Obsessing over estranged family members

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Both my husband and I have strained family relations. His maternal side is off-limits completely, for safety reasons. Briefly, his dad abandoned the family and he was reintroduced to him when he was a teen but his dad refused to take him into his new family. He had a distant relationship that was weird. He even became religious to get his dad's approval. His dad will be all sentimental but then just drop the ball when it matters. Husband's brother is just like this too. He has two daughters that my son has met (1 1/2 year ago). For some reason, my son has been obsessing over them and has continued this fantasy that he will visit them this summer.
Now, we've never been invited to their house (out of state), this brother-in-law doesn't even write back to my husband after asking to renew their correspondence. When my husband made a special trip to spend Thanksgiving with this family, they were rude and made sideline plans without telling him first. But my son doesn't understand any of this. He only knows that he played with this girl and he wants to see her again. I finally let him write her a letter (hi, how are you? etc).

The problem is we have told him that we will not be inviting this family to our house and they haven't invited us. But he keeps badgering us about it. How should I address this? It's been going on for months now and now that school is out, he is just focusing on it.

I feel badly that he doesn't have friends and we don't really live in a place where he can go meet the neighbors. It looks like he disintegrated his friendships at school and so they won't be calling either.

5 hours and nothing?

Maybe this girl was nice to him or cool and he just enjoys her company. Or maybe she is Aspie-ish and so they got along well because of it. Can't you all try again to make amends with these people? My extended family is weird too but it is good to try to get along whenever possible. But you have to weigh the advantages and disadvantages.

Do you know any families locally with Aspie kids that your son could play with?

The estrangement is complicated. My brother-in-law (like his dad) will make a big effort to resume correspondence but then fails to return my husband's emails. When we have visited these people (the family as a whole) they are not hospitable and change plans that exclude us or make it uncomfortable.
The girl is 9 months older than Pop and my husband says she was playing with him because she was being polite. He said he could tell she wasn't that interested. She has sounded that she is well-developed for her age ( 8 ) meaning she knows all the social stuff and is a well-rounded kid. I don't know why my son has "remembered" her after the long absence, but I'm sure it has to do with his obsession with princesses, family relations and lack of local friends.

I don't know of any local Aspies or autistics that my son would play with. Maybe I'll try asking in my local listserv. I don't know why I haven't thought of that. [/doh] Thanks!

my daughter considers anyone who's ever talked with her for more than 5 minutes her best friend. she is constantly trying to make friends, and when she finds someone who is cordial to her~ she assumes that they are her best friend............as far as the family situation goes, I'd be honest~to a point...keep reaffirming to him that people within the family aren't getting along right now, and that you will not be seeing them. we've had strained family relationships around here forever, it seems. i've tried to walk the high road with the kids, and not tell them all the intricacies of how lunatic my family & hubby's family are.....when the kids were little, it was easier to tell them that we just didn't have enough $ to travel to the relatives~ as the kids got older, we began revealing some truths to the kids. now that our sons are 13 & 15, we try to be fairly open about some of the difficulties~ they don't need to know everything, and we try very hard to be kind about the craziness of the families.

Z's biological mother has two other children, Z's half-brother and sister, he has met them once, maybe twice. For 2 or 3 years he would run through periods when he obsessed about his "brother and sister". Though we knew and repeatedly told him that visits would probably not happen he insisted on talking about them and hoping. We wouldn't mind the children it is "mommy" we have a problem with. Z's therapist has insisted there be no unsupervised visits with her. We found by redirecting his interests at the moment we gradually cut down the obsession. Of course when S became a part of the family he seemed to forget about his absent Siblings. It is probably not a good idea for you to run out and "pick up" another child to live with you so I don't recommend that.

We also don't know any other Aspies in our area but Z has made a couple of friends at school this year and we are encouraging these contacts. Both of these boys are in his GT classes so they share similar interests, which is helpful.

Family is very important to Z, that is why he waited until I "came to live" in his house to call me Dad.

I find it sad that these marvelous youngsters have to endure so much loneliness.

Okay, so it is a thing.

Wow. Are we, as aspies, pre-disposed to having strained family relations? My own father and (former)step-mother disowned me when I was 20 because I, get this, went to church!

He was a Jehovah's Witness and his religion said anyone else who wasn't was evil. It didn't matter I've never done anything wrong nor has he even been there for me in the first place, anyway. He had a drug relapse while I was temporarily staying with him and blamed me, saying "God couldn't bless his household" with me in it.

All I can say is family is who you make of it. Most of the time, it has very little to do with genetics but who you choose to take into your life. As for your little boy, you may want to find a club that centers around his interests and have him join. That helped me tremendously when I was younger since everyone was more focused on the task at hand rather than just plain socializing.

I don't really have any advice for you. It sounds like this family is a dead end for you and Pop, no matter how much he wants it. I agree with your decision not to beg for a relationship with them!

I wish you luck in perhaps finding a local support group for children who could benifit from playdates? Maybe not just AS, but also those with mild intelectual handicaps severe ADHD? I know one of my sons best friends when he was 9 to about now (they finally seem to be drifting apart) was a boy 3 years older then him with a mild intellectual delay. Really nice boy!

I didn't even get into religion, that's a whole other element to story but not so relevant for Pop. This family he's obsessing over is radical, fundamentalist Christians. The type that live in the Focus on the Family headquarters. My brother-in-law is the minister of this large church. (His senior pastor tours the country "prophecying") I don't know if they're affliated with the homophobic stuff but they are "way out there" with speaking in tongues, prophecying and faith healing.
That's something that we're concerned with if they do respond with a letter. My husband has at times thought he could relate to his brother on an equal basis but he responds with this quasi-professional approach. Like my husband needs to learn something from him. What a joke. The guy is 3 years younger and he acts like he counsel his older brother.

It just does not seem workable too me, and I really think you need to listen to whatever your better judgement is saying... Just do your best to console Pop in his disapointment.

Yup...my son has become severely obsessed with getting my relationship "back together" with my parents..his grandparents. We have been estranged for a bit over 4 years. He was over at my sister's house...his aunts...and she called grandma and grandpa and got my son started on the whole...G and GP thing. My other 2 kids couldn't care less about speaking to or seeing my parents. I have basically explained to him why I was estranged from them and that's just the end of it. It's the one thing that I won't give into for him. If he had been at all close to them before the estrangement then I would think about letting him get together with them. But they barely saw each other in his 13 years of life. Don't know what to tell ya' but it's not just you at least. : )

For starters, if this family were true Christians, they would not treat you this way. Focus on the Family would not condone that kind of behavior.

Also, I think it was a good idea what Corsarzs said about finding an elderly person to "adopt"
It may give Pop the friendship he wants without too much pressure.