Feeling Discouraged

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Hello, I am at a turning point with my 18 yr old son who has ASD. He has no idea what he wants for his future. He is about to graduate from highschool ( we have homeschooled the last 6 yrs. I always thought he was on the higher functioning end because he has pretty good verbal skills and has done ok with some academics except for math. We recently had psychological testing done through our local department of vocational rehab, and his scores all came back very low. Low IQ. They said that he shouldn't attempt going to college, and the only job they thought he could do is wrap silverware in a restaurant with one on one supervision. I just feel like I should give up and stop expecting things from my son that he may not be able to ever do. I don't really have any expectations I guess, but I can't create a future for him and he has no idea what he wants. Any advice would be appreciated

definitely stop having expectations and help him explore his skills and weaknesses, his interests and what he wants. Its not about what you want, it is about finding the right place for him in the world, what he wants to do and finding a way to become an independent adult. My parents wanted me to become a secretary, that was their focus of ambitions for me, but I ended up following my interests and found a satisfying way of life working with animals , something I was completely discouraged from when living at home. It was not what they wanted for me . Is he allowed to follow his own interests and develop skills around that? Have you helped him explore options for working using his interests and strengths. Hope you can find a way to focus on his needs and wants and not just what you want for him or expect of him. if what you have been doing up until now is not working, maybe it is time to change what you are doing? Hope you can find a way together, including him in the conversation, nothing about us without us!

What does he do when no-one is telling him what to do?

This is a question I have often asked about my kids.

There are several people in my neighborhood or who I see at church who need more help than my son. But my son’s struggles and challenges are real. As a parent I have often been the advocate, it was my job to see the good in my son, to defend him when others underestimated him or misunderstood him or belittled him. And that is good. But sometimes I was projecting and I missed some of the real challenges and that was not. My son may never be independent. Or he may. I have to surrender my vision of what I thought the future might be. I might even have to grieve it, and grief is a process. Then I have to apply the serenity prayer and accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can (and should) and grow in wisdom as I become more clear about which is which. Even if it is not what I want (or used to want).

It is all a process.

P.S.
Some places offer a non-college-but-college-like program

https://www.sju.edu/kinney/autism-servi ... ay-program

I honestly don't have any strong visions of what I want for his life other than for him to be happy. He doesnt express any desires or plans at all for the future. If he is left alone to do what he wants, he listens to music for hours and I am ok letting him do that. I'm not pushing him to do anything. I just feel as though I am giving up on him if I dont at least try to offer suggestions or options. I am ok if he isn't able to become independent.

Perhaps he can get a job in a music store stocking CDs and records onto the shelves.

You might suggest a tour in the Army. It would provide a few years of a controlled environment, get a technical skill, and even provide some income for college later if that looks like an attractive option. I am not sure how much stock to put into the assessments of "experts".

NEVER EVER SAY THERE IS NO POTENTIAL IN HIM!

Look at it this way. Most of those that are no good in maths have very visual minds and can turn to things in ways that others can't even dream of. I can be a very visual thinker and come from a family line of designers, though I didn't go down that route because of the way I do maths was not ideal when it comes to complex equasions. (I visually think in dots and patterns of dots which is great for dealing with numbers but almost useless when one adds letters into equasions. Maths I found "Odd" in that I went from one exam with a very high mark to the next exam with a very low mark and I could not tell anyone who taught me what I did different. I know now as I die well when I could "Surface think" and scored highly, but if I had to "Deep think" and there were equasions with letters involved, I did badly as the visual deep thinking part was in a different part of my brain to the surface thinking part, and somehow the translation of the two (As patterns of dots in visual thinking are rarely ever in "Base 10" so need careful conversion into base 10 in my surface thinking mind to translate these patterns of dots into numerical form which is why I could never show workings out on paper (I did the equasion first and then tried making up the workings out after!) as how does one show dot patterns of thinking on paper when they want workings out in numerical form?)

BUT ask me to visually think up designs to do with model railways and I cwn spend years of dwydreaming which to me is pure delight!
I.Q. level is only an academic guide and has nothing to do with non-academically related intelligence. I have a higher than average I.Q. so in theory I "Should" be good at certain things and yet some things I avoid and lose out. I have gone without income because I could not do the forms or even tackle the phone call needed to start the process off unless I was in a conquoring frame of mind which tends to come for a brief few months every decade or so. In other words, I rely on the help of others despite my high I.Q. or I get no where (Usually get no where as if I try doing forms I spend hojrs a day just sitting there with mindblank. Other times when the good times come, I can breeze through the things! Why I don't get help as people don't believe me!)
Anyway. Intelligence is not directly related to I.Q. and my advice is that instead of asking what he wants to do (As at his age I just didn't know as making decisions is not easy to do when the variables are infinately grreat!) Better to watch and see what he natrually likes doing in a practical way and develop than and then encourage that further by casually helping out (With no pressure as pressure can give a negative mindblank wall) in something relating to that tallent, and go from there.

Does he like painting or art? Ie he into Railway Modelling? (Model railroads) or other forms of three dimentional model making? Encourage him in that so when he perfects methods of making things, you can encourage him to make more, sell the more to see how it goes?

Is he good at helping clean or carry things? Many avenues for a career relating to such tasks!

Remember that not one job or career is below another as I would rather see a loyal person who does their best in a low paid job who one can rely on than many who reach the top in society who rarely bother to turn up for work because their job is just to be there to make small changes if needed, and so they find their position boring, and rather than directly help those under them while their official position goes quiet, they go and play golf or something like that! In other words, once they knkw all seems to be running ok, they slack off rather then use their brain to dream up how to expand on what they have, or how to make things easier for their employees to complete their tasks... Or even going round their employees to befriend them and encourage them in what they do! To value them!)

What I am saying is that EVERYONE is valuable, and often those that seem to have very little in skills and abilities make the most difference in others becsuse they learn just to smile in the right place so that it brightens up the others day who would otherwize end up self absorbed in negative thought.
Everyone is valuable and we all need each other!

(A few months back my brothers first wifes sister died. She was in her early 40's though had a mental age of about 12 if that. (She had a fit in her sleep and suffocated). But she was soo encouraging and was ALWAYS HAPPY AND WELCOMING! Everyone that knew her LOVED her for this! Even those of us who rarely saw her miss her! She never had a job as she was mentally not really able, though she helped family where she could. But just for that amazing welcome she gave others which really brightened up her day made all of us who met her and got to speak to her really miss her!

Your son, just by being who he is brings joy and has a bright future ahead, sonthe key is in watching and encouraging in the good things thwt he likes, and use them as little stepping stones for his future. Who knows where it will lead!

You can't really go by those IQ tests. Any test results you should take with a grain of salt.

A few years ago they gave my kid some tests, diagnosed him with several things he doesn't have, and advised me to sign him up for disability. I didn't do that because it was horsesh**.

It turns out that he's gifted, very anxious, has ADHD requiring stimulants, and does not think in words or pictures. So when they were trying to give him these tests, he was having to translate back and forth into English from the "pure knowledge" unsymbolized thinking he uses.

Your son is still very young. I agree with the people who say he need some time to figure out his interests and talents. That's doesn't mean he should just lay around the house and do nothing. Gentle prodding and encouragement, along with your support, will go a long way.

I would not start with a silverware job. I'd nudge him toward a class or job more middle of the road.

What's his favourite instrument?

Thank you all for your very thoughtful replies. I am letting my son move at his own pace right now, with some input from vocational rehab to find him a part time job that maybe he can do that won't be too challenging for him at this time. They are now saying maybe a stocking clerk for a few hours per week. We are just trying to stay busy working on learning more household chores and possibly volunteering somewhere. Maybe take a class here or there. Thanks for your encouragement. I don't want to give up on my son!! ! It's just tough sometimes to not have any vision or input from him.