undiagnosed AS/HFA adult (mom), and diagnosed chd AS/HF

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In the last year we have gone through the process of diagnosing our son. It has been a long road, as I have seen many peculiar things for many years...unfortunately, many have told us there was nothing wrong...Actually, "I" don't think there is anything "wrong" with him that I have to fix, except his speech because he does have delayed speech and gets frustrated when he can't get us to understand him.

As I have gone to dr visits, my husband has been joking with the drs that whatever the kiddo has, I have...well, I started thinking about it, about my childhood and geez...after the last few days of reading (actually months on other sites, days here), I took some of the tests and I score up there with HFA/AS...which honestly, explains so much in my life. It has been a tough road.

My BIGGEST problem is making family members understand this, instead of thinking that I'm making it up or that the doctors don't know what they're talking about. I don't think my parents can accept my son's diagnosis, because it would be accepting that there was ALSO something "wrong" (for lack of a better term) with me, and they handled it so poorly...I think the guilt of all the beatings, the constantly telling me what a horrible child I was, etc...is too much for them to now realize that there was truly something going on...which of course, doesn't make my life with my son any easier, as they continue to ignore what I say about him and think I'm just "as crazy as I was before" and just finding an excuse to not truly parent my son.

Sorry for the long post, but bottom line is...HOW DO I MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND? How do I make others understand that this does not mean that I'm saying my son is stupid (that's their response every single time)...so that they better understand his needs...and while I'm at it, mine...

Thanks so much for this site...it has brought peace to my heart to find so many others like me...I'm 39 yrs old...it's been way to long feeling lost and like I didn't belong anywhere.

Welcome! I'm glad you're finding answers about your son and yourself. It's quite common for parents to start seeing similarities in themselves or in other family members during this part of the process. I think once we finally land on answers that make sense it's natural that we want to share that with friends and family members and often that doesn't turn out in the way that we'd like. Chatting with a mother in law about how her son was brilliant, interesting, and very shy is likely to go down a lot better than to suggest to her the possibility that her son had an undiagnosed Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Grandparents often have an especially hard time in seeing it in their grandchildren....(Gene Pool Pride, I call it )

As much as you want them to understand, this is often a good time to step back from trying. Don't give them anymore information than is needed. Live with the diagnosis for awhile. Let any therapies do their work and help bring about improvements in areas such as speech that might be frustrating him. Sometimes the best way for their light bulbs to go off is for them to see how much better life is for the child and the family once people in his immediate world (parents, teachers, etc) start understanding and accepting him.

Consider this a process, with you bringing this to their attention only the first step. In time they may or may not come around--you have no control over that.

Well, I have never cared what they or anyone else thinks...that's for sure...but at the same time, my mother visits often and is constantly harrassing me about how I'm handling him...I don't have much patience and honestly, I'm afraid to truly snap one day. Actually, last time we saw her I did..so did my husband...as she is telling people that our kiddo is perfect and that we are crazy and that we take our kid to doctors and we don't know what we're doing, etc...that the reason he's like he is is only because he's an only child...that the poor kid doesn't have anyone to play with at home, therefore, it's MY fault this is happening...it's just crazy...

Anyway, thanks for your support...I do agree...and I think I will just need to prepare for 3 weeks of my parents with us (my dad yells at him alot and gets him very nervous as he thinks he is just being stubborn and that if I spanked him, he'd get it)...

But my kiddo loves his grandma, so I'm stuck between having her visit and harrass me and not visit.

Are your parents going to be staying with you for three weeks?This sounds like a perfect set-up fpr potential patracide.Perhaps they can stay somewhere else and limit their time with you to a few hours interspersed with down time.

You have my sympathy.I tried to discuss my DX with my mom,who is in her 70's and it was hopeless.For some reason,it is easier for them to believe I am just lazy and stuipid then that my brain might be wired differently.God knows they have always been there for me doling out sage advice..."Join the military,go work at McDonalds and someday you may make it to be a manager there,how about writing childrens books or becomeing a stewerdess.?"They are full of such pearls of wisdome and advice. .

You are not going to convince them of anything.It is doubtful that they have the reasoning ability to see this issue for more then
an "attack" on them,(and they say aspies are self consumed).I would suggest that you try and view them as "mildly ret*d",this may save your sanity and allow you some bit of sympathy for their inability to understand "reality".Your parents may not be intentionally trying to be difficult but honestly not have the capacity to understand what AS.It's tempting to confront ignorance when we see it,we have a natural desire for reason and logic.This may not be productive in this situation.Try and imagine it as "training a 6 month old baby to use the toilet".It might be nice to save on diapers,but it is beyond their capacity and an unrealistic expectation that will just leave you frustrated and angry,(as well as the baby).

So embrace your new knowledge.Use it to relearn how to think of yourself(not as a defective NT but as a functional aspie)and help your son to grow up with the same feeling.

Sadly, no other options about where they can stay...They're normally pretty cool except for these types of issues...

Thanks so much for your encouraging words...you are right...that's a good attitude...

My mother-in-law has not really accepted our 9 year old and 7 year old sons' diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome.

However I got firm with her one day that I know what's best for my children and I didn't find her advice/comments at all helpful. She ended up in tears, but has not given any unsolicited advice/comments since.

She is always questioning what I'm doing, but I am firm when answering her and she doesn't pursue it.

After a long time of me being really upset and trying to educate her about Asperger's, I've accepted she's not going to change her views. It's a waste of my energy trying to change her. So I'm firm when any issues come up. We're getting along much better now.

Good on you for for being such a great Mum!

Welcome to WP!

Helen

I'd say this is a really big problem that most, if not all, of us have to face. Believe me, unless your folks are capable of "growing up", it doesn't get much better. My parents go back and forth with their attitudes, despite confrontations and "epiphanies" my mom seems to have.
I had the big confrontation years ago and that seemed to shut mom up for a while. But she "forgot" and started up again. She changes her position on whether my son is really autistic. We stayed up there for a week and my whole family kept gushing over "the great work we've done" with Pop. Then a few weeks later my mom said that I should be grateful that my son was never severe to start with (he was). Which negated all the previous compliments. Mom has finally stopped sending me "helpful" information that was as irrelevant as Hell.
And every time I mention one of Pop's autistic traits that I share? She acts as if it's the first time I've said.
And this is nothing to do with Gene Pool Pride, I'm adopted. It's mostly about guilt, ignorance and bigotry about disability. My mom sheltered me a lot from disabled people. I had to work in a nursing home to get over that crap. The family still can't get over that one.

As far as being so critical to the point of harrassment of you and scolding your son. Lay down the law in your house. If they can't abide by YOUR rules, they can stay elsewhere. My folks are insane but that's a line they would never cross.

My father won't accept my 9 y/o's ASD diagnosis. If he did, then he'd have to take a closer look at himself and perhaps realize that he's not "normal" either. I found out the same way you did. I was researching and realized that I was indeed very much like my daughter as a child and that I exhibit MANY Aspie traits and so does my husband. It was a hard pill to swallow at first, but it explained so much about me and my past and current problems fitting into society and my social anxiety issues as well.

You can not make anyone understand who doesn't want to understand They have to be willing to question their own opinions first and some people are not able to do that. My in-laws thought we were crazy to get our daughter tested. They saw nothing wrong with her- she was so much like their son after all. LOL! Her teachers thought we were nuts, were shocked when we explained her behavioral problems at home since she's such a bright, quiet, and easy student at school. Once she had the testing done and she was diagnosed as being on the Autistic spectrum, her teachers as well as my in-laws accepted it. We have explained to them that there's nothing "wrong" with her, or with us. Our brains are just wired a bit different and that makes us all a bit quirky, but it also has given us some incredible gifts that we may not have had if we were not Aspies. They seem to get it.

My mother has always been supportive and she was a sounding bord for me with my frustrations. My sister lived with us for awhile and she witnessed my daughter's melt-downs, withdrawl, and agression toward her siblings. She noticed how absorbed she gets in her interests and how scatterbrained she is about everything else. LOL! When I told my brother about our suspicions, his reply was, "I always knew there was something weird about her." He acepted it. He probably wouldn't accept that he is Aspie too though He's not ready for that.

It really sounds like me that you need to set boundaries with your parents. Sit them down and have a good chat. You need to lay things on the line. You don't even need to tell them about a diagnosis, about your kid's behaviors, nothing. You just need to tell them that YOU are his parent, not them. You need to tell them that ther behavior toward him(especially your dad yelling at him) is innapropriate and that if any disciplining will happen, YOU will handle it. It really sounds like you need to step up and take charge and put your parents in their place. You are the parent, not them. If they think you're screwing up raising your kid, then that's your own problem, not theirs. BAsically, you need to tell them to shut up.

I agree with what everyone has said. Actually, I have spent a lifetime (39) arguing with my parents over everything it seems. I think that once my child was born, they were finally so nice to me because of my son, that I forever longed for them not to be critical of me or argue with them, like I did for 33 years before...but unfortunately, instead of making it more peaceful, I've created more stress for myself.

I don't know if honestly it's because of the ASPIE and being punished for so many years for doing things differently than my siblings that I hoped that finally we could get along and I didn't want to rock the boat, but yes, it is about to stop.

Actually, since we last visited them for a week and my super nicest husband in the world told my mom off (he even cried to me afterwards because he's not that type of person)...and my mom stormed out of the house crying as well, I have not really called my parents at all. I used to call them a couple of times a week to say hi, and since that, I no longer do. I think they're getting the hint, or I sure hope they are...if not, it should be interesting when they arrive in a couple of weeks.

Asparval PS.-my whatamess id name is not what I think of me, but this is the name I use because I go to so many websites related to things that I do not agree with and that's my name...haha...So, most of the time of course, what I write is how I think this or that is wrong, unjust, etc...therefore, my whatamess name... :0

Sounds like your getting stronger.Sometimes it is easier to protect others(like your child)then it is ourselves.But your learning My personal technique for getting my parents to stop trying to control/criticise me was a bit drastic.I had to become a full blown homeless alcaholic.Now,they are happy when I can maintain a job and pay my rent.After all,success is a matter of perspective and compared to were I was...I'm doing pretty good.(I think the trick is low expectations ).Good luck with your "family" visit.