How/when do I tell my son that he has Aspergers?

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This is a great question and I'm glad you asked as well. I believe I need to start doing the same for my son, although we do talk about all the "cool" things we have found that other AS/HFA kids/adults do, etc...and make sure he understands that some of the stuff he does is absolutely great.

With that said, I do believe in honesty (I think we all do here). When I was about 8 yrs old, I was taken to see a psychiatrist or something...my parents never discussed it with me, except they always let me know I was a "pain". Actually, to the extent that my mother would drive me by a "children's home" and tell me she was planning to put me there...Anyway, in 4th grade I was doing great and all of a sudden I am put in a special ed class...I didn't know what hit me...It was never explained to me. Then I was moved to a "regular" class...again, nothing explained to me. Mind you, my grades were always As...This not knowing and just being taken from one place to the other made me grow up (all through school until my mid 20s) thinking there was something "wrong" with me and that I was crazy and they just didn't want to tell me. So, believe me, it's better for him to know why and for you to explain his talents as well, than for him to wonder all his life what is "wrong" with him.

Thanks again for the post, I plan on finding some of those books for my son as well.

I think you are going about the right way. My oldest with AS is 6, we have not officially sat down and had "the talk" with him, but it is not kept a secret, we use the words Asperger and Autism around him in conversation, I guess we are just waiting for him to ask about it. At this point in his life he doesn't seem to know he is different. I figure it will probably be this year though. He is the only kid in his class in special ed and he goes to an autism program at the local university so I'm sure it will come soon. No one knows your son better than you and it sounds like you are doing a great job. Welcome to WP!! !

I have a slightly different view of this situation.

We have an eleven year old son who we have never told him he has HFA/Asperger's. He may know -- I'm not sure. We have sent him to social skills classes at a place that has posters about autism all over the walls. We have books around the house that have "autism" or "asperger's" in the titles. He sees me on the WrongPlanet website from time to time. And yet, we have never directly talked about his syndrome.

My first reason for not bringing it up is because I felt that he would come to me with questions, and THEN I would answer them more directly. My second reason is that I don't want to give him an excuse for doing less than he is capable of. We already have this issue with his meds -- he is under the impression that Ritalin is the reason why he is successful at school (when he is successful). I am currently trying to let him know that he may not always take Ritalin, and that he needs to eventually find ways to help himself pay attention/accomplish what he needs to at school. Ritalin is not always the answer (or any other med) to any of his problems. HE is the one who can solve his problems, HE has control over his own life.

Part of the reason why I feel this way is I asked a very wise friend of mine (whose kids are grown now) when I should tell my son about his syndrome, and she felt that I shouldn't. She had a son who had slight dyslexia (I think that's what he had -- don't quote me), and she thought she had told him when he was about 10. When he became an adult, she mentioned his dyslexia, and he was quite astounded! "I have dyslexia?" he said, to which she responded "Well, yes, I thought I told you when you were young!" to which he responded "No you didn't . . ." He began to think about it, and said "wow, everything makes sense now." As they discussed this, he said "I'm glad that you never told me, or I would have used it as an excuse to not accomplish what I did accomplish."

I don't think NOT telling a child is everyone's answer -- I just think in my situation, with my son, it is possibly the answer. He's doing quite well in many ways (except for executive function problems -- argghhh!), and when he's older and has accomplished what it looks as if he will accomplish, it may come up naturally (as it has with his older brother) and since it seems to be a sort of family inherited trait, it won't seem all that out of the ordinary. It's just a fact of HIS life, as is needing glasses for some people, or a hearing aid for others.

Kris

We started talking to J about Aspergers not long after he was diagnosed. At first, we didn't put a name to it, but started talking about how everyone's brains work differently. When we did give him the name for it, he was able to understand what it meant. Most of the books that were mentioned are on my Amazon list right now, waiting to be ordered. J is 9 now, and we expect him to start taking an active roll in handling his diagnosis and recognizing when he needs help. For us, the openness has led to an easier transition in that regard. I think it's also easier to manage therapies, discipline issues, and school problems without looking for ways to dance around the A word. And he's not left wondering why he's being singled out.
J can be a manipulative child, but we haven't had him try to use AS as an "out"... yet. He has been known to cry out "It's my different brain!" but, in every instance that's happened, it certainly was the case, and made for a good reminder for US. For as difficult as he may be, and without personally having another child to compare to, I think he's very comfortable and confident about his diagnosis. Without knowing there was a real condition, I do think he would be left believing he was nothing more than a "bad" kid.

AS above basically ! !

He will KNOW that he is different ... no doubt about it !

I knew from the age of about 4 or 5 that I was SPECIAL

Because of my abilities in MATHS and SPORT - I sort of stood out anyway .. if you know what I mean.
I just found MOST things so easy and as I mentioned above I just thought I was SPECIAL but in a GOOD way ! !

PS
Having a dad named JOSEPH and a mum named MARY didn't help things ! !

SERIOUS ! !

Zincubus --

You were good at Math and Sports? I have two sons with Asperger's, and both of them (by their own admission) are hopeless at sports. I thought that was part of being an Aspie. The fact that you are good at both Math and Sports is really unusual. . .

Kris

Well I admit to being UNUSUAL ! !

Numbers and football were /are 2 or my MAIN obsessions .

My son is a great soccer player, and yet the kid has trouble tying his shoes (and often won't!). There are some small things that you'd only notice if you were looking at him on the soccer field, but other than that, he really is a good player. As with just about anything else that's a symptom of being on the spectrum - it varies from person to person and there aren't any hard, fast rules about what the symptoms are or are not.

I agree that everyone handles telling or not telling their children in a different manner - and there's no one right or wrong way to handle it. That said, I do think that kids have the right to be told what is going on within their own bodies and brains, and I'm not sure that I agree with not telling a child....just because you explain that what's going on with them actually has a name doesn't mean you're handing them an excuse not to accomplish things - that's crazy. The truth is that you as a parent teach your child how to be ambitious and steadfast enough to reach for their goals, and no disorder or syndrome can ever take that ambition away unless you allow it. Just speaking the words doesn't make that happen on it's own.

I spose I'd better add WHEN I say good at MATHS I probably should say good with NUMBERS - such as percentages / fractions / multiplacations etc I do NOT understand ALGEBRA and get confused when doing problems