sorry - this is incredibly long winded.
It was always clear to me that my brother was unique; as a child my parents noticed certain behavioral differences in him which, after many tests, led to a misdiagnoses of ADHD. While doctors never conclusively proved that he had it, they still chose to treat him with medication for a number of years because it seemed, at the time, most in line with his symptoms.
After reading about autism and the autistic spectrum disorders, it has become quite clear to me that my brother, now 15, suffers from asperger's; suddenly everything fits. I'm not searching for an answer, mind you - it just occurred to me that this describes his specific demeanor and function more so than anything else suggested or discussed. Now, though leading a relatively normal life for an adolescent, it occurs to me that his time could be made so much less stressful if he had a context for his feelings. All of the symptoms listed for asperger's, my brother has (right down to the decreased motor skills. He tried woodworking after my father prodded him to take it at school; he was so awful at it that he dreaded that elective more so than any academic class); I've never realized it before because he generally functions normally aside from certain social and personal (such as obsessive tendencies) traits. I don't need to elaborate on said symptoms because I'm sure you are aware, but most notable are his hypersensitivity to sound (hates being in a car if we're playing music, for example. He deals with it but gets visibly upset. Though, he is fine with his video game music), intensely focused obsessions and interests (exhibited even at an early age - first with barney, then sonic the hedgehog, pokemon - and now with star trek and other video games such as "everquest." He's seen and owns every episode of star trek and memorizes details about the show that not even the staunchest fan would seem to care about.) He carries around a Rubik's cube with himself most times to help him get through social situations in which he feels uncomfortable; instead of interacting, he'll sit there solving it over and over. He has stopped doing this as much, if only for the fact that people at school started calling him "rubiks" and made him feel even more abnormal. Also, his verbosity and seeming disregard/inability to regard other people's interest or emotional state is a defining trait. Having been socialized to a certain degree, he knows what he needs to do when someone else is feeling a certain way, but he goes about implementing these otherwise normal behaviors quite awkwardly (for example, our grandmother just died last weekend and, showing no emotion, my brother only sought to comfort my mother when my sister and I urged him to do so. Even then, he looked at us for an indication that what he was doing was right and haphazardly patted her shoulder). The last quality I'd say most indicative of asperger's is his inability to empathize and now, his obsession with his own inadequacies; essentially, he lacks insight on a larger scale and becomes fixated on the rather narrow conclusions he draws. Intellectually, he understands others' emotional states but he doesn't respond to or recognize them in typical ways. He's become quite convinced of his ineptitude, and he'll talk, at GREAT length, about his problems and inner monologue...without showing any insight or background into why this might be, or accepting any potential solutions from his listener (mostly me.) For example, he WANTS to have a good relationship with our other sister, but he lacks the ability to see what he would have to do in order to foster it; instead, when saying to him "why don't you ask her how her day was, or try relating to her interests," he shuts down, saying he's bad at that and that's why he has to pretend to be interested in whatever his friends are. Another example is, I was away for the summer - but he would only call me when he wanted to tell me something he learned about star trek, or talk at length about a specific topic (I would try to change the topic but he'd always go back.) Never once did it occur to him to ask how I was or what I was doing - or why I was even away for the summer; when I said, "generally people ask how others are doing in conversations," his answer was a demoralized, "yea well I suck at conversations."
My brother has had a rather traumatizing experience, specifically related to schooling, thusfar; his public elementary school refused to allow him to finish schooling there because, at the time, he couldn't quite cope with that social and academic setting. Often he would refuse to stay entire days at school and was disinterested in most, if not all, of his work. I don't know the specifics because while he was in elementary school, I was in middle school - but I remember him always having difficulty, my parents feeling frustrated and looking for answers, and the school refusing to readmit him. At long last, and after much deliberation with many school psychologists (that my brother, parents, and I now know were more harmful than helpful, though were doing only what they thought was best), they admitted him into an experimental school for children with high IQs and behavioral problems. For all intents and purposes...it was a special education school. It was here that my brother, now the age of 10, realized just how different he was. He felt frustrated in the environment where he had no control, and became hypersensitive to any mention of the fact he was "different." The school made him feel stupid and unworthy, and he, being one to obsess on ideas and concepts, became utterly convinced of his inferiority and status as an "other." More than anything, this school is the perfect embodiment of the utter helplessness experienced by families who have children with behavioral and other disorders; they did not know how to successfully cater to my brother, though at the time there were only 6 children in the whole school (the number more than tripled in the three years my brother was there,) and yet we knew of no better options. My brother was feeling consistently demoralized - and by 8th grade wanted nothing more than to rejoin the ranks of public education (if for no other reason than to feel "normal.") By high school age they finally agreed to let him into public high school.
I realize this is incredibly long winded, but I feel it's important background information for my ultimate question. My brother has been in public high school for two years; he is doing quite well academically, but this is attributed to the fact that he doesn't want to be viewed as "ret*d" and not because he has a genuine interest in the subject matter. He had an IEP attached to his name, and that - more than anything - has hindered his ability to accept himself as being "normal." He thinks that everyone looks at him like he's ret*d and any mention of the fact that he could be different in ANY way leaves him feeling utterly incapacitated. For example, he knows he has, what the doctors call, a "low processing speed;" that, combined with his IEP, are the two most sensitive topics for him because they are, in his opinion, evidence of his abnormality. He clearly has symptoms of asperger's and I'm wondering if it would make life easier on HIM if I bring it up, knowing that singling traits out in him that are less than "normal" tends to dishearten him so immensely that he's virtually inconsolable. I tried telling my father, but his general consensus was that if it cannot be reversed - why make him feel even more different? I understand his concerns, naturally - but I also think that if my brother can learn about this possibility, it might bring to him answers to many questions he seems to go on at length about. He's incredibly depressed and is self critical and self conscious to a degree I've never seen except in suicidal teens. I don't think he's suicidal, mind you - but I think he needs answers. The process of diagnosing him, however, could prove to be even more traumatizing - and I'm not sure he, or my parents, would be willing.
What should I do? I want, more than anything, the best for my brother.
Last edited by stirringofbirds on 14 Oct 2007, 8:09 pm, edited 3 times in total.
14 Oct 2007, 4:07 pm
