant depression on and off for years starting probably around thirteen but am good now from thirteen to mid twenties I had bulaemia I now compulsively overeat
Overall I would say I was cloudy with a chance of meatballs
My two affected daughters one has anxiety and was ok till around ten when the girl games start
The other is luckier because I understand her better than I did her older sister now
I think loving what they are not anything else is so important and a good friend once said to me that a child's internal voice is their parents
That has made me kinder

The difference is expectations in society are ramped upped to the nth degree.

You have kindergarteners doing basically first grade work.

A huge premium is placed on go with the flow, and following instructions with minimal questions. Sports. Forget playing for fun on a team. Everything is dog eat dog and specialized by the time your kid is in 6th grade.

Group/team things are huge. In my daughter's middle school, the robotic team is VERY group orientated. There are no lone wolfs working there.

Big premium placed on social skills at a very young age.

There is no comparison from my childhood (51 years old), and my 11 year old. They are doing the equivalent of what I had in 8th grade now. You need emotional and social maturity to grind through all that and not lose your mind.

I seriously do not know how parents of Aspies cope with this madness. Not everyone can home school, or send their kid to the $20K year/specialty school. I don't know how you work with a kid who is 11, has the social skills of an 8 year old, and has to do 8th grade group work.

If you are a little kid now, with all this bearing down on you, it would be very hard to be carefree and happy. What is expect of the child and the parent is unreal.

My NT child is relatively happy, but she feels the pressure and I never push.

Just for fun!https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uvUZvFg1cQQ

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=leYiDo6bD-c

My boys are super happy, and our home lives are fun. But, they're not without their challenges, which is why I monitor this board so much. It's been lifesaving for is in the difficult times. Please don't read what's here and believe that we're all in a perennial state of suffering. We come here to get help on problems, and many times, we share our fun times with others in our real, non-online lives.

I was a happy kid too.

When she's not having a meltdown, or anxiety attack or fighting with her brother or asserting her independence with my spouse and I, our daughter is usually happy. It's just that those things do happen with some frequency. She doesn't smile when she's happy; rather she appears intent and focused. It's closer to what NT people call content, I think. Too much "happiness" (read: excitement) and she starts to stim.

She gets just enough social contact and interaction with one or two days of on-campus classes; the rest we do at home via independent study. She's not pressured to "have lots of friends"; she has a few that she can recognize at school and is happy with that level. Academically she's doing fantastic. She gets to follow her special interests and dive in as deep as she wants, so long as she keeps up with other responsibilities (other studies, room clean, body clean, clothes clean, some social interaction so she doesn't forget how,no harming her brother, nice to non-arthropods, etc.). We're teaching her how to use walking, hiking and other exercise and meditations to relax, connect with nature and be mindful. She finds it very enjoyable. She's also just finding out that she fits in somewhat with the techie/geeky/gaming crowd.

All in all, she's a fairly happy aspie/autistic/introvert 'tween. Despite the meltdowns, sensory overloads, fighting, screaming, and anxiety. She's learning about triggers, and stimulus and overloads. And she is learning that paradoxically with the taking on of more responsibility comes more freedom. She also is oddly very aware that she is growing up and that things are about to change. And that the adult world can be difficult. But she also feels that she'll always be able to find ways to be herself.

I wish I was a fraction as aware at her age, but I was one of the miserable ones.

Also, I've met some families where the parent thinks their kid is probably miserable, but the kid seems happy from my perspective. For example, a parent might think their kid is lonely because he or she has no friends, but the kid seems not to really desire friendship in the first place.

I'd say this: if we had caught my son's diagnosis when we first started looking for help at age 3, and had been able to respond appropriately, I think he would have been a happy kid. He was miserable because nobody, including him, knew or understood what was going on, and none of us were equipped to help. Now that we've got better tools, all of us are considerably happier.

I agree that this board is not really about "curing" autism - many of us parents are acknowledged to be on the spectrum, too. I'd never change my son. I also recognize that he isn't suffering the way kids with severe and extreme sensory issues, for instance, suffer (be nice if we could get some decent interventions for that - I think that's where at least some "curbies" are coming from and I can understand wanting to alleviate their child's suffering.)

You might want to poke around the "kids say the darndest things" thread stickied at the top - you'll see some positive posts there. Since most of us who post here use this board to troubleshoot or as a sounding board, it's going to sound a lot worse than it is on balance for most of us - but I don't think it's a good place to get a picture of what the breadth of kids on the spectrum look like most of the time, or even what parents look like - or even what I look like; I don't tend to post here socially, just to either find support or offer it.

I entirely agree with OP knowing my eldest daughters diagnosis changed my perception expectations and understanding of how she behaves and has also greatly helped my third daughter who is also asd because I "get her" now I have also found this forrum to be a great blessing so thanks to all

this is exactly how i was as a kid!! !

My son is mostly happy. Sometimes too happy he lost on his own world and not reacting to verbal cues.
He does communicate by gestures when he wants to be carried up or wants us to open a jar of food, or a jar of things he thought was food.

I think what I fear most is that he is not communicating verbally. His quirks i can accept, but the fact that he tends to do things on his own, sometimes trying to bolt out into the street, and not talking to us are the problems that distress me.

My daughter was a very happy child until she was about 13. Up to that point she lived in her own head a lot, making up stories and drawing pictures of them or running around the yard reenacting them, but she seemed happy even if other people thought it was weird. What amazed me was how incredibly smart she was--she learned to read at 4 without ever being taught! We still don't know how she accomplished this. She did well in school, aside from a few rough spots, and had some friends if not as many as the other kids. I thought she was so awesome and didn't understand why other kids--or some of her teachers, come to think of it--couldn't see that.

When she was 13 in private school she was bullied very badly by a group of girls who basically turned the whole class against her. She was a social pariah for a year and the teacher in charge of the class denied that it was happening. She thought my daughter was the problem for "bringing it on herself" (read: being visibly autistic). Anyone who knows me will tell you I am the most gentle, caring, loving woman you could ever meet, but I have never hated anyone as much as I hated that teacher. I actually snapped in that meeting and shouted at her "Are you calling my daughter a liar?!" and she shrank in her chair like I had turned into a dragon. They started taking me a lot more seriously after that and the main two girls who had been the ringleaders were "asked to leave" the school.

She's 26 now and is beginning to heal from the effects of that year, but sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had just sent her to public school.

Both of my kids describe themselves as happy.

That doesn't mean they are happy all the time (they aren't), and it doesn't mean they don't have challenges ( they do), but in general, they are both happy kids. Both of them are seen as "weird" (we all wear that badge proudly!) and sometimes they embrace it (usually) and sometimes they don't. But all in all, they are happy with who they are.

I would not cure them if I could, but I have to say my son is having a lot of problems lately and I sure wish I could make the troubling symptoms go away. It makes me sad to see him struggling in a way that he wouldn't be if he was typically wired.

I can relate to this, because I was a very happy kid too. I didn’t have many many sensory issues, I only had aversions to certain sounds, like fire alarms. I also don’t remember having any meltdowns as a child. I did have normal tantrums though, but not much.