Problems at school and Friends

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Can anyone give me advice about how to deal with social problems at school? My son isn't really being bullied. He just thinks that everyone doesn't like him, although he does seem to have a couple of friends this year. He's at a new school, and we've recently moved to put him in a different school district. Our old district would make no accomodations for him because he was excelling academically. At least this school is making an effort.

However, it doesn't seem like he's doing well with the other kids. He says they make comments about him making mistakes when playing games, or they don't like the games he wants to play. He has real issues about being in control of situations all the time. We are working on that. I don't want to turn his teacher into a constant mediator for his problems. She's been really good so far this year, but I think this is something that looks fine on the surface, but it really upsets DS. He says he acts silly so people will like him. I told him he needed to try being himself not acting silly just to get a laugh.

He's in fifth grade this year, and I'm dreading middle school next year. Anyone have advice that might be able to give me suggestions. I've role played. I've tried to be patient. I've tried to explain things to him. He doesn't want to tell me until we have an argument or else he gets so stressed that it all comes out. He has this idea that he can't do anything right, and I don't know how to help him.

does he have a resource teacher you can go to about him?

You just described my 8 year old to a T. Only his teachers think he is fine and I am worrying over nothing, they dont get the tears and the melt downs at home, he wont tell his teachers if he is upset with anything his "friends " are doing or saying to him because then he thinks they wont play with him any more. He tells me that it is hard because he has to play their way all the time and he cant play like them ( he has co-ordination problems) He says they wont play his games because they are silly. If he doesnt comply with the other kids he has noone to play with. These issues are huge for him. So I am waiting to hear what reponses you get to your posts because we need help too in a big way. Thanks for your post and best of luck.

This is my son as well. He wants to play with other kids but I know that when he's on the playground, he wont make any effort (nor does he have any desire) to play anyone else's games--only his. And when no one wants to come ask to join in with him, he says "nobody plays with me." It breaks my heart for him because I know he doesn't know any other way. Perhaps "play therapy?" My son hasn't done that yet but that is something we are going to try.

This is my son as well. He wants to play with other kids but I know that when he's on the playground, he wont make any effort (nor does he have any desire) to play anyone else's games--only his. And when no one wants to come ask to join in with him, he says "nobody plays with me." It breaks my heart for him because I know he doesn't know any other way. Perhaps "play therapy?" My son hasn't done that yet but that is something we are going to try.

Tayana --

I'm so sorry this is happening to your son. This is a very frustrating time for your son, and for you. I think all of us have been there.

Right around third grade, our speech therapist (at my son's school) started a program where our son would invite a couple of kids to eat with him in the speech therapy room. That way, the speech therapist would eat lunch with them, and she could watch his behavior and kind of guide him to appropriately converse or play with these peers. Also, earlier than third grade, when he was in speech with her, he had a couple of peers come to speech and they would just play, and again, she would observe, and maybe help to guide him through appropriate play behavior, and or help him with conversation skills. We did the lunch thing in fourth grade, and then stopped by fifth grade. I don't know if your school has this available, but it's a wonderful way to get appropriate play skills in the school setting.

Our son used to do silly things, in third grade, that the other boys would suggest that he do, and then they as a group would stand around and laugh at him. I only found this out because I constantly was asking him what he did at recess, to see if he was playing with the other kids and to gauge how he was doing socially. He thought he was 'performing" for an appreciative audience, when actually they just thought he was weird. I called the school to ask to observe, but they wouldn't let me do that for 48 hours, and then only with a school official with me. They DID observe, though, and realized that my concerns were valid. They called in the boys in question, and probably told them about our son's "condition". I wasn't too happy about that. They also called the parents of the boys, probably because they were concerned about a possible lawsuit (something we wouldn't have done, because the children were too young to really know what they were doing was wrong). Our son was upset that his "performance" was stopped -- he never really understood why. BUT, even though I wasn't given the chance to handle this the way I would have liked, the outcome was really good. The boys have continued to be nice, and the parents bent over backwards to make things up to my son. These boys won't ever be my son's friends, but they are nice to him at school.

Middle school can be an improvement, especially if you get things into gear now. If you can, find a social skills therapy class in your area. That helped our son immensely. Also, try to see if you can get your son into an acting program for kids. That kind of activity can do amazing things in the way of teaching social skills, and if they like to perform, it can give them an appropriate outlet for that need. Middle school is where "recess" stops, but they do get involved in groups where they just talk. My son has three friends and they LOVE the freedom that middle school provides -- I think (?) he's doing better socially than he's ever done. Somehow he has found good friends in boys who are bright, and have jumped a grade. These children are often like Asperger's kids, in that they are bright but socially immature -- the perfect friend for an aspie!

Kris