A Birthday party trainwreck

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My 10 yr. old son got invited to his friend's birthday party. I, frankly, am more excited that he HAS a friend but somehow we have been brainwashed to think that "THE BIRTHDAY PARTY INVITATION" is the barometer of popularity. If you get them you're liked if you don't you're not liked - I totally disagree with this sentiment but I'm not a 10 yr. old kid anymore. My son has been invited to a few parties and they are usually always trainwrecks. The one we were just at was no exception.

It was a medieval themed party and they had some people playing medieval type music and some kids were dressed up - mine was not. It was in a small church basement with very low ceilings and they almost immediately started playing BAGPIPE music! OMG I was horrified - sorry if I offend any bagpipe lovers but for my son with aspergers I can't even begin to imagine how horrible it must have sounded to him. It was like nails on a chalkboard to me. Poor little guy. So we tried to get as far away from the bagpipe music as we could and then my son got anxious because there was a lull in the proceedings (another trigger for my son) He doesn't know what to do when you have to just wait and do nothing (that's why we bring books or other diversions everywhere we go) He wouldn't try any of the games for fear of being embarrassed in front of the other kids. After awhile I just told him it was OK if we left and so we did.

I told my son on the way home to not feel badly about leaving. I said it was good that he tried but it just wasn't going to work. I truly don't want him to feel down on himself because he can't succeed at such an NT thing as a kid's birthday party. The funny thing is that he always has such a good time with the friend that the birthday party was for but it is just in a different setting.

I thought I would be more upset by this "failure" I'm sure there were some that looked at us like we were nuts - "why won't that kid play the games, why won't that kid stop pacing" I really don't care what anyone thinks.

I hope anyone who reads this can maybe relate it to some similar situation. Our kids are not failures because they can't do all the NT stuff. I'm NT and I can't do it all - I'm horrible at small talk, etc. There are plenty of things they can do and we have to always praise them for those things and not criticize them for what they cannot do. I confess that I had a moment at the birthday party (thankfully it was brief) when I was so angry at my son I wanted to just say "Damn it just go try one of the games and have fun" But I let my son's need to be himself override my desire for him to succeed (or at least participate) at some dumb kids' birthday party. And we are both much happier for it.

I think our son was eight when he was invited to a friend's birthday. They went out to do some sports activity (can't remember what), and I'm sure our son didn't do well. We came to pick him up, and there was lots of noise and activity going on at the house, and our son was down in the basement watching TV while everyone else was somewhere else playing on the myriad of fun and expensive games (pin-ball machines, etc.) in the house. I was about to feel sad and disappointed that he wasn't socializing, when I looked over on the other couch in the basement, and there was THE BIRTHDAY BOY. Apparently, he was overwhelmed with it all too!

Just goes to show you, ALL kids respond to these parties in different ways. Our son's a little older now, and would do OK at these things (not great, but not horrible either). We try to realize that he has peers, NT peers, who have just as much difficulty as he does socializing properly -- sometimes, he's actually better than the rest, as NT peers are competitive and kind of obnoxious at 11, whereas our son is just happy to be there . . .

Kris

My 10th birthday turned into a nightmare. I wasn't popular at all but in our small community you had to invite all the girls. So, these girls that weren't nice to me were little jerks in my house and were loud. They were rough outdoors too. My dad yelled at them at one point, embarassing me. Then my mom decided to drive everyone home early.

I think loud birthdays are silly, bag pipes? I love 'em, but I'd never have them at a birthday party. Unless it were my own, in a bar, with 100 of my closest friends.

My son also received his first birthday invitation. However, it was at a pizza parlor/roller rink and directly after preschool. The invitation mentioned "NO SIBLINGS". For one, I couldn't find a sitter and secondly, he has many contact food allergies. I loved the idea that he was invited but the logistics of having him attend outweighed any benefit of the experience of attending. He is only four and will be invited to other parties.

We have been fortunate when Z has been invited to birthday parties. They have been with kids he has gone to school with most of his life and they and their parents have at least a small understanding of Z"s special traits. He loves seeeing gifts being opened but won't eat cake, politely says "No, thanks I don't like cake" and walks away. He joins in activities and wanders off to play with household pets as the whim strikes him. We always talk to the parents when we arrive and explain about his Dx, make sure they have our phone and cell numbers and leave. We have found this little bit of supervised independence is good for him and it helps the other parents appreciate their NT kids more . He's had only one near melt down from sensory overload and the parents and kids recognized it and helped him through it. It helps that we have such a good group for him. We also always arrive early for pick up in case he needs to leave early, so far I've had to drag him away inder protest, I think he's relieved that I'm not there "bugging" him.

and I thought my son was the only one in the whole world who doesn't like cake!! !! !!

Bless his sweet little heart though, he does struggle with birthday parties too, but the only ones we have been to everyone (meaning the parents) knew about his AS and they are all so understanding of him. There is one that is a pool party every year and he wants to play in the pool but is terrified of it at the same time (it is a 4 foot pool). I have explained to him over and over that he can stand on the bottom and his face will still be above the water but he clings to me the whole time with his legs wrapped around my waist!----and NO I don't make him get in the water.