Depression in Mothers of AS kids.

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I have 3 sons aged 9, 7 and 4. My oldest 2 have Asperger's - both diagnosed this year.

I have had a couple of major depressive episodes in the last 4 years.

In the last few months, my mood has been fine but I've had no energy. I've just been wanting to sleep all the time.

I finally decided to get help for myself and had my first session with a psychologist this week. I went to the same psychologist who looks after my 2 sons because I absolutely trust her and she has intimate knowledge of our family situation.

She diagnosed me with dysrhythmia which is like a low level depression.

The psychologist reported that it is extremely common for mothers of children with AS to suffer depression because of the constant criticism (eg your kid just needs a good smack) and feel judged. Also mothers can feel lonely because other parents don't understand their situation. Mothers also feel that they are not good enough.

As the psychologist told me this I started sobbing - she obviously was descibing feelings I'd buried very deeply. All these feelings have come to the surface this week, but at least I'm consciously aware of them now and able to challenge these feelings with logic.

My energy levels have picked up already.

Have other Mums (or Dads) suffered depression? Seen a therapist?

Please share your experiences with me.

Regards
Helen

yes I do have periods of depression from time to time. It all gets to be so overwhelming at times, especially during the school year because of the constant problems that comes with school. I am not getting any treatment though at this time. It comes and goes. Truthfully, I think now I am having sort of panic attacks from time to time. The stress really affects me and makes me physically sick to my stomach. I agree that it is probably natural for parents of ASD kids to have this from time to time because in a sense we are isolated too because some of us do not have the same social support as parents of NT kids, we are like a group all to ourselves. I hope that made sense. And I am tired ALL THE TIME. I have even half considered going to the doctor just to make sure I am not anemic! I have started taking vitamins though, hoping that will make me feel better! But you are definitely not alone!

I do think it is a mourning of sorts--you go through the denial, the anger, the acceptance and then fall back into a previous stage. It is a constant struggle with reconciling how to fit in along with your child, how you are being perceived. Strange, I know.

The advocating, researching, feelings of helplessness and frustration. In addition, there is the feeling that you are doing things the right way or you could be doing more.

There is the lingering doubt, I have, that this all didn't have to happen and that my son is perfectly fine! If I just pulled him out of Kindergarten and waited a year, none of this would have occured--the evaluation, special needs, diagnosis--alll of it. I say this but then I watch my son walk out the door --wooden box under his arm, adding machine in hand and his lock (these are his interests lately) and I realize these items are security for my son, a way to control his world. And I realize he is amazing, and Iwouldn't want him any other way and that I am blessed, truly. I always end up here--at the point where I feel blessed. So, any sadness, frustration cancels out for me.

A professor once told me that life is mostly strugggles. There are only small moments of bliss associated with epihanies, brilliance, sheer pleasure, and these brief moments are so powerful they carry us through the struggles and make it all worth it. (not in these exact words)

Yes, I suppose it is exhausting. Yet, many things in life present challenges. I suppose it's admitting that it's tough, feeling the feelings, and then getting on with business that keeps us all progressing, moving forward and improving.

Chin up. You are defintely not alone.

You have 3 boys--like me. But yours are all young! My eight-year old (dx'd) is enough! I can't imagine two others close to his age. His brothers are much older. Aside from the Aspergers, this is tough enough. You are performing an extremely difficult job. If you get tired, it's understandable.

Exercise! This always makes me feel better. If I stop, I become tired and drained much easier.

best,

equinn

I too suffer from depression. I've had a few major episodes in my life prior to my son's diagnosis, and this last year has been a bad one for me. I alternate between periods of extreme depression and anxiety. The anxiety is worse now that the school year is approaching. Preschool was a terrible experience for my son and I'm afraid that this year will be more of the same.

I do see a counselor, which helps a lot. I definitely understand the feelings of isolation from other parents, and being judged by others (some family members are incredibly unsupportive). I read my son's evaluation report yesterday, which made me even more sad. It just sounds so negative, like the school system sees no good qualities in him.

If anyone ever needs to talk, just PM me. I'm so grateful to have this board for support.

I have suffered from 3 depressive episodes since having my children. I have been fine for almost a year since the last one, but now that school is starting again and I know that we are about to face the same frustrations all over again, I find myself becoming a little blue and having some trouble sleeping. It just seems that it is never going to end. This year Funnykid will be in middle school alone, without his brothers who will both be in highschool. Most of his friends he has because of Soccerdude. They will all be moving on to highschool. Soccerdude will be in highschool and will struggle along with his "mild" learning disability that no one thinks is a problem and Funnykid will need his IPP re-done with even more modifications for his non-verbal learning disability. Brainboy is still in the honors program but will be having assessments now that we know he also has AS. He is gifted but the work is starting to be a little much. Socially he is good so at least we don't have that concern with him. Lil' girl is still awaiting her assessment to see if she has AS on top of her ADHD. She doesn't have an IPP but I dread what awaits with Grade 2 approaching. She has such a hard time keeping friends because she is so in-your-face and loud and go,go,go.

Smelena, we have an added stressor in that our husbands also appear to have AS or at least alot of the traits. I have read that your husband is quite helpful. Mine can be but I do find that it is sporadic. I am never sure just how much support I am going to get on any given day. And he over-loads so easily that the weekends are miserable. I can't have him around because he is so hard on the kids.

If you ever need to pm me, please feel free. I know what it is like to not have anyone who understands what the day-to-day is like. I swear I will choke the next well-meaning person who says, "It is "JUST" Asperger's!"

Oh, me too! My mother thinks that Asperger's just makes you really smart like Bill Gates, and that my son's tantrums aren't related to it, they're just a result of my bad parenting.

It is very frustrating even when well-meaning people don't understand. My step-cousin was just diagnosed with classic autism (he's 2), and my grandfather said to me "at least your son can grow up and make lots of money someday."

I have struggled with depression on a day to day basis for many years. I tried medication once, but stopped after a couple of months because of the way it made me feel. I had a ton of commitments at the time, but my DH asked me to consider down sizing a bit. He told me that he wanted me to focus on what made me happy, not on making other people happy. At one time I was working full time, a cub scout den leader, soccer team manager, and helping out at church. I still work full time, but I no longer volunteer for anything, and that has helped a great deal. We freed up our weekends to just relax, go see a movie if we want or just hang out and rest, take a nap. We even hired a housekeeper to come clean the house every two weeks, so we wouldn't have to stress about it. I think even our son is appreciating the down time on the weekends. We got so caught up in the whirlwind of activities, and it was taking it's toll on us.

I struggle with dfepression as well as mania. I didn't really put 2 and 2 together until recently. This whole summer I was ehausted, had no energy, ferlt melancholy, then a few weeks ago the mania returned and I was up steam-cleaning carpets at 2:00 AM, rearranging furniture, and driving my husband nuts. I have so much energy and my mind won't stop- it's on overdrive. I've got terrible insomnia due to this and have been averaging 3-4 hours of sleep/night this week- the week the kids started school. It's finally causing me to crash and I'm exhausted and have a terrible headache today. I just feel awful. I have an appointment with a psych in about a month.

It's a good thing I'm in a manic phase though. I could seriously not handle the crazy week I've had if I were in a depressive phase. 9 y/o HFA DD is having severe emotional melt-downs every afternoon and she's screaming and crying and throwing temper tantrums and not being nice to her brother and sister. Almost 5 y/o is constantly hitting 4 y/o sister after he gets home from Kindergarden, and he absolutely will not cooperate with homework. One page he had to color yesterday took an entire hour to complete. I finally ended up using one of his obsessions as a motivator: "You can watch "Buzz Lightyear" after you finish." He's having meltdowns whenever he's told he can't so whatever he wants to as well. Can you say "Sensory Overload on Mom?"

I don't get the feeligns of loneliess or disconnect from society due to my kids. I'm 99% sure I'm aspie(other 1% is denial)as well and have always felt disconnected from society, so I"m used to it. I'm used to not fitting in. There is no mourning involved for me. IF my kids weren't Aspie/HFA, etc then they wouldn't be who they are- same as me and my husband.

This thread really hit home for me. I've never been treated for depression, although I had one major period in my youth when I probably should have been treated, but somehow mucked my way through it. It has been very isolating having a child with a hidden disability. Even though his differences are becoming more apparent, I still think that most people think that we're just not applying the right discipline. And until recently, I've thought so too. It has helped break some of the isolation to read your stories and see that I'm not alone.

I agree that exercise is important! I'm a teacher and get much more exercise during the school year because I bike to work. Ironically, I'm kind of a slug during the summer and it contributes to negative feelings. I feel so much better when I'm active and busy.

I try to lower my expectations on what I can get done around the house. There are lots of projects we could be working on, but spending time with the kids is more important, and as a result, we are definitely not keeping up with the Jones's around here.

I know my parents never had depression over me
they just got mad and yelled
still don't get "sad" for me
just angry

yes, but how do you exercise when you are SO TIRED???

I would guess that there is a genetic propensity for depression in families with autism too. I read one study which found that autistic children with a history of depression in the family were more likely to have high IQs compared to autistic children from families with no depressive history.

Parenting an NT child is hard, but the meltdowns and nonverbalness (nonverbality?) is what is hardest on me. My 2 yr old is nonverbal and screams and cries so much, but I can't ask her what is wrong.

However, since I am AS, or at least I think I am, I find trying to parent my NT children almost worse, because I can't quite figure out how to relate to them. While my son scares and stresses me when he melts down, I understand him, and we're very close.

You need to take care of yourself. Being a parent is exhausting and thankless.

Thanks for your stories - they have helped.

My homework this week from the psychologist was to keep a record of feelings of sadness on a scale of 0 - 10 (where 10 = maximum sadness).

I had to write down my thoughts when I felt sad.

It was interesting and made we aware of thoughts I didn't know were there. I mostly fluctuated between 0 - 3, although had a few moments of 6-7.

I found I only got up to 6-7 when I was thinking about being judged, criticised or lonely.

I found if I was feeling sad, my sadness disappeared within a few minutes of the kids getting home from school. They definantly light up my life!

It was good to see it's not the kids making me sad, rather thoughts of criticism/judgement/isolation.

Helen

well thats good-my parents went the other way and put me on ridilin
(my dad still says it helped) I didn't have ADD, and by time I found out I had AS I was already 12...Even with a dx nothing changed, well though now I resent that...
I doubt they ever felt depressed over what people said about me...just doesn't make a lot of sence to me...

Kilroy, how can you be so certain that your parents never suffered from depression? People who are severely depressed have no energy and lack the patience of a person who is not depressed. When a person doesn't have any patience, they will tend to get angry and lash out more easily. When I have been severly depressed, I have caught myself in this situation many times in dealing with my son, and I hate myself for it afterward. I hate that I have the propensity to lose control of myself, and that my son has been the brunt of that from time to time. I have apologized to my son for my failings, and I try to become more aware of what will trigger my anger, so that I will not lose myself again.

Maybe your parents did suffer from depression, and just never told you or anyone else about it. It is hard to admit our inadequacies to others, sometimes even to our own selves. I am not defending them, but I hope that you might consider that there might have potentially been some depression there.

As for medication, it can be very beneficial to someone who has problems focusing at school. Many times ADD/ADHD is co-morbid with AS. My 11 y/o son has AS, ADHD and Tourettes (more so when he is stressed out). We tried everything we could think of to help him with his ADHD issues before we tried medication, but without a doubt the medication has been the most help. He has been on it for five years now, and there have been times when he has asked to be taken off of it to see if he can focus without it. We have tried a couple of times, but within 2-4 weeks he has had to go back on it because his grades and his behavior plummet. Even though you might feel now that you don't need medication to help you focus, perhaps maybe when you were younger you did? I certainly do not know your situation, but these are things to think about. From your posts, you sound angry with your parents, and I can understand why if you were yelled at a lot. You have a right to be angry, but I hope that you can forgive them and move on with your life, so that your life will be happier.

I don't blame my parents for anything
they only know what they know
they didn't know I had AS until I was 12
I mean my dad has never tried to learn about it
my mom has (I think my bro has too)
I know they wern't depressed over me
I mean I was always good in school never created a fuss
they may have been but I highly doubt it...
at least over me anyways (I have an NT brother, he's a teenager-the sort of an epifinay of one)