We're Not ret*d or Lazy!

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Recently my husband and I sent some information on Asperger's to his mother. Hubby strongly suspects several people in his family have this and we felt the info would help her. I think it just confused her. During our lengthy conversation, she explained that hubby's social problems were likely caused by the way they were raised, not any disorder. Same with his father. She went on to explain that kids sometimes pretend they aren't listening to get attention. Sometimes they have "extra energy" they need to burn off and when she was a child they all played outside, unlike kids today. And all children are clumsy. She said she thinks things like this are over-diagnosed because parents and teachers don't want to deal with kids, so they give them pills until they're so calm they're half asleep.

I tried explaining the sensory aspect of it, she didn't seem to understand. I tried explaining that my children are *extremely* active and involved in many things, and have plenty of free play outdoors and at playgrounds. In fact, we spend little time in the house. I tried explaining that there is no pill for Asperger's and in fact getting our daughter the diagnosis was because we wanted to AVOID getting DD pumped full of Ritalin or branded a behavior problem.

I love my mother-in-law, she's a wonderful lady. She doesn't seem to understand this, however. I suspect she thinks I am one of those women who just can't be bothered with her kids so automatically I just find fault with normal behaviors. She lives hours away and doesn't observe my children but once or twice a year. She said to me, "I don't think the little one is ret*d." I said, "I don't either!" I explained that, while some forms of autism come with cognitive defeceits, Asperger's is more of a social struggle. She still equates AS with being mentally ret*d (forgive if I don't know the current PC word for it - I'm quoting - and I hate all the PC bullsh*t anyhow).

Hubby and I had hoped that the information would prove positive. He had hoped to gain more insight into himself as well. We're both feeling a bit disappointed with the outcome. How do you explain AS to people? Is everyone going to automatically assume our child is mentally ret*d if I tell them she has Asperger's? Or that I am because I have it? Or my husband? This is incredibly frustrating.

The medical definition of mental retardation is an IQ below 70.

and the society's definition of retardation is anything that is out of the norms....

I'm feeling irratated by my mom's wanting to label everyone with Asperger's as "dysfuntional". I am not dysfunctional. I have strengths and I have weaknesses that seem unusual to most people. That doesn't make me dysfunctional in my mind.

I am also irritated that she thinks that I need counseling for depression because she sees me as highly negative and very depressed. I see that as huge misunderstanding and misjudgement on her part. I'm not negative just because I have to try harder than most other people to do some things that many people take for granted. I'm not negative because I have to find alternative ways of doing things due to sensory issues and my brain working differently. There isn't much in this world that I find more irritating than being misunderstood and misjudged.

I think she does want to understand though and is trying to find ways to be helpful.

Its interesting to note that average I.Q. used to be 100 up til the 1990s when the PC mob began preaching that anything over 70 was normal.

I had a similliar experienc with my mother.She seemed very leery9but mostly uninterested)of my AS DX.I thought it would be helpful her to gain a different presepctive on my childhood.She says she always knew I was very bright and just didnt apply it...ie lazy.I thought that understanding that my "traits" made me a difficult child and I understood now,why she did some of the things she did(that at the time seemed very cruel),because she had no knowledge of AS and was just trying to make me NT and higher functioning.She ddnt seem to get my point.

To me,this is just another example of how superficialy many people I encounter approach most issues.Everything seems "settled" in their minds and they dont want any new information or anything that might contridict their current perceptions.This lack of intellectual curiosity has always been a confusing thing for me when trying to understand humans.
Your mother-in-laws reaction sounds very similiar to most of the people I have met....blank stares,rote clisha opinions with very little thought behind it.Pretty frustrating,huh.

I think actually talking to her son will help. It's easier to digest information like this when it isn't coming from an "outsider" so to speak. Plus, I'm turning 60-some years of the way she used to view the world on it's ear and it will take time to work through the information and consider it fully.

She's a very intelligent woman. She does think on things very thoroughly. I trust that in time (though it may be years) she will come to an understanding. I think she, of all people, will be most likely to come to an understanding. It's just frustrating because if an intelligent woman who has an interest in us as members of her own family can react with skepticism and misconceptions...imagine what the typical, less-intelligent person who doesn't put much thought into anything outside of their mental realm will come up with.

I can't do this now, I'll have to return when my percieved reality is not weighing so heavily on me.

The definition of "retardation" does seem pretty blurred, with excesses on both sides. An I.Q. of 70 is clearly well below average, despite the best efforts of those to expand the definition of "normal." Apparently, we're all normal or all nuts, with nothing in between.

Although I am intelligent, I probably would have fit society's description of "retardation" when I was younger, with my unusual interests and incredible stupidity when it came to performing tasks others took for granted. I still feel stupid to this day when some little task defeats me.

How old is the mother-in-law?
In my experience and from things I've heard, people become more set in their ways and beliefs as they get older. "Can't teach an old dog new tricks".