Parents of adult aspies! Are the 'teen' yrs the 'worst' yrs?

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Ok - a yr ago I had a fairly happy, stable 13 yr old son (AS traits apparent but nothing really major that couldn't be dealt with by him or us).

Then puberty hit and my God how things have deteriorated. Meltdowns on a near daily basis, severe insomnia, anxiety, aggression, violence, nightmares, the list is getting longer by the day.........

I'm struggling to cope with him and to be quite frank I feel quite scared of him sometimes (although I would never let him know this as I think it's important that he knows that I am in charge and won't tolerate his sometimes really awful behaviour).

To all you parents and Aspies that have gone through puberty, does it get better?

Please tell me it does!

Well, DD is not yet an adult (15) but she is getting better. Her father has primary custody (I'm not her bio mom) and he had a heck of a time with her when she hit puberty because he is a male. Thank goodness I came into the picture just in time to deal with all these "girly" issues. I feel for him because he obviously worries about her and her development, but she resents him most of the time because of his authority status.

Still have to work on the issues such as why we don't appreciate a flippant (or no feelings shown) attitude when we go through heck to get what she wants. She shows PLENTY of feelings when she doesn't, that's for sure!!

yeah. it really is.

i am an aspie and parent of one. being a teen is no picnic for anyone, aspie or NT.

I am the parent of 3 teenage sons. The 16 year old and the 13 year old both have AS and the 14 year old doesn't. From what I can tell, no teenagers are wonderful to raise, and here is the big surprise, my Aspie sons are far easier to deal with than the NT. He is unpredictable, has "zero" common sense, has no clue about boundaries and is basically being a large pain in my butt. (Oh, I love him dearly. Good thing for him.)
The Aspie sons prefer a strict routine, don't need to run all over the country and have no idea how to manage the world of dating and girls. I don't have a problem with that at the moment.
Sorry I was rambling there for a moment. Teenagers are hard. No question!

First of all, if he's starting to be a pain in the butt as early as 13, maybe he'll get over it sooner?

Our oldest was a pain from 15 to 16 years. At 17 he began to be a fairly decent guy, and now that he's 21, we really like him!

But during his worst years, he was irrational, non-sensical, and frustrating. We had to be really strong and hold fast to the rules. As parents, we were a united front, and he could not get by us (although he found sneeky ways to do what he wanted to).

All teenagers are horrible. But I think that if you hold to what you know is right, eventually the kid sees the light and realizes that you aren't as crazy as he thought you were!

Kris

It all depends... I was hell to deal with during my teen years... as was a friend's brother who has AS. I believe I've grown up to be a decent human being albiet who still has trouble in daily life but likeable enough. The brother though, is still nasty and he's 40.

I think AS teens/adults are close enough to NTs in the process that if you do right by them. Give them bounderies, let them make mistakes, help where needed and let them fail when it's needed and most of all give them lots of love and support that they'll turn out just fine.

I haven’t really talked bout it yet myself, but I felt I wanted to say “Yeah. It gets better.” My aspie 20-something son now has his Psychology degree, his foreign language (Russian!), a few years of graduate school in Art, and a temp job where they hired him to file, but kept him for his programming.

He was a real interesting child to raise. But I am more proud of him that I probably have a right to be. It was amazing how much he matured, when he finally got around to maturing

My 16 year old is a lot more aspie than his brother. And a LOT grumpier. There were times I thought we were not going to make it through. But a few really good things happened that helped a great deal. First, we were finally able to figure out what the heck was wrong with him!

We didn’t know about Aspergers for the longest time. Luckily, my wife was working in Special Education and heard about it fairly early on. A lot of dominoes fell then. We were able to get the proper paperwork and accommodations at school, and he was assigned a resource teacher and class. He was able to stay pretty mainstream and still require the teachers to make the extra effort. Some classes were a wash nonetheless – English composition was harrowing, and Speech was a total loss – but we made it through. He’s got two more years of High School, and just got accepted to a few gifted classes having to do with computers, networking, etc.

The other wonderful thing was finding out that *I* am Apergers. Not only does it answer so many of my own esteem-damaging questions, but it has changed some of the most basic parts of my relationships with my sons. Now I know it isn’t anger that makes it hard for him to talk to me sometimes, or laziness that keeps him from writing up his English paper. And he knows that my placing my hands over my ears and shouting “turn the damn sound down on that stupid Final Fantasy game!” isn’t because I don’t love him – it’s because it is such an ANNOYING SOUND for me!

In some ways, the shear depth of his Aspergers makes it so much harder than his brother. On the other hand, having some idea of where to start, and some clue about what he’s experiencing, makes it much easier.

One thing I have noticed is that Aspergers really IS a developmental thing. The challenge of Aspergers is in the fact that things just don’t happen the way – or at the time – you expect them. Deep intelligence when other kids are barely cogent. Unable to SHARE much of it until years after other kids have perfected their “What I did During the Summer” template. But the stuff he shares is so much more interesting.

He was able to memorize the entire run of Fawlty Towers years ago, but couldn’t laugh at a joke until just a little while ago. But now he can find humor in a furniture ad. There are many things that will always be different. But there are many other things that are just going to be early or late. I think the waiting is the hardest to deal with. It gives a whole new meaning to patience.

Sure, he’ll never be “the same as the other kids.” But once you and he get over that – and it sounds like he may be having a harder time getting over it than you are – it’s likely there’ll be a real partnership. Right now, I suspect he needs consistency more than concern. He needs to know that you are totally certain that his life will come together and be worth more than he can imagine. Sometimes it helps to remember that the best way to avoid failure is to face the horizon and just start moving forward

Sorry to natter on so much. I guess your question just tripped something in me. I just wanted you to know that it gets better than this

NB: In my case in my late 20s, that's when I am in my adolescence spree.
(My borther had a tough time as a teenager, is he NT, or AS, no idea, but as AS is hereditary, I wonder... We are both in sciences, so maybe there are chances that we are all AS)...

I dont see a connection with adolesence crises and the fact that we are NT or AS... ?

Thanks for your responses everyone, I realise that puberty is no picnic for anyone - AS or NT but it seems J's AS traits have been magnified 1000 times! I don't want to 'speak too soon' but things have calmed down quite a lot in the last couple of weeks. 1st day back at school was an absolute dream, no meltdown or anxiety - 1st time that has EVER happened. Oh, AND he's doing his homework without me asking! Getting a bit worried now...........

Gitchel no need to apologise for 'nattering on so much', your post was interesting, informative and encouraging and I'm grateful you took the time to respond.

Thanks all!

The teenage years are bad for everyone. Not just Aspies! Yeah the high school years were the worst for me. Not that middle school was much better but I did have a few friends at least in middle school. In high school it was constant bullying and the bullying is worse because the bullies are now adult-sized and strong. I had few friends in high school. Several teachers turned against me because my only friend in school was a flaming gay boy and of course the South is homophobic.

High school was also the first time I was in a phys ed course that required changing into bathing suits and not having private areas to change clothes. So that's when the NT's would make fun of my body. Girls are very cruel! I suppose boys go through similar humiliation from their peers too.

High school is when my stuttering and OCD started. No one helped me. They just made fun of me.

High school is about going to dances and proms and no one ever asked me. I think this is what most Aspies experience in high school - complete rejection at a time when they are wanting to make friends and date. Just get used to it though because the college years and adult years suck too as its non-stop rejection for the average Aspie!

So when your Aspie teen doesn't behave well to parents its probably influenced by the living hell they are enduring at school. It kinda sours you to the whole world.

the teen years are just plain difficult for everyone....yes, son's behavior has escalated since hitting puberty but with some minor med changes things have settled for the most part. the problem we have, in a generic sense, is that we want son to be more independent~be able to go places with little monitoring. he unfortunately doesn't always make the wisest choices, though. trying to find a balance between letting him be independent & protecting him from himself has been difficult. still a work in progress here. although i guess we are all still works in progress.
some days with my son are a joy. other days are a heartbreak. i suppose not much different than when he was a toddler. just the actions can get him into more trouble now that he's a teen.

I think of Roger Bannister's quote: "It's a universal adolescent feeling, trying to find your place. The adolescent who is perfectly adapted to his or her environment, I've yet to meet."

This quote is inspiring to me because Roger Bannister went through a rough time growing up and overcame his difficulties to achieve greatness in athletics and life.

I had a hard time in junior high with bullies, but my high school years were good. I wasn't popular, but I did have friends, and did well in school. Things do get a lot better. I now have a job I love and have some good friends at work. Plus, I have my cats. They are a source of comfort.