Poor DD...

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I tell you what, learning those social skills are going to be rough on her. Her biological mother came to pick her up for the weekend yesterday, and we were outside chatting, when she just hared off and asked her mom, "Why are you missing so many teeth?" She got a very quick cuff from mom upside the head for that (myself, I would have just scolded). She knows better by know not to ask such things, but every once in a while, it just slips right out there....

Out of curiosity, how much does the biological mother understand Aspergers?
To me it sounds like a perfectly valid question and one that could have been turned into a good lesson about taking care of your teeth. Have you considered taking out a contract on "bio-Ma'? I could put you in touch with people who know people.

She left her husband and daughter behind back with she was four. She is 15 now. She really does not know a whole lot about it, mostly because she only gets her on the weekends, and that's if she wants her around . She knows DD is "slightly off" as she puts it, but she doesn't stop to think. She automatically thinks DD is being an annoying PITA, not that she is asking an honest question. Tactless, but there you are. It's a strange situation over all.

Personally, I think 'Politeness' has always been taken too far with most kids.

Now, I'm not clear if DD is 15 or the bio-mom is... sorry.

But still, I have NEVER found any reason to strike a kid. Perhaps bio-mom was struck when she was young... carrying on where her parents left off?

From your description of the event, I don't see anything wrong with DD asking about her mom's teeth.
Not being there at them time, I guess I don't really have a good reason to comment, but the question sounded quite appropriate and I wouldn't think anyone should "know better" than to ask the question of a family member.

The mom needs to quit striking her child. That's for sure.

That's what I thought from the reported response. does she have valid visitation rights or do you permit it out of the goodness of your hearts. Z's bio mon is allowed only supervised visitation, not that she has taken advantage of them for about three years. If she continues to abuse the girl you might want to look into legal restrictions of her visitation. Just a thought you know the whole situation better than I do.

She didn't hurt her, at least in my opinion. DD brought her arm up before she could really land one on her. It's nothing that I haven't gotten smacked for in my time. I don't consider the occasional cuff abuse. Beatings that leave bruises, broken bones, etc. is different.

They have joint custody, with DH having primary care. Thank goodness, or else she wouldn't have gotten the help she has gotten!! I really don't have a say in the matter, which can be very frustrating at times. DH was not around to see what happened, so there really was not much I could do.

I think it was inappropriate that she asked in front of me. Her mother and I "get along" but out of pure necessity. I think it was an honest question, however tactless, and I just told her that she really should ask things like that in private...

Sylvia,

Thanks for expanding on that.

Personally, I still see no reason to 'cuff' a kid... afterall, how many adults would accept a 'cuffing' from a boss, co-worker, police officer, judge, etc. if they made an error such as that?

I got hit plenty as a kid and I can tell you that it didn't matter how hard or soft it was... the hurt that stayed with me was emotional.
Physical pain I learned to tolerate or tune out.

The message I see being sent to children who get hit for making mistakes is one of position, control and power... "I have the power to control you by pain, force or any other means available to me! I am better than you because I can make all the mistakes I want and never will you see someone hit me for them!" and "You're too ______ (stupid, lazy, ignorant, whatever) to warrant a response to your behaviour that is respectful and presupposes that you will benefit from an explanation rather than behavioral conditioning by use of pain.".

Having said all that... I'm glad she has someone who cares enough to come to a place like this to learn how to work with her and find folks for support in other ways.

Thank you for understanding. I myself would never hit her, however, I do try other methods to get my message across. What would be a better way of doing this? Talking to her does not work all the time, as she tunes you out very quickly and more or less ignores you. What would get her attention quicker?

Tuning out and ignoring seems to be a typical response in all kids. 15 is an age I haven't dealt with in my Aspie, yet. I have found with Z that removal of priveleges or something he really wants often works best. You have to stick to your guns though and not give in. It takes a unified effort from both parents. We have found with Z that what works for a few days will soon lose its effectiveness so we are constantly involved in a game of "Creative Discipline" with him. I have also found out that long lectures don't work, sticking to short precise statements are better such as, "that's enough, fishing tomorrow is cancelled, you can stay home and clean up the dog poop instead". The problem is I can't go fishing either but have to stay home and make sure he scoops poop. That is the problem with sticking to your guns.
Overall, discipline is a matter of trial and error. Good luck

Although it could be very hurtful to bring up a physical difference (speaking as one who is very sensitive to comments about her appearance), hitting a person is over the top.

I don't understand what's wrong with asking someone why they are missing so many teeth. No one's never gotten mad at me for asking such questions.

Thank you for not taking my posts personally.
I was a bit worried I might come off as being angry, or disappionted with you... I'm not

I wish I had better answers for you, but Corsarzs post looked really good. Difficult, and possibly tiring, but good.

Just ignore those comments apart from giving a matter of fact answer eg. she couldn't get to the dentist and her teeth went rotten. I don't see why such a big fuss was made about the whole thing. Her biological mother can't have been too good about personal hygiene and brushing her teeth.

Sorry in advance if I offend anyone Smacking is never on.
O.k so the mum was embarrased and reacted. The child asked a simple question. what gives the mum anymore right than the child to humiliate another person. (She slapped her hence humiliating her and putting her in her place). This mum needs to be educated by however is over seeing this care arrangment. What happens when your not around?

Sorry again as I said I dont want to offend but there is never an excuse good enough to hit a child no matter how hard.

I was also under the impression that AS kids/adults are very socially challenged, she probably didn't see anything wrong with asking and it shouldn't have made any difference if you were around or not.

Mum's got no bussiness being p#ssed off, if she doesn't want comments she needs to fix her teeth.

I sound really angry, Im not. Just annoyed that some parents treat their kids like objects to be used and abused at whim.

Once again sorry